TED Talks Daily
Why children of immigrants experience guilt -- and strategies to cope | Sahaj Kaur Kohli
06 May 2021
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Hey, I'm Elise Hugh. This is TED Talks Daily. Whether it's guilt or grief or anxiety, all of us have felt such a range of difficult emotions over this past year and at various points throughout our lives.
In today's conversation from TED's new series called How to Deal with Difficult Feelings, mental health advocate Sahaj Korkoli sits down with TED curator Chloe Shasha Brooks to bring some real wisdom and science on understanding guilt.
It's a talk that will resonate with children of immigrants, as it did for me, but it speaks to all of us on themes of belonging, questioning, and how to handle our emotions.
Hello, Sahaj.
Chapter 2: What unique challenges do children of immigrants face regarding guilt?
Welcome. Thanks for joining us. Thank you for having me.
I'm so excited to be here.
Thank you so much for having me.
There's definitely a relationship between being a child of immigrant parents living in the West and experiencing guilt. Children of immigrants are often straddling two cultures known as bicultural straddling, and there's often this expectation to make our immigrant parents' sacrifices and choices for coming to this country worth it.
Many children of immigrants feel chronic sense of guilt for letting their parents down, for not being enough, for being too American, for seeming ungrateful. There's also the sense of a thriver's guilt or this guilt of growing, healing, accessing resources and opportunities that maybe our parents didn't have or our family and other parts of the world don't have access to.
So many children of immigrants may have grown up being responsible for their parents as well. You know, if we think about an immigrant's journey to the West, they may not speak English well. So a lot of children of immigrants may act as a translator, may help pay the bills, may help take care of younger siblings. So caretaking.
And we know that immigrating and immigration can lead to a lot of family and generational conflict as everyone in the family is growing. navigating their own acculturation journey, creating a sense of belonging in the host country. So a lot of children of immigrants are often mediators for cultural conflict within their family.
This responsibility for the well-being of our parents, whether it's explicitly or implicitly stated, can be reinforced over the years as a sense of obligation. And it's exhausting. It's, you know, children of immigrants are often internalizing these beliefs that they have to be a certain way, that they have to act a certain way.
And then they're out in the world feeling like they're also not enough in the Western sense of the word. And so it's really important, you know, I think in a lot of immigrant communities and for a lot of children of immigrants, we don't talk enough about questioning that guilt, questioning where it comes from and questioning why it's there.
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Chapter 3: How does bicultural straddling contribute to feelings of guilt?
So a lot of children of immigrants and a lot of people in this country deal with feelings, think of feelings as good or bad, think of themselves as right or wrong, this or that, all or nothing. And I really want to encourage you to question that narrative. You know, two things can be true at the same time.
You can pursue something that makes you really happy, something that is inherently good for you, healthy for you, and you can still feel guilt. And so to that, I just really want to drive home the point that guilt is not necessarily a bad emotion. And it's okay if you are always trying to navigate it.
You know, one thing that I've also seen you talk about is how getting clear on our values helps us manage our guilt. Can you share more about that?
Absolutely. Getting clear on your values can definitely help with managing guilt. It's important to get clear on your values instead of assuming that your values are exactly the same as the people around you. And when you're not clear on what's important to you, it's really easy to fall into a pattern of what's expected of you, what other people want from you.
And this can lead to a lot of people pleasing behaviors. It can lead to, you know, seeking approval, maybe keeping the peace because that's what you've been taught, but it doesn't necessarily lead to personal fulfillment. So to get clear on your values, really spend some time reflecting on questions like, what's important to you? When have you been the happiest?
And think about the times that you've been the happiest and then think about values that were being honored during that time. When were you the most unhappy? And think about values that might have been suppressed or crossed. You know, we have to think about living our lives with value driven choices and a lifestyle.
But that's really hard to understand if your values don't overlap with the people you love. And so what I hear from children of immigrants a lot is my values aren't the same. So then what do I do? And so to that, I say, try to find ways to communicate to your parents. A lot of the assumptions and beliefs and values our parents have. Some of them may be rooted in fear.
You know, if they're not necessarily happy with a career choice that you're making, but that aligns with your values, try to address the fear that's coming up, the fear that they have that you won't be secure when they're not here, that you won't be able to make enough money, that you won't be satisfied for years to come and try to address those fears to communicate your values to your parents.
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Chapter 4: What is the concept of thriver's guilt in immigrant families?
Yeah, and that makes a lot of sense, especially with different cultures and figuring all that out. So we have another question from the audience. How do you recommend that people address feelings of guilt tied to someone who is deceased? From John Henderson. That's such a great question.
You know, what I see in the immigrant community and with children of immigrants that may be really relevant here is that guilt is often tied to grief. You know, the guilt of feeling misunderstood, the guilt of feeling like you can't do the things that you want, the guilt of feeling like you're not enough are tied to a grief of something that you didn't have.
Maybe it wasn't the support from your parents. Maybe it wasn't the relationship that you really wanted. So to that, you know, for navigating that, I would say try to get really clear on what it is you feel guilty about and what it is that you're grieving and how you can separate those two. And I would really recommend, you know, seeking community and support for this and also therapy.
Yeah, absolutely. Well, we've come almost to the end. If you could just say one thing that you think would be really important for people to remember when they're experiencing guilt, what would it be?
I'm going to drive home the same point. It is that guilt is a warning sign. Sit with it. Identify your values and standards that are being crossed when you feel guilt. Identify if they are your values and standards or someone else's that you have internalized, and then try to sit with what's important to you in that moment before you decide what your next step should be.
Fantastic. Well, thank you so much, Sahaj, for sharing all this and for your wisdom. Take care. Thanks for joining us. Thank you so much for having me.
TED Talks Daily is hosted by me, Elise Hu, and produced by TED. Theme music is from Allison Leighton-Brown, and our mixer is Christopher Fasey-Bogan. We record the talks at TED events we host or from TEDx events, which are organized independently by volunteers all over the world. And we'd love to hear from you. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or email us at podcasts at TED.com.
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Chapter 5: How can children of immigrants navigate family responsibilities?
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