The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Goes “Captain Phillips” on Venezuelan Tanker & MAGA Purges "Woke" Fonts | Lonnie Thompson
12 Dec 2025
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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You're listening to Comedy Central.
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Michael Kosta. baby. We got a good one. Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Michael Kosta. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Everyone on Santa's naughty list throws their own Christmas party. Trump tells Venezuela, look at me. I'm the captain now.
And which fonts are the gayest? We investigate. So let's get into the headlines. Let's start with an update on America's escalating conflict with Venezuela. While it may seem to have come out of nowhere, it dates all the way back to the Mesozoic era, when oil formed under the Earth's surface, which Venezuela then greedily parked on top of. And now this conflict's heating up.
We turn to that major escalation off the coast of Venezuela.
American forces seizing an oil tanker seen in this dramatic video here.
The Department of Homeland Security shared the footage, said to the song, Mama Said Knock You Out. Oh, my God, does everything have to be content these days? Can't we just take other countries' oil for the love of the game? I will say, I am so glad that we didn't have social media during World War II.
Imagine if you saw a video of your grandpa storming the beaches of Normandy while Wet Ass by Cardi B plays. When Donald Trump delivered the news that America captained Phillips to this oil tanker, you can see the moment when he thought for a second about not being Donald Trump, but then he decided to be Donald Trump. As you probably know, we've just seized a tanker on the coast of Venezuela.
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Chapter 2: What recent event escalated the U.S.-Venezuela conflict?
We can say the R word again. Let's see, are there any gay fonts? And of course, Newsmax had to make this whole idea of a font called Calibri sound suspiciously... Ethnic? He's ordering every U.S. diplomat worldwide to stop immediately using that Calibri? Calibri? Calibru Akbar? Cala Cala Mamdani? Whatever happened to good old American font names like Kyle or Chad? Look,
Let's not forget about the real victim in all this. Of course, I'm talking about the man who designed the Calibri font. And before I show you who that is, just take a moment to picture in your mind what this professional font designer might look like.
Because you're correct. Joining me now, Luc de Groot, the designer who created the Calibri font. Really appreciate you joining us today.
I mean, has anyone in history ever been more font designer than this guy? He only had two options in his life, this or killing James Bond. He looks like a guy who I would listen to while stroking my chin, and then when he walked away, I'd go, I have no clue what that guy's talking about. But just look at this blackboard. I mean, this guy's got game.
He's got a candle thing, what looks like a new G, and then look at the bottom right here. Look at that ghost made out of train tracks. Did he just, is this like a new letter? You can see why this man makes the medium bucks, huh? Honestly, I'm just glad this kid who went to middle school and drew the cool S all the time was allowed to make a career out of it.
Anyways, let's hear what Sprockets here has to say. I assume it's something along the lines of all fonts are beautiful and we shouldn't be pitting them against each other?
I would rather say that Times New Roman is not a professional font. The distances between the letters are very irregular. It's way too spindly. It's too thin. The setups are too thin. The sharp details are hurt in the eyes and not very pleasing to read.
Whoa! Shit! Shit! Damn!
What?
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Chapter 3: How did Trump reference the 'Captain Phillips' moment?
Even the name, Times New Roman, as in I'm just roaming the bathhouses for gay sex? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that's not what it's short for, but fine. Okay, which fonts are not woke? Look, not a lot, okay? It's basically just the Metallica font and maybe the Goosebumps font. But that's why the Trump administration's hard at work designing brand new fonts here at the MAGA font laboratory.
The MAGA font laboratory? Yeah, yeah. It used to be a research facility to combat childhood diabetes, but... RFK Jr. gave all the fat kids raw milk and sent them home, so... So now, they're using this facility for actual good, okay? By creating the most alpha, unwokest typefaces you've ever seen. Check this one out, Costa. It's the America rules font. You see this?
It's pretty much the Sopranos font, but even more letters are guns. And guns are cool. Therefore, this font is cool. You scared, Costa? No. No, it's just hard to read, though. Yeah, that's the point. They want things to be harder to read, OK? Reading is how liberals indoctrinate children. Remember that book, Curious George? What's he so curious about, Costa? Islam? I don't want to know.
Which is why we got another font that's even harder to read. And we're calling it MAGA Warrior, okay? Every capital letter is a Confederate monument. Except the W's, which are boobs. Now imagine getting an official memo with that, Costa. You probably shit your pants. Ronny, Ronny, Ronny, this is insane. These are all offensive, and they're just offensive for the sake of being offensive.
Why does this administration always have to act like such aggro bros? Because America needs to project strength. Like with this font called you, bro. All the letters are just middle fingers, okay? You see how much better it makes this Maya Angelou poem? No, okay. This isn't even writing anymore. Why can't you guys just settle on a plain neutral font like courier? Oh, courier?
As in send a courier to the bathhouse to pick up some Lizzo posters? No thanks, Costa. You see, what these fonts represent... Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm being told one of the experimental fonts got out. And this one's just a gorilla with a rocket launcher, okay? So I got to get out of here. Well, just follow the exit signs, Ronnie. Yeah, I can't. All the signs are just middle fingers.
I mean, it's so cool, but where do I go? Where do I go? Where do I go? Where do I go? He'll be all right. Ronny Chieng, everyone. When we come back, we're going to sneak peek at the best Christmas movie you'll see this year. Don't go away.
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Chapter 4: What fonts are considered 'woke' by the State Department?
Ha! Democrats caved again. Chuck Schumer is pathetic. Chuck Schumer is pathetic. Wait, we agree?
This holiday season,
I didn't know you hated Chuck Schumer.
Everyone hates Chuck Schumer.
I know why. It's because he's Jewish. Not now, Grog. Oh, Trolley Knight. Whoo! Huh? When we come back, Lottie Thompson will be joining me on the show. Don't go away. Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is a paleoclimatologist whose pioneering research collecting ice cores to study climate change is featured in the documentary Canary. Please welcome Lonnie Thompson.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me on the show.
It's no problem.
Thank you for coming, and thank you for all the work you've done. Thank you for... Man, that doesn't seem easy, what you've been doing your whole professional career. You've been studying ice cores in the tropical region's glaciers. That's right. Is that right? You got it.
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Chapter 5: What is the significance of the Calibri font ban?
What is an ice core? Look, Lonnie, I know. They don't know. What's an ice core? An ice core is a cylinder of ice. They're about four inches in diameter. Yep. And we drill them. We use a drill just like you would drilling for oil. You go down, you bring up a core, and you can drill 100 and 200 feet, or you can drill three miles in Antarctica where we have lots of ice.
So what does that cylinder tell you? Ice is amazing. I can say that. I've spent my life studying this stuff. Ice tells us not just climate, things like temperature from the isotopes in the ice and precipitation by the annual layer thickness.
It also tells us Volcanic eruptions, things that can change climate. We can look at changes in the output of the sun through cosmogenic nuclides.
Meaning in those years. So you can go all the way down to this glacier and know what it was like 1,000 years ago. We have records from Antarctica that go back over 800,000. Get the out of here right now. What did you guys do at your job today, huh? Fill out a little Microsoft Excel sheet? So we know the temperature. We know if it rained that year.
And we also know the composition of the atmosphere and the bubbles trapped in the ice. Wow. So we can look at CO2 and methane, those things we're concerned about today.
OK.
What's the natural? And where are we today? Right, I was going to say, so knowing that history then allows us to analyze where we are today. That is the purpose. And we'll get to that in a second. And the movie's called Canary, and it is a beautiful documentary of your life's work. And if this even intrigues you at all, what he's saying, check out the film.
It's available actually for free now on YouTube for a few weeks, which they're doing for us and for our audience to watch it with your family over the holidays. You can't just fly 20,000 feet to a glacier with a six-ton drill. Am I right? Yeah, absolutely. So how do you get all this stuff up there? Well, first of all, you have to have lots of good people to work with. Right. Can't do it alone.
Right. So this is a team effort. OK. And you have to have lightweight equipment. And we're very fortunate to live in this where you have Kevlar cable, and you have Teflon, and you have all of these things that allow us to do these. So it has to be lightweight, portable, but you still, in total, weigh six tons. Yeah. And you've got to get it up there and assemble it. So, yeah, a great team effort.
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