TCB Podcast - Episode #744: On this sacrilegiously scattered episode of The Commercial Break, Bryan and Krissy pull back the incense-scented curtain on one of the most secretive events in the world: the Papal Conclave. From shadowy millionaire clubs in the U.S. to Italian paparazzi tracking celibate cardinals like they’re on “The Real Housewives of Rome,” no holy stone is left unturned. What’s the cost of influencing a pope? Apparently, about a billion bucks and a whisper in the right holy ear. Also: habeas pump-em, fake Latin phrases, and biting the Pope’s ear (not literally, calm down). Then, Flau'Jae is left hung out to soak at the Met Gala. Thanks E! TCB Intro Clips: Focus on yourself, Ferris! Watch EP #744 on YouTube! Text us or leave us a voicemail: +1 (212) 433-3TCB FOLLOW US: Instagram: @thecommercialbreak Youtube: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast Website: www.tcbpodcast.com CREDITS: Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Executive Producer: Bryan Green Producer: Astrid B. Green Voice Over: Rachel McGrath TCBits Written, Voiced and Produced by Bryan Green To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
The secret ultra wealthy club of people who donate millions and millions of dollars to the Catholic Church every year. And for that, they get access to the Pope directly. Access to the Pope. They get to meet him, essentially. Now, I don't know what kind of...
I gotta know the intricacies around the access to the Pope, but I would imagine that if you're donating a couple million dollars a year, you get to bite the ear of the Pope at least once in a blue moon. Or you know somebody who can bite the ear of the Pope. Not literally everyone's settled down.
I know the Catholic Church is up to some hanky-panky, but I don't think they're biting the ear of the Pope. This group of people, they donate a lot of money. And so they have a lot of influence. And what I did not know until I started reading about it, partly in the Italian media, translated into English because I have no idea how to speak Italian.
Is that the nine days in between the funeral and the conclave, there is a lot of lobbying that goes on to press people to vote a certain way for the new pope. Now, I guess this is, you know, again, not really that surprising. We're human and this is what humans do. We try and, you know, put our spin on things. We want things our way. We're bratty little fuck ups. We're bratty little fuck tards.
That's what we do. But this group of people here in the United States, this something of St. Peter, they have promised to raise over a billion dollars if they can just get the pope they want to get, which apparently is one of the cardinal of Boston or whoever that guy is that everybody's so in love with. And that just surprises the shit out of me that it's so transparently bought and paid for.
Do you know what I'm saying? You would think that in the steps of Jesus Christ, the guy who literally walked around touching lepers open sores and just like bemoaned any kind of notoriety, had no interest in wealth or fame, was like the most humble. He'd probably be surprised we're even still talking about him. Like, I think that would be something he would not be interested in.
But this whole religion that goes along the word of Jesus Christ, and they're trying to sway influence with billions of, literally billions of dollars that they're putting in people's pockets, lining the pockets of the Vatican so that they can have some sway and influence over who the next pope is. Now, listen, to a lot of Catholics, the next pope is an important decision to be made. Why? No.
I guess because they can have some influence over the doctrine or the way that the church goes or things that they do or the rules of the church. If you're Brian Greene, the rules of the Catholic Church were made to be broken. I made out with somebody as an altar boy during one of the church services. I am certainly going to hell if this is the way it goes. I'm certainly going to hell.
But, you know, hey, listen, in, I guess, 2025, everything's just Bitcoin. That's what we're doing. It's just Bitcoin. I'll pay you a billion in Bitcoin. Popcorn. Anyway, habeas pompum, Chrissy. Merry habeas pompum. Merry habeas pompum. May it be quick and painless. May the white smoke... Puff from the phallic chimney of the Vatican sooner rather than later.
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Chapter 2: How does the Papal Conclave remain secretive?
Yeah, Vegas clubs and Ibiza.
That kind of thing.
Yeah, Ibiza. Ibiza.
But he was lined up in the other slot.
Okay. All right.
A lot of people came out for it, though.
Was it a big crowd? Mm-hmm. I looked at the setup I was looking at, and I noticed that it was very spread out, a big area.
Right. Well, because it's along the river, hence the name River Beat.
How many people do they think showed up to River Beat?
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Chapter 3: Who influences the decision of the next Pope?
She can go to that little dinner ahead of time, and then she can go Saturday night. She'll be limited to 10 p.m., and then she needs to be back at the hotel room creating content for the commercial break.
The hard thing is I want to see everything. I know you do. And I want to see everybody.
I know.
And it's fun.
Listen, I get it. I'm not immune to the FOMO. I'm not immune to it. I look at you doing all these things and I think it's great. And I would love to be there with you too. And you know that I would go if I could go. And maybe I will go. But I also, from the last time I spent three nights at a festival, which was Mempho, and I didn't even drink. It took me days to recover from that.
There's just a certain amount of... Like, I don't know. You got to limit yourself sometimes at – I think this goes for anybody. I wish I had this bit. I'm giving my young self – you know how people say that time and space doesn't matter and it's all just a construct of the mind and that my younger self is living in some alternate timeline? Let me tell you, Brian. Pace yourself, buddy.
Pace yourself. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And you will, I promise you, at your advanced age, you will kiss yourself on the mouth for pacing yourself. Because part of me thinks that the reason why three-day festival just sounds exhausting is because I have done it so many times in my young life. That I like burned my body out.
There's only so much running room you have in your spirit. And you just, you gotta, you gotta tamper it down sometimes, Chrissy. Here I am giving a speech to you and I got three fucking children. Because here's the reality.
You're running a three-day festival all the time.
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