The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood (re-release)
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You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. How do you know when you're in an unhealthy relationship? In this archive talk, relationship expert Katie Hood tells us that love is a verb, meaning it's a skill we need to actively practice. She reveals the five signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship, and that can be with a romantic partner, a friend, or a family member. And she offers things to do daily to love with respect, kindness, and joy.
So when you think about a child, a close friend or a romantic partner, the word love probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in. Joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love. Yet given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peek at your partner's texts.
or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors, and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me. It's instinctual to move away from the words abuse and violence, to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.
We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love. I work for an organization called One Love, started by a family whose daughter, Yardley, was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming. But when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there, just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yardley and her friends didn't.
We have three main goals. Give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss. Empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help.
How can you identify if you're in an unhealthy relationship?
And in the process, improve all of our ability to love better. To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss. And our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand. But today, I'm going to use five markers of unhealthy love. The first is intensity. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive, they start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time, from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.
You feel it in your gut.
What are the five signs of unhealthy love?
Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says, I love you, faster than you were ready for, or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.
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