Chapter 1: How can I find common ground with my husband about productivity?
So my husband and I, I'm just curious how we can come to a common ground regarding our different energy levels and different ideas of productivity.
You're saying that so clinically. All right. Put your notes away. What's the real thing beneath the thing? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. People calling in from all over the planet, talking about their mental and emotional health, their relationships, whatever you got going on in your life.
For two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move, and I'm glad that you're with us. Whether you're calling into the show or whether you are listening to the show, wanting to Man, help be a part of healing this mess that we got on our hands, both as a culture, as a country, all over the place. Thank you for tuning in.
And together, we're going to get this thing right. All right. Boise, Idaho. Let's talk to Haley. What's up, Haley?
Hey, Dr. John. How are you today?
I'm great. How about you?
Doing good. Thank you. It's an honor to talk to you.
It's an honor to talk to you. Thanks for calling. What's going on?
Yeah. So my husband and I, I'm just curious how we can come to a common ground regarding our different energy levels and different ideas of productivity.
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Chapter 2: What are the challenges of differing productivity styles in marriage?
You're right. It isn't. Is that responsibility come from a picture that you have of a good wife has a house that looks like this? Or a good mom is like this? Or is it, the list is a roadmap for you to feel like this guy is actually plugged into the pulse of your house?
Probably a bit of all of that, honestly. I want, like I'll find myself being frustrated if he's on his phone when he gets home from work. Our kid, he's an amazing father, but sometimes our child is like, you can tell he wants attention. My husband will kind of just be saying, I need a little time to relax.
And I'm like, I don't want, I just get so worried that something, that their relationship is going to hurt because of that.
Okay.
There's no evidence that it will.
Well, I mean, there is. I mean, there's tons of evidence. I wouldn't have a show if it wasn't for moms and dads coming home and gluing themselves to a screen as to avoid that feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness and exhaustion at home. I wouldn't have a job if that did happen, right? So you're right to worry, but what feels like the blinking lights for me are
that y'all are having, you've probably heard me say this, y'all are having proxy wars. And I want to define what does downtime mean. Right. And what does this list represent?
And if the list represents a story you've told yourself about what makes you a good wife and a good mother and a good partner, then you've got a partner walking in the door, stepping over the laundry, being like, I don't care about that. And so that means it's a story you're telling yourself and we need to read either. I'm just going to do the law.
I'm just going to fold it because it's my burden I'm placing on myself or I need to exhale and realize I got to change my story about the shoulds and the have tos because they're not true. They may have, they may have served me in a former life as a kid, but they're not serving me now. Or if that list is a representation of, um, we have this new kid and I'm losing my guy. I miss you.
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Chapter 3: What should I do when my mother-in-law's gifts feel overwhelming?
It's a place where I'm yet again doing things not the right way. You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, totally.
Then quote unquote downtime. It's not downtime. It's not rest and recovery. It's not like on Saturday, this past Saturday, my wife said, hey, I'm gonna go take a nap for an hour and a half. Like that was a bounded time. I need away from you and Josephine because y'all are bickering and fighting. Me and my daughter are always wrestling with each other. And I need some sleep.
I'm gonna go to some sleep. I'll be back in 90 minutes. It was awesome. And honestly, I don't know when she came out. It could have been two and a half hours later. I don't know. But it was, it was not, I need to not be present with y'all. It was, I need some R&R and here's what that's going to look like.
Yeah.
And so it's these, it's these dot, dot, dots. What does, what does quote unquote downtime mean? And is it transitioning from, hey, I had to show up to 25 strangers' homes and cars today, and every one of those I thought I could get killed and not be able to come home to you, and I just need to exhale? Cool. Maybe that's going to the gym then. Maybe that's sitting in the driveway for 30 minutes.
Maybe that's walking in and you greeting him with a cup of coffee. But that's different than I'm walking in my front door and here I am. I'm back to another... I feel like my home's a failure factory.
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Chapter 4: What boundaries should I set with family members regarding gifts?
I'm not good enough here either. And then you feel like I'm a failure of a spouse because I don't feel like I'm... And you see how it just gets in this weird figure eight.
Yes, totally.
You make more lists and he detaches more and all of a sudden, ugh.
Yeah.
I don't want that. Yeah. So let me ask you, what does the list represent for you? What does it mean?
I think...
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Chapter 5: How can I communicate effectively about my feelings of resentment?
I think you're right. Like, I want to be, want to have this nice clean house and my kids to have a nice cooked meal. I don't want to, you know, I just, I think it's standards I hold myself to.
Where did those come from? And that doesn't have to be some deep psychological something or other, but where do these standards come from? That this is what a house is supposed to, I mean, your kid's got to eat, right? And like your kids need diapers, whatever. But like, where does the, this house has to look like this and operate like this or I'm not enough.
I mean, it's so, I've been telling myself that for so long. And the only thing I can think is it's, I'm sure social media has to do with it, other people. But I also think it's a, I think it's just a society thing. I think it's just like, if I can't, like people with 10 kids are doing this better than I am with two kids.
They're not. They're absolutely not. 100% they're not. Guaranteed. That's what my husband says. Guaranteed. 100%. You know how I know? Because I'm in their homes. They're not.
Yeah.
They're not. But let's get to the bottom, the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. There's something powerful about you telling your husband, I feel seen and known and loved when you walk in the door and I know you're exhausted. And the first thing you do is you scan the room and grab the basket of laundry and take it to our bedroom and fold it.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I... And I've told him that and anytime we're really good about anytime. Hey, thank you so much for doing the dishes. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. You know, we're really good communication. I just don't see it. Like, I think my expectation is you did this yesterday. Why don't you do it today? And the next day, the next day.
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Chapter 6: How can I support my friend who is considering returning to an abusive ex?
And, and I think, and there's no consistency there with how we are different in that. It's like some days he's really good about hopping up and, and, not taking two hours of downtime. And he comes home right away and is spending time with our kids. But then the next day, it's like he just... It's the complete opposite. And I really struggle with consistency there.
Yeah, I don't know where I heard this, but it's kind of stuck in my head that unspoken expectations are prearranged resentments.
Yeah, and I know that... One thing I've always had to manage my expectations. Something I'm learning for sure.
Well, I think it's less about managing expectations and managing the finish line. Because the moment you cross the marathon finish line, you look up and you're like, I need to run five more miles. I need to run 10 more miles. Having high expectations is amazing. especially when they're in service to something, not when they're equally a drug. Like I need this to look like this.
Like I need the laundry to get done because I need the freaking laundry to get done. That's the one thing. That's easy peasy, dude. But when it is, I need the laundry to get done so I can quote unquote feel like I'm now worthy of being a wife and mother.
The moment that laundry gets done, it just will move to the next thing because that's a bottomless pit because you're seeking external validation for an internal hole in your chest.
Definitely.
Does that make sense? Yeah. When he does the dishes and you say, thank you for doing the dishes, it's almost like it's a transaction.
Yeah. Yeah.
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Chapter 7: How can I encourage a friend to leave an abusive relationship?
And if the laundry becomes the proxy war or the dishes become the, you just came home and sat down and I needed the dishes done, really the thing here is I miss you and we're in this thing together. And I need to feel like I got a partner in this thing. Otherwise, three days, he'll go do the dishes when he sees them. Great.
I checked off that thing off the box and that's not really what you're aiming at. What you're aiming at is I need to ride or die again.
Yeah.
Is that fair?
That's very fair.
And sometimes the laundry can just be about the laundry. Get up and do the laundry. Like, I need you to fold this. Like, okay, cool, got it. Yeah. But if the basket of clothes is proof to you that you're not enough, there's going to be no proof there. That's going to have to be you deciding, I'm going to change that story, that I am enough, that he married well, that I'm a good mom.
Do you believe those things?
Yeah, I do. I don't know if I do on a surface level or if I do deep down, but there's definitely a missing piece there.
Okay. I've seen couples be really successful when they, and you've heard me say this a million times, and I feel like I'm beating a drum here, of y'all going out and saying, hey, we have a new marriage now. The marriage we had when you were a young cop and I was a young cop's wife and we could make out whenever we wanted to.
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Chapter 8: What strategies can help in navigating complex family dynamics?
Done. This is a tough, messy middle. Y'all have a good marriage, but you want it to be different. You want it to be better. And that's awesome. And I love it and support it. But if you want it to be better so that you don't feel the way you feel inside, I want you to go sit with a counselor and say, I got an amazing husband. I got an amazing life. I got amazing kids.
And I still have this nagging sense that I'm not enough. And let's dig into that because you're worth peace. All right, when we come back, a woman asks how to get her mother-in-law to stop giving so many gifts on Christmas. This is an interesting take. Stay with me on this one. Hey, what up? How we doing?
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Not a lot. How are you?
I'm good. What's going on?
So essentially, my mother-in-law has always gone above and beyond at Christmas. And we now have three kids. And this has been an ongoing issue over the last several years. And we've tried talking to her about it. And she just gets a little hostile. But it's to the point that her budget is the same as ours. But she gets smaller things. So we'll get a... I don't know. We can usually get...
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