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Chapter 1: What advice does Hannah Berner give about not settling for a bad boyfriend?
Ugly people cheat, too. Yeah, if you can believe, ugly people suck, too.
I would argue ugly men... Cheat a lot more. Cheat a lot more because they're insecure. Yeah, I've also... Really good-looking men have seen enough tits. They're tired. By 35, they're like, I've seen them all. I'm good. I just want a cigarette and to relax.
Hey everyone, and welcome back to another episode of The Comment Section Show. Sorry, me, your fave, everybody knows me, who cares about me. On to the guest today, we have the iconic, the hilarious, the legendary, Hannah Burner. Woo!
Oh my God, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Oh my God, I'm so happy to have you. We've literally met for three seconds.
We have. But we were saying. And we've already kissed at least twice.
We've...
Before the cameras came on?
We went to third base. We were lighting it up. Bitch, it was crazy.
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Chapter 2: How did Hannah's tennis career influence her approach to stand-up comedy?
I'll climb you like a tree.
You won't have to climb that far. You're tall too. Yeah, I'm 5'7". No, I was saying, in my friend group, I'm the tall one. You and me both, sister. I put girls in my pockets. Right. I carry their baggage for them. Yeah.
i'm dada and you're dada i'm daddy yeah like when we go out same no my bestie page i'm her boyfriend you're her man i'm her man you're her man i'm her man but no i'm so excited to be here you um i feel like we both are men's like sleep paralysis demons in different ways yeah we're sandwiching them for real so like i just artist to artist i just want to say I love your work.
Lover of the game to lover of the game. All his life. And people express it in different ways, but I appreciate your hard work out there in the streets.
Honestly, likewise. I think, honestly, I think that's why we feel spiritually connected.
Yeah, I think that's, we've literally never spent time with each other.
No, but it feels like we have.
Also, you're close with Teffy. Yes, I am. I'm close with Teffy. So when you text Teffy, I feel like you texted me.
Is that a thing where you're like, no, we just recently exchanged numbers. So now we're for real. Now when I text Safiya, I will text you for real.
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Chapter 3: What is Hannah's experience with ghostwriting texts for friends?
That's how I feel about male gynecologists. What's the matter with you?
That should be illegal.
What's the matter with you? So you're a pervert. So you're a doctor pervert.
You had a choice. You decided to be a pervert. You're not even hiding that you're a pervert.
You chose to go to get a PhD and perv.
You know what they're doing? They're almost... That's what PG stands for, perv. But you know what they'll do? They'll be like, you'll be like, you're a pervert for that. And they're like, you're a pervert for thinking I'm a pervert for that. Like, they try to turn on you.
I'm like, what are we, a Russian doll? Here we are. Fucking perv on perv.
No, I've never had it. And I'll do a male masseuse. Right. I'll go to second base. I don't care. But...
um no yeah absolutely not and i know gay guys are not become gay guys are not becoming gynecologists because that's gross yeah straight men are being weird they're being weird that's what i said you're being perv i know it and that's why i know it to be true that's why we have barely any research in it because they don't work they're just poking around
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Chapter 4: How does Hannah describe her first encounter with her husband?
You're a team of one. I'm a team of one. It's me fighting with myself at night being like, why the fuck did you do that?
And Hannah was a for real tennis player, period. I love an athletic bitch, period.
Oh my God, thank you. But also, people make fun of me for talking about tennis, which I do talk about a lot. But it's like what I did and what I know. And if I was a dude who played basketball, they'd be like, Former basketball player. He played in high school.
I don't know if you know this, but I did play basketball at one point in my life.
But I am also that girl who will talk about an injury I had in college like a fuckboy on a date. But maybe that's my feminism. Going up to men and making them hear about my college tennis career. It's like Taylor Swift playing guitar for Travis Kelsey every night. That's what I've actually... I love that shit. You're gentrifying their space.
You're taking up their time.
Girls need to start just playing bad guitar at night. I feel like this is the podcast where we could start those types of movements.
Right, yeah. Start being annoying in any way. Really annoying. The way that they are. Take their jobs, yeah. They are extremely annoying.
Learn.
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Chapter 5: What insights does Hannah share about relationships and personal growth?
Yeah.
They're focusing on what they love, which is being funny.
And that's why I think so many lesbians, like, yeah, they pave the way for the straight girls. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Even though I am lesbian passing. Right.
You and me both. In that sense, yeah.
Because we could throw a ball.
Well, yeah. I also think it's just like me giving Dada. But that's also just like, I think I'm extremely straight looking and generally like energy. But I think it's also just because I'm so fucking mean to men.
I was going to say, because you're not scared. You don't look scared. Yeah. And you're not afraid of a man not liking you. No, never.
And that's power, right? I'm kind of hoping for it.
Ooh, if a man likes you, talk to yourself about that.
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Chapter 6: How does Hannah perceive the dynamics of women in male-dominated spaces?
We're warm.
No, you feel warm. Once again, you're thinking about you.
Yes, I've never been cold. I've been like, if I had a dick in me, I'd be warm right now. Yeah. Sorry, Mom. God, I'm freezing. I wish someone was here. I'm freezing. I wish I had a dick. I wish I had penetration. No. No. No.
one one other guy said stabbing i had to stop the show right okay no yeah all right well stabbing cops on him they do all the like you know exciting and i'm like yeah i've never finished sex and been like exciting that was so exciting on my special some guy said teamwork i said there's
teamwork that's not even a descriptive word so like it's not an adjective i've lost more faith in the male species since like doing i've been in the rooms drew i'm talking to the specimen yeah you're getting ground like ground floor yes yeah boots on the ground and it's not looking good and then i'm looking at their girlfriend i'm like this conversation in the car going home is going to be a journey
Hey, hopefully you guys fight on the way home.
Yeah, hopefully you work some stuff out. Because I'm just speaking truths up here.
I'm not doing crowd work, actually.
I'm just nosy on stage, actually.
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Chapter 7: What are Hannah's thoughts on confidence and self-perception?
My dad would literally disown me to smell Jalen Brunson. Yeah. But it's I come from like my grandpa was a basketball coach in Brooklyn. Very cool. And he was one of those literally guys that they make. They talk about in movies where he'd see like a tall guy on the street and be like, you're making it to college.
You're coming to high school like crazy, like just insane Brooklyn in the 70s, if you can imagine. Yeah. So then in college, I was like I went to Wisconsin playing tennis and I had to do a gig my last year. And I was like, are you guys badgers? The be-edgers, go be-edgers. Yes, you are. And it was a little culture shock for me, but we learned, we grew, we had a lot of cheese.
I learned I need lactate, which you love.
Yes, I do.
I'm very familiar with lactate. That's what we DM about. Yeah, that's true. If you're wondering what's under the surface. That's true. I love me looking at the camera for that. So anyway, yeah, at Wisconsin, I started doing interviews and the men would come up to me before I had to go on camera and be like,
do you know what a double double is and i had to look at like first of all do you think i like accidentally fell in this and i and i'm just lying my way through like yes Like, do you think that I'm just a girl who was given a microphone? I don't know what I'm doing. Why am I here? And I remember getting fucking angry. Yeah.
And the like the constant just like little the assumption that I don't know anything. Yeah. And then I I had to move to like a small town to start if I wanted to do sports broadcasting. And I was I was like, I want to go back to New York City.
and he ended up cold calling blah blah blah but long story short it was because i felt like it was so sexist that i kind of was like i'm not in the mood for this right and then i found myself in stand-up comedy but i feel like that was when i was like stronger and ready to right totally i just love disrupting male spaces and that's like what i was put on this earth for you're telling me bitch so anyway that's why i love you but i feel like we do it in um
in a way that's so tasteful.
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Chapter 8: What lessons does Hannah share about navigating the entertainment industry?
That's just trying to have a division one child.
Yeah.
Yeah, you talk about that, right? That's true.
I pitched that to Caleb because I don't want kids personally. But I've told Caleb, I was like, I mean, obviously I don't want to ever be pregnant. But if my egg mixed with his sperm in my body. Holy Olympian. D1. Olympian. And he was like, well, now I'm going to have to consider. Because he loves football. Which I was like, you know what? And look. Listen.
But it's true. If I was a large man in college and I saw you.
start humping your leg i'd be like nike sponsorship date out of the womb but also your poor pussy like right that baby would be fucking huge yeah no way that's why even my my man like now is like he's six four so he's a big dude and like if like we he was like a 11 or 12 pound baby and i was like a i was a nine pound almost 10 pound baby
I feel like that's a good. So I'm good. I should talk about that more often. Like, how much did you weigh when you came out of the womb? Is that allowed? Yeah. They're like, let's not talk about baby's bodies. Let's not. Shaming baby's bodies. Let's not. Let's not. I go, you were nine. Oh, interesting.
Yeah. I know. I was a big ass fucking baby. Wow.
I don't know how old I was.
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