Chapter 1: What inspired the podcast 'Strangers on a Bench'?
hello sorry to bother you um can i ask you a slightly odd question um i'm making a podcast um called strangers on a bench where essentially i talk to people i don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes um are you up for that do you want to give it a go So, traditionally, obviously, I get people to say anonymous, so I don't say their name.
And if I need to remind myself of your name, I'm touching your name.
You are.
It's a funny thought, isn't it?
Yes.
There you are.
Are we recording?
Yeah, we're recording now. Okay.
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Chapter 2: Who was Gina and why is she significant to the guest?
We're on.
This is the reason why I'm here.
Right, okay. So, on one side of the bench, your side, you're sitting on, it says Gina. And then on this side of the bench that I'm sitting on, it says, and Sue. Yep. So, I mean, do you want to tell me about all this? Who's Gina?
She was my wife. She died last year, as you can see. And she wanted a bench here. We chose this spot, well I chose this spot because In the last couple of years of her life, she was quite disabled. Well, she'd been living with stage four cancer really well for about five years. Then she had a stroke. She was quite disabled in a wheelchair. After the stroke. Yeah.
And we used to come here and get a coffee. or an ice cream from the cafe there.
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Chapter 3: What challenges did the guest face during Gina's illness?
And we'd come and sit along here and watch the kids playing football or the dog walkers or whatever was going on. So it seemed like a perfect place to have a bench. So... Actually, some of her ashes are buried around the back here. I have permission. And so she's actually, bits of her are here too. And I come and sit here. Not every day, but quite often. And just talk to her.
Sometimes I get my phone up so people don't think I'm mad if I'm talking to somebody on my phone. I came now because tomorrow I'm flying to America to see my sister and niece who live in Brooklyn. And I just wanted to let Gina know that I wasn't going to be around for a bit. No. No, it's the magic of thinking. That's lovely.
I know it's magical thinking but I do feel that presence here and the other day there was a shooting in the park and it was actually just up the path there and I was so worried that she'd be scared magical thinking is the best kind of thinking I think yeah life would be very dull without it it would for sure So it's been a year. What has this year been to you?
Well, grief is a really interesting process. I thought I knew about grief because I've worked a lot with people who were bereaved. I've read quite a lot about it.
Chapter 4: How does the guest cope with grief after losing Gina?
My own parents died, but really this I did not know until Gina left. And it's such a journey, such a journey. It was very intense. There were times when I felt a bit mad, but in a good way. I mean, very passionately intense to begin with, it really was.
Can you describe that a bit?
Well, paradoxically, I felt very alive. And that might have been Because I was a carer for two years. I mean, I was a carer for a lot longer than that because she needed quite a lot of emotional and psychological support. And I retired early to look after her. But in the last couple of years of her life, I was a full-time carer. So that part of it was a sense of freedom.
You know, I could do things that I hadn't been able to do for a long time, like travel, you know, go to the cinema in the middle of the afternoon, go out to dinner with friends at a win. So there was that kind of freedom. But alongside that, a sense of sometimes like, who am I now? You know, because so much of my identity was caught up in being a carer and looking after her.
Prior to being in the caring role. I was a carer.
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Chapter 5: What does the guest believe about the grieving process?
I was a psychotherapist. I was a craniosacral therapist. So it's sort of my whole life.
And was your identity also wrapped around her just because she was your wife?
Yes, absolutely. And anybody who's been through this journey will say the same thing. It's like you always carry them inside you and you carry the grief inside you. And sometimes it's overwhelming. You know, like talking to you now, stranger, but in the early days, I'd be walking down the street with tears streaming down my face. But the internal grief changes.
I remember an image I had in the early days was like I had this big balloon full of water, full of tears inside. Now it's more like, what's it like now? I suppose it's like... It is a bit like living with a hidden disability. Like on the outside, I look fine. Put me in a social situation, I'm fine. I can manage, I can make small talk, all those things.
And on one level it's true, I am enjoying myself and I am that person. But I'm also a person who needs a lot of solitude and I need to be able to talk to her and I need to be able to process what I'm feeling. Because if I don't, it sort of catches up with me.
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Chapter 6: What memories does the guest share about their relationship with Gina?
Of course. What are you saying to her when you're talking to her? Sometimes it might just be, this is what's been happening. What do you think?
What do you hear back?
Good question. even though I talk to her as a person and I look at the photos on the phone and I'm talking to who she was. I think my sense is now that her essence is sort of in the ether. So if I hear anything back, it's more a sense of reassurance, like a gentle sense of reassurance, like it's okay.
What do you think she would think of your... Oh, seems good squirrel chasing there.
Yeah.
Squirrel hide and seek. Which side of the tree are you?
They're trying to figure it out.
Yeah. Where's he gone?
That one's going, where's he gone?
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Chapter 7: How does the guest plan to honor Gina's memory moving forward?
So you have to... You're forging now an entirely new identity, in a way. It's a completely new start for you, as if from... It is and it isn't, actually. Of course, it gives you what you've established. But as in, like, kind of... Is this like a... An opportunity? Is this a burden? What does this mean?
Tell you something I noticed. Actually, I'm going to backtrack a minute. The first year. Yes. I marked all the anniversaries. Because I know about anniversaries. If you don't pay attention to them, they'll come round and smack you in the face. I really didn't want to do a family Christmas because it would have been too painful. And... What I decided to do was walk around London.
I walk quite a lot. So on Christmas Day, I packed my little rucksack. I had a smoked salmon bagel.
Chapter 8: What insights does the guest have about life and loss?
I had a flask of coffee. I had mince pies. And I walked down to the city and all around St Paul's and across the river. And it was really nice. It was such a great thing to do.
I love that. May I briefly interrupt you by saying my favourite Christmas day? My first one away from my mum. She was away somewhere and this family in East London, who I knew, kind of welcomed me in. But I walked all the way across London to that. And I remember it was one of my most favourite walks.
It's so rare to get to this walk through London in this kind of completely other state in the middle of the day. And you feel so kind of, I don't know, it's just an amazing feeling. Completely simplified.
Yeah, it is. It's sort of special. Well, it is a special day.
Yeah. What a clever idea. So you had your backpack full of mince pies. How many mince pies to see you through?
I think only two. And then her birthday, I'm vegetarian, but she wasn't. And on her birthday, I actually cooked a roast... A steak? A roast chicken, not a steak, roast chicken dinner.
Oh, that's great. And set the table and I said... Did you enjoy the chicken?
I like the crispy skin, I don't much like the meat.
Oh, what a sweet marking.
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