Chapter 1: What happens when Friday the 13th meets Valentine's Day?
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Chapter 2: What are the most outrageous unsolicited recommendations from Clay Travis?
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Well, back in November, a man in Washington, D.C. was found not guilty of assaulting a federal officer with a sandwich. Weird choice. Well, he finally got Juicy Smolet's sandwich. We missed the annual announcement from Pantone naming the color of the year. It was Cloud Dancer, as we had all predicted. George Foreman died. Claire Obscure Expedition 33 was unanimously named Game of the Year.
Sorry, ARC Raiders. And people apparently care about gay athletes now. It's weird that they picked hockey for that one. Justin Trudeau finally did something more embarrassing than blackface. Oh, no. Fair. A 45-year-old woman in Carlsbad, California broke a world record by inserting 711 golf tees into her hair.
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Chapter 3: How does Patti Stanger view modern dating?
What? Why? Why? Well, par for the course. And pennies were canceled. That's it? Okay, sounds good. Oh, wait. One more thing.
I don't like girls. And men never change for Mr. Irving.
Oh yeah, everything kind of went to shit, didn't it? But let's focus on a recent moment that deserves the Ben After Dark treatment. It was the biggest Spanish concert since that little boy met dead people.
Where should I put my shoes? Ay mi amor, ay mi amor. You say put them on your head. Ay mi amor, ay mi amor.
He would have been better. He would have. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and bash everything about the Bad Bunny halftime show. That would be truly just out of unwarranted spite. There were definitely some cool parts. Production value, stellar. He fell through a roof, but I mean, Lil Jon did do that first. The performance looked cinematic.
The setup was cool and visually it was pretty satisfying. But you know what else was all those things? Waterworld.
You know, he's like a turd that won't flush.
And the Waterworld script sucked. It lacked substance. No one understood it. The storytelling was confusing, and as a larger piece of art, it absolutely bombed. El Bombo. Listen, I don't think I translated that right, but that's my review of the Bad Bunny Super Bowl performance.
Just because famous Latinos, and for some reason Alex Earle, who is as white as Birkenstocks, joined him on stage doesn't make it revolutionary. And if I follow the story correctly, if he builds a baseball field in Puerto Rico, dead players show up. Wow, two Kevin Costner references. Someone likes the 80s. Come on, his music is terrible.
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Chapter 4: What bizarre news stories did we miss during the hiatus?
System of Downs, John Dolmayan on drums. Give Ted Nugent the mic, Rob Schneider on the triangle, and put some kiss makeup on Mike Huckabee. You think people would still watch Bad Bunny with that alternative nearby? No chance. Let's shake things up. How about Nicki Minaj? I see you, girl. She's always been supportive of my own rap endeavors, and now she's jumped into the world of politics.
Invite her into the super group. She can perform Anaconda about Trump.
He referred to my hands. If they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee it.
That was a thing that happened in all of our lives. Do you remember this? That actually happened in our lives. And that man has been president twice. That was a thing that the other guy there is the secretary of state now. America. It's unbelievable. The point is Bad Bunny's performance was all smoke and mirrors and musically lacking in every possible way.
That's why none of you remembered even one of the songs the next day. And before you even try, that's a Lady Gaga song you're thinking about. Also, next time, may I suggest picking riper fruit from that field?
Oh, my God.
Oh, well. And yes, I will talk about the Epstein file. Well, folks, it's Valentine's Day. And so I could do an amazing transition to a mattress ad right here. You know, the kind of transition that you would expect me to do here on Ben After Dark. But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm just going to tell you, you need a mattress to sleep on. Because let's be real.
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Chapter 5: What are the highlights from the Bad Bunny Super Bowl performance?
They'll also have to completely dissect Jeffrey Epstein and his entire gaggle of criminals. And yes, I mean everyone in the gaggle. We see you, Winnie the Pooh. And this week also marked the start of the 2026 Winter Olympics in Milan Cortina, which sounds less and less like a location and more like every model Leonardo DiCaprio has ever dated. Although it's too old for him, I think.
Norway and Italy have led the way so far, racking up victories in sports like ice hockey, figure skating, luge, and apparently penis injections. That is correct. This is a real story. This year, rumors of ski jumpers getting penis enlarging injections of hyaluronic acid have run rampant throughout the games, creating what fans have lovingly deemed penis skates.
Now, that might sound disgusting at first, but keep in mind, it still has a long way to go before it gets to pink eye levels of gross. Not great, Bob. Also, inflate gate was right there. Now, other than just creating an impressive unit, you might be asking yourself, how could medically increased junk help a competitive skier? And the obvious answer is probably overall confidence.
Look at those hands. Are they small hands?
But the more detailed response involves creating a slightly larger, looser, and more aerodynamic suit. This, in theory, would create more lift and achieve a further distance in the air, kind of like a flying squirrel or something. And also, since it's so cold there, does it even really help? This probably just brings you back to ground zero.
It might bring the turtle out of his shell, if you know what I'm talking about. But the truth is, a two-centimeter increase in suit size could potentially add five to six meters to a jump. Maybe even eight to nine meters, if you catch a quick glimpse at that Sydney Sweeney jeans commercial.
Now, many countries have called the gossip baseless, but the World Doping Agency said it will investigate the claim, less to punish anyone more for just personal research, apparently. Also, not since Bill Clinton had relations with that woman has a press conference about cheating created so many headlines.
After winning the bronze medal in the 20-kilometer biathlon, Norwegian Sturla Holm Legred revealed to local reporters that he cheated on his girlfriend. Some athletes announced they're going to Disneyland.
This guy booked his tickets to the dog house.
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