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Chapter 1: What would happen if England wins the World Cup?
Welcome to Staying Relevant, the bonus episode. With me, Sam Thompson. I actually forgot my name just then. I genuinely just forgot my own name. I literally didn't know what to say.
It's a good start to the award-winning podcast, Staying Relevant.
Okay, hell, I've gone a little bit light-headed. Oh, God. Do you want a minute? I don't know. I'm fucking wild. With me, Sam Thompson. And Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph. Emojis, hands in the air. Whips!
This is the bonus episode, which comes out Thursday audibly, and then you can watch on Sunday on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm, and then Monday's episode, which came out audibly on Monday, you can now watch as of 5pm on Wednesday, which means you can catch us on a... Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and also a Sunday. Yes, wonderful, wonderful stuff.
This is the bonus episode, which means it's all about you. So you can email us and get in touch at the worst email address in the world, which is...
Hello, everybody.
No, it's not hello, everybody. Nope.
Hello. Oh, God.
Hello at srproductions.co.uk. Okay, so just to confirm, it's not hello, everybody. All right.
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Chapter 2: What festival outfit advice do the hosts offer?
Reading...
Genuinely.
In all seriousness. Reading, I'd probably wear something baggy. Something baggy on the bottom. I feel like you'd wear this. Something quite similar. I'll be honest with you. I feel like this is... I actually would.
Mickey Mouse t-shirt.
Like something... Pair of baggy combats. Yeah, absolutely. Comfy shoes. Maybe a beanie or something like that. A beanie? Definitely, yeah. Maybe a beanie. A beanie? Yeah. Is Reading Festival in winter?
Yeah.
I've actually... Wait, I'll show you a festival outfit.
It's in August. So in August at Reading Festival, you're wearing a beanie.
I'll show you. I'll show you my... This is my festival, last festival I went to outfit.
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Chapter 3: How do Sam and Pete plan a stag do?
And I don't think you can go wrong with that.
I'd have a face mask. I'd have like a ski mask or something like that.
A ski mask? We're going to different festivals, I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah, I don't feel like we're at the same festival here.
Yeah, but the thing about festivals, you get quite gritty sometimes.
but yeah that's why just rough and ready yeah I'd go very rough and very ready yeah yeah you don't want to get pink beanie but it's different yeah no rough and ready it's different for women listen I think you can't go wrong with a bit of denim oh nice denim flannel comfy shoes
Yeah, you've got to be comfy. I told you, I once woke up with someone pissing on my head. Like, you've got to, in a tent, you've got to be careful when you go on a festival. Like, are you a camping guy? Are you in a tent?
I would be in a tent on my own. And yeah, I mean, I've said it before. If anyone pisses on my head, I'll do time.
You wouldn't be able to find it.
Oh, motherfuckers fucked. But yeah, listen, I'd go cowboy themed for a festival. I think you can get away with it there. You know, it would be weird if I just, you know, wandered into SR on a Wednesday in a cowboy hat. But I would love to. Every week I consider it. Don't let us hold you back, mate. I just feel like I wouldn't, you know, it would all look at you in cowboy. Yes, I do.
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Chapter 4: What hypothetical scenarios do the hosts discuss?
Quite funny to see Pete, like, windmilling people.
No! No!
We hold him down. Come at me, bro.
And then Pete's getting beer poured down my arse crack into his mouth.
If I had a stag doing that was the case, it would be Sam that is in the ghillie suit doing it. I'd go, tagged in, mate.
Mate, we turned up to that festival, right? And as it was just post COVID, as we're walking in, it's like pretty gritty already. As we're walking in, there's a positive COVID test on the floor at the entrance to this fucking thing. And like all of us looked at each other and went... this is a bit buff out. Like, that's going to be a super spreading area.
Are you turning around at that point when you see that on the floor and you're like, oh God, this is, we're going to. A COVID test? If it was a positive COVID test sat on the floor. So someone in this camp has got fucking COVID.
At this point, I think there's probably worse you're going to catch at a festival than COVID. Yeah, true. You know what I mean? Yeah. With the amount of, as I say, human waste and dirty people. It is. It's messy. It's messy.
so in answer to the question Lily I've gone with cowboy style Sam's gone with find a friend and pour beer down his arsehole depends where the festival is I hope that's but wear a pink beanie I hope that's answered the question for you would definitely want to be on someone's shoulders as well like love the idea of being on someone's shoulders the question is what would you wear
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Chapter 5: What are the hosts' thoughts on attending the World Cup matches?
So I'm sure I'll be in the fucking bars watching it with them. And I'm quite happy to do that.
Do you know what's funny is that when Pete's away is when you're all going to be out fucking celebrating and getting fucked up and it's going to have to be me who corrals you all to come into the office.
Well, not just you because I'm sitting up a ring doorbell camera. Ha ha ha. in my corner of the office so that I can, it would be motion censored.
That's hilarious. We should do that. We should absolutely do a ring of the bell.
Just so we can keep an eye. As bosses, would you let the team come in a bit late next morning for everyone to stay up to watch it together? Absolutely not. No, none of us are playing. None of our family are playing. So do you know what I mean? Since none of us know anyone that's playing, it's just England playing football. None of us have any connection. No, get the fuck to work.
And also, we were staying up like 9pm. Well, we finished at 11. Yeah. Finishes at 11.
What's that?
You don't have to be at work till fucking nine. You can get your eight hours sleep, have a fucking shit shave and come into work. You'll be fine.
What if we all went together to the Pear Tree to watch it?
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Chapter 6: Would the hosts give their team a day off if England wins?
You know someone that was a sign... Yeah. Right. Sorry. Did you just speak to a signpost?
No, he did mushrooms. Yeah, he did mushrooms. And he... Legally, by the way, legally in Thailand. And he... So there's a mountain called Mushroom Mountain. And you basically go, I've never heard about this in Thailand. Are you on mushrooms currently? No. They do a mushroom milkshake, right? And they give it to you. It's at this place called Mushroom Mountain.
And he had this experience where he went, I had a wife, kids, and like lived an entire life, right? And he came back and then he took another fucking sip or whatever and was a signpost. And he said he lived decades being a signpost. No joke. Is this fella still alive? He's still kicking about. Yeah, he's got a really good job. I'm not even joking.
He said he was a signpost for years and years and years. He was, he went, it was the weirdest thing.
Sam, Sam, Sam, you're saying, I'm not even joking. We understand the story, but you're saying it like he was a signpost. But he felt like he was a signpost. Yeah, But we understand. I'm not joking. He generally had a trip out. And he was a signpost for years. For years. But he wasn't a signpost.
But he thought he was. How mad is that? You're such a signpost. No, do you know what? You're a rock. You're a rock.
I would happily be a pebble on a beach. Undiscovered. Just gently brushed by the waves occasionally. Some little **** tries to skin me. Just living peacefully amongst my stony little friends. That would be good.
Why can I see that for him? Just, there I am. Forever. and then something happens, and then you're picked up, and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? Put me down! And then you can't do anything about it, so you're just a livid stone. Yeah.
I think I would literally be a stone on a pebble beach. And then they throw you into the sea. Or you could, you know, what else would I want to be? A stone's fucking good for Pete. Straw, constantly being sucked.
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Chapter 7: What funny stories do the hosts share about festivals?
I don't know if you can class it.
No, I think you could.
It's technically living, isn't it? I'd give you a tree. Like an oak tree in a forest. Yeah, nice. Just in the middle of a forest. But I don't know if we can class that. So if we can't class that, then I'm a stone because that is just a stone. But trees are living. But a tree. Imagine just the age, like years, what you see, the changing surrounding. To be honest with you, I'd be turned into a flat.
Do you know what I mean? I'd be chopped down and... You know what I mean? But, but ideally in the black forest in Germany, a tree. Oh, I like that. Right in the centre, untouched. Yeah. Just living my life. Yeah. Growing, you know, going through the seasons, you know, I'd be a tree.
Yeah. Or maybe a bucket. Yeah, but. Maybe in a bucket. You know, people put things in you. I don't want people to put things in there. You're carried around. I don't want to be carried around. I just want to be left alone.
So there you go. Stone, tree or a shoelace.
I think that's a fucking good question. Whoever has sent that in, please follow up. That's a fucking good question.
Tell us what you'd be and email don'tbother at srproductions.co.uk.
You're just mad though. Do you know what I bet they've got that from is when I called you a brick. I bet you anything that's where they've got that from.
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Chapter 8: What would the hosts do if no one would ever find out?
No, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me. I would go to Iraq, right? And I don't look panicked. And I would try and find Gilgamesh's tomb. That's what I would do. Find Gilgamesh's tomb.
Quite deep answers for both of us there. The other thing I'd do is steal a car.
Oh, yeah, you could do that, couldn't you? Dream car. Go to the pyramids and sneak into the pyramids.
I think we've overthought this. I think they were hoping for something more whimsical. Oh, right, okay, yeah. Both of us have done that there, so I'd steal my dream car.
Yeah, what would that be?
My dream car, it would be a 1988 Carrera 911 Singer Porsche, black with tan interior and gold 21-inch alloys.
That's nice. That's nice. That's nice.
Very specific.
Sorry.
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