423 | Why comparing yourself to coworkers who *seem* more confident stifles your true potential
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Why does seeing a confident coworker make me feel less confident?
If you've ever had a moment where seeing someone else's confidence made you feel bad about yourself, today's episode is for you. You might have had moments where you're in a meeting at work and one of your coworkers gives an update to the group and you notice how calm and poised they sound. And then all of a sudden, you start Start feeling like you're very far behind them. And you start thinking, like, oh my gosh, they sound so confident, they must be so calm inside. And I'm always so nervous in these meetings. I'm such a mess. I could never speak like that. When you have these experiences of comparing yourself to others, it can cause you to feel a ton of despair. It can really deflate your confidence and it can get in the way of you speaking up and having a powerful voice at work, which is why I want to teach you something that is going to help you stop comparing yourself to other people and stop getting swept away in that emotional current of despair that happens when you see someone who seems
much more confident than you or much farther along than you. So, to help you with this, I have to teach you the difference between what I call visible comparison versus blind comparison. Visible comparison is where you compare yourself to other people based on things that are visible, things that you can observe. So, an example would be you comparing yourself to a Coworker who is more concise than you. So maybe you think to yourself, oh, her update was really quick and to the point. And then when I gave my update in the meeting, I took much longer and I spoke in circles. That's a visible comparison because you watched her give her update, and then you watched yourself give your update and you're comparing the two.
Blind comparison. Comparison is when you're comparing something that you can't actually observe. So it's called blind comparison because you are blind to the dimension that you're using to compare yourself to another person. So some examples of blind comparison would be: she is so much more confident than I am. He is so Much less overwhelmed than I am in this type of meeting. That person over there doesn't get as nervous as I do when it's time to speak. She doesn't doubt herself the way that I doubt myself when I'm in the room with high-up leaders. These are all blind comparisons because the thing that you're comparing is something that you can't. See, you are blind to it. We can't ever know what another human being is feeling and thinking inside.
We can't know for certain whether they feel confident or not, whether they feel nervous or not, whether they feel overwhelmed or not, whether they doubt themselves or not. And blind comparison can be really tricky and Sneaky because someone can look confident and self-assured on the outside and still feel very doubtful or overwhelmed or anxious on the inside. And when you engage in blind comparison, it's really easy to forget that.
What is the difference between visible comparison and blind comparison?
And it's really easy to assume that if someone looks like they have it all together on the outside, they must also have it all together on the inside. Now, all forms of comparison, whether it's visible comparison or blind comparison, all of them kill your confidence. However, blind comparison can be especially detrimental to your efforts to build confidence. And in my coaching work, I've seen that blind comparison keeps people stuck. In ways that visible comparison doesn't. What's so insidious and sneaky about blind comparison is that because it's based on assumptions, your brain will come up with whatever assumptions suit the beliefs that you already have about yourself. This is called confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias. Means when we believe something is true, we are biased towards finding evidence that confirms that our belief is true, whether the belief is true or not. So if you believe that you are worse than other people, that something is wrong with you, that you're fundamentally lacking the confidence that other people have, confirmation bias is going to Have you searching for evidence that confirms that that's true?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why does seeing a confident coworker make me feel less confident?
0:00–3:41
2
What is the difference between visible comparison and blind comparison?
3:41–7:32
3
How does blind comparison create false beliefs about others' confidence?
7:32–10:12
4
What role does confirmation bias play in reinforcing my self‑doubt?
10:12–12:43
5
Why does focusing on avoiding nervousness keep me from building real confidence?
12:43–15:34
6
How can I replace avoidance with resilience to grow my confidence?
15:34–19:01
7
What simple mindset shift can stop me from obsessing over others’ internal states?
19:01–21:50
8
How does embracing adversity and emotional discomfort lead to unshakable leadership?
21:50–25:19
Speakers
1 identifiedMore from The Art of Speaking Up
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424 | Stop overworking: 4 ways to decline extra work without hurting your reputation