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Chapter 1: What were the highlights of the Black Caps vs South Africa 3rd T20 match?
Don't tiptoe around the crease. Charge down the wicked with the Alternative Commentary Collective. All thanks to Midland Brick, trusted since 1995. Is this mashy?
This is Fred again, boys. And girls. Sorry.
Oh, this is going to be fizzed up for Friday night.
Friday night.
G'day New Zealand, welcome along to Eden Park for this third T20 Blackcaps vs South Africa live from the Export Beer Garden Studios coverage brought to you by Razine. The ACC coverage here at the Concrete Jungle with a bit of Fred again. Thank you for that mashie. Get the punters going. What are you going to mix that into? Some ground effects. There you go, some ground effects. Yay!
How does that sound? It's an absolute pleasure to welcome along into the Expo Bear Garden studio, Big Sandy's and the meat cleaver himself, Dylan Cleaver. Good evening.
Good evening. Good evening, Mike. It's a pleasure to be here.
I was feeling a little flat until about 30 seconds ago, and I'm fizzing for this. Yep, absolutely. That's what a bit of Fred again does to you. We've got Mashi on the keys over there, Bashy on the ones and twos. Tell you what, this takes me back, fellas. Yeah, you're working on the ones and twos over there. This is going to be a hell of a night. here at the concrete jungle of Eden Park, T23.
Small change for New Zealand. They had won the toss and decided to roll the arm over. They will be fielding first here at Eden Park. One small change. Josh Clarkson is going to sit out. And your favourite player, Bevan John-Jacobs, BJ, is back in the team.
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Chapter 2: What was the significance of the toss in this match?
You can't be on a phone, unfortunately. That's SYNC. You can either go S-I-N-K or you can go S-Y-N-C. It doesn't matter. We've accounted for dyslexic and people who can spell dyslexia. And you've got to sync that up because you can live pause it and then unpause it as Kyle Jamieson will kick T23 off here. Eden Park into the Zorzi and it's down the leg side.
Chapter 3: How did the team changes impact New Zealand's strategy?
Peel for, caught behind but it's just clipped his pad. A little bit of shape there for Gulliver. Kyle Jamieson.
There was a little bit of shape, and that is a little bit of a worry for people who are hoping maybe for an outbreak of runs in the power play. It was very well taken by Tom Latham.
Mesh, are you running the text machine over there?
Yeah, I believe I am. A couple of ticks early.
Plenty of fizz for Fred again. Well, yeah, well, maybe, maybe. Do you want to go full T20 and play music between the overs?
Go full TGA, how about it? Oh, yeah.
Jameson into Dezorzi, the left-hander. Again, down the leg side. It'll be signalled wide, I imagine. Yes, and it is signalled wide. Probably just more shape than what he expected, Kyle Jameson. Umpire.Cotton standing at the bowler's end. I think it's Chris Brown at square left. Yeah, it is Chris Brown.
I still don't forgive him for what he did to Rihanna, but he's still out there umpiring Chris Brown.
I believe he went to the same surgeon as Michael Jackson, actually.
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Chapter 4: How did the batting performances unfold during the match?
Unlike the 2019 World Cup, boundaries mean nothing to these guys. Brought to you by Rosene, New Zealand's colour experts. There's been some sights on those eastern terraces, I can tell you. There's been flatfish being used as frisbees.
There's been margarine lids being used as frisbees. I've seen a vegetable soup go up in waves as Ferguson, the Whakamana Express, full and driven straight to mid-off. Chance for a run-out. Oh, and just misses. Who was that at Santner? Santner, I believe. At mid-off. But that was a risky run from Milli Vanilli, probably to one of the better fielders in the New Zealand team.
He's disappointed with himself too, Santner. Let's have a look at how close that was. Oh, yeah, that would have been out. You cannot slide your bat on anywhere but the actual wicket at Eden Park because it's a drop-in. It just digs into anything on the side. Yeah, it's super soft, isn't it? It's a rugby field. He's learnt that. Oh, what's Tom Latham going on?
Yeah, well, Tom Latham, we'll try and have a word to him later. Looks like he's morphing into some sort of elf. By the looks of it.
It's a Yoda.
Yeah, Yoda. He's got the Yoda vibes. It's Ferguson. Charging. Comes down Mulder. First ball. Charging Ferguson. Backs away. Ferguson bowls a wide Yorker. And he misses it by a country Mulder. Mulder and Scully. It's obviously grown some facial hair for the format. It's a T20 beard, isn't it? But it's a very Christchurch kind of schoolboy attempt. Are you talking Latham here? Latham, yeah.
It's a bit scratchy, isn't it?
This is Ferguson, the Whakamana Express. Comes into Mulder wide again and strikes. There's no timing. Straight to short cover. And there's no run. Looks at the bottom of his bat. Does Mulder. Looking for some excuses about why he didn't cream that to the cover boundary.
It's like they question the bat. Like, what happened?
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Chapter 5: What were the standout performances from the Black Caps?
Swires it into the gutters. And he takes the catch. But, yeah, that was a sharp chance because Mulder creamed that one. Wow, Cummies. Quick, sharp chance to his left. The gum gutters, McConkie and New Zealand Strike First, Whakamana has won. Please continue.
Right, so it's kind of this muscle formation that happens. I guess it's the lower pelvic abdominal and it comes down into a V. And it's kind of like a bit of a trench. It's like a muscle hollow. Yeah, over school. And it's like, yeah, and it's freaking hot when you see it.
It's only also, it's mainly used as gutters in the act of self-pleasure. Right. Yeah. Which is why clearly I wouldn't know anything about it. Yeah, when you've sent an entire civilization onto your tummy.
So I've just Googled it and it's just come up with all of these blurred images.
Yeah, you don't want to do that. Can't do that on the media Wi-Fi. Can't do that on the media Wi-Fi. Jesus Christ. Anyway, Mulder. Mulder, he's gone for a duck. And so they've got a seven for one. Yeah, see. Mine ain't quite like that.
Did you have them when you were working out, bodybuilding?
No.
No, I don't think I ever managed to get the cummies. I sent many a civilisation up north and they just swarmed around. They didn't go down the aqueduct. Here comes Ferguson into Easterhays and edged in.
Oh, dropped at first slip by Nisham. Oh.
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Chapter 6: How did South Africa's bowling strategy affect the game?
And it's Zorzi. Misses it by a mile. I feel like he is living on borrowed time, is Big Tebow and Tony. I feel like he's a candidate for a technical retirement. Wow, it's been done before. Famously, Ben Hurley got tactically retired from a charity game at Hagley Oval by... Was it Kieran Reid? Kieran Reid. He took it well, I believe. No, he sent me out to deliver the news. And I was batting next.
He said, you've got to go out there, Lane. You've got to get him in. He can't get it off the block. Tell him he's out. Me! Jameson into Tony. Oh, he pulls this one, Tony. Out to square leg. Good fielding out there from Conway. He was quite square, but... Actually got one out of the middle, big T-bone. And South Africa eight for one in the third over.
He does tend to noodle it around, though, in fairness to Kieran Reid, doesn't he? Being hurly. Well, yeah. Just work the ones and twos.
I had to go out there and he thought I was coming out to give him a cap because he had a helmet on. He took his helmet off to come to me like he was swapping kit.
Right, okay.
And I said, nah, you've been yanked.
He would have just been about to say, what's the plan from here?
Yeah, he was. He was coming out here like I was carrying water out. What's the target? And he was like, no, no, no, you've been yanked. Jameson into Esterhusen. Oh, he beats the outside edge and through to Latham for delivery. But a little seam away from Jameson. And when I delivered the news, he went, what? I said, I'll talk to Kieran. So I threw him under the bus. It's a good call in the end.
Because it was myself and Joey Wheeler out there. Had a barrage of sixes to get ourselves back in the game. And we actually... And we tied. We tied the game.
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Chapter 7: What were the key moments that led to New Zealand's victory?
Got it under edge and straight into the off stump. And they're going to lose their fifth.
You say unlucky, Mike Lane, but the over before from Sander, he also got a wide long hole outside off stump and did a very similar thing.
When does it stop becoming bad luck and just be bad batting? It was bad batting, but I mean, he did so well to get that ball from where it was to go almost 90 degrees and hit the stump. That's talent there from him in the gym, and he's gone for four. South Africa are 46 for five after eight overs.
His brother's definitely better.
So anyway, back to the stinky pillows.
Yeah, sure.
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Chapter 8: What are the implications of this match for the series?
I think we'll put that to bed anyway. I mean, did it work?
That's where the conversation went. I said, would you mind?
Did she say, what do you mean by stinky pillows?
Yeah, and then I said that it's something that G-Lane says.
So you brought me into the bedroom?
Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. And she did say, don't you ever mutter that name in our bedroom ever again.
Stinky pillows or G-Lane?
You sure she didn't say, say it again? A terrifying text actually coming through on 3236 in regards to this. Mashi, I'm in a corporate box with your partner as we speak. I think that might be Paul Stewart Ford. Uh-oh. Yeah, she is at the cricket tonight.
Jimmy Nashim, the golden arm, is coming on now to bowl the ninth over. South Africa 46 for 5.
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