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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Are you mad at her or are you mad at you?
What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls, real calls from real people going through real messy situations. taking your calls on your marriages, your mental and emotional health, your dating relationships, whatever you got going on in your life.
If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes and it will send you over to Kelly, our overlord, and she will get you on the show. Let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to Michael. Hey, Michael, what's up, dude? Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing? I'm good, brother. How are you, man?
I am doing well, doing well. Thanks for taking my call. You got, you got, I didn't even finish that sentence.
You got it. What's up, dude? Yeah, of course.
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Chapter 2: How do I handle feeling inferior to my girlfriend's income?
So my question for you today is just trying to figure out how to handle income differences in relationships, specifically when dating, when that amount is a significant amount of money, especially in today's day and age. Tell me more. Yeah, so kind of just like a quick backstory. I grew up in the South, two-income household. Definitely not like, you know, bad off or well off.
Kind of just middle class, had what we needed, but didn't spend a lot, didn't go on a lot of vacations, that kind of thing. And then my now girlfriend, she was kind of the opposite. Grew up like West Coast, only a single parent. Worked. had her college paid for, which I did not, you know, that kind of thing. And then now specifically she makes a large amount more money than I do.
So just trying to navigate that in my relationship, trying to not feel necessarily resentment from my end on that. I don't want to, but I found myself kind of feeling that way here recently. So that's the reason for the call.
Yeah. This is a question I'm not supposed to ask. I'm going to use a word that they train us in counseling grad school to never use. But I'm going to use it anyway. Why? Why does it bother you? Why do you feel less than? Let me rephrase that. I'm feeling there's two things happening at once. One, somehow you think your experience was more real growing up than hers.
And at the same time, you feel less than dating somebody that makes more money than you.
Yeah, that's a good question. I've kind of, like, thought that myself as well, and I really don't know. Like, I don't want to feel like that, and I also, like, I know probably the way I said it, like, it came off, like, I think that, you know, her experience with Wes growing up, and I don't think that. Like, I just think, like, that it's now at this point, like, skewing my perception of
of, like, let's say we go out to dinner and it's, like, not a big deal for her to pay something and it is for me. Like, it's kind of skewing that vision or that perception of whatever it happens to be at that time when it comes to, like, purchasing or spending money. And I don't know why. Like, I don't want to be mad, but I just find myself, like, mad about things like that.
Are you mad at her or are you mad at you? I guess myself. I mean, I don't know. Go ahead. How much money do you make? Like $70 a year. And how much does she make? Like $120 to $140. Okay. You're making a good salary. Do you like what you do for a living? I do, yeah. Does she make you feel small? Does she look at you and be like, oh my gosh, what a loser. You only make 70K a year.
How old are you, by the way? I'm 24. Good God, dude. 24 making 70 grand. You're doing pretty dang good, brother. Like, does she make you feel that way?
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Chapter 3: What should I do if I'm feeling resentment in my relationship?
I've come to the point where I don't think you can help that initial feeling. It just comes. That feeling of feeling small, of feeling scared, of feeling anxious, like feelings happen. What matters is what you do next. And so I care way less about income differences in a relationship than are you in a place where y'all can talk about the stories you make up. People are natural storytellers.
We make up stories. That's how our bodies, that's one of the ways we have moved up the chain, right, in the animal kingdom. We create narratives around facts, around things that are happening, and we respond to those stories. And you've got so many competing stories going on inside your mind, most of which you've made up.
And about yourself, about what you're worth, about her, about her background, about what she might like one day in a relationship. Like you're just making up story after story and your body's constantly responding to these stories.
What I care way more about is do y'all have the kind of relationship where you can say, hey, I'm making up this story that you like me, but you don't think I'm going to be a good provider for our family. And she can go, no, that's stupid. Or she can go, yeah, I have dreams of staying at home one day, and I have a lived experience of this kind of lifestyle, and I want that kind of lifestyle.
Or, yeah, I grew up in Southern California on the West Coast. My dad made a jillion dollars. My mom stayed at home. But I want to do life with you. And so what is that going to look like for us? Right? Like that to me is what matters here. Yeah. And if you feel small because you don't make as much money as the woman you're dating, with all due respect, that's a you problem. That's ego.
I would love it if my wife made twice as much money as me. That would rule. But I'm also anchored in her and I are ride or die, right? I mean, it all goes into the same account.
Yeah.
And if she's with you and says, Hey, let's go to this restaurant. And you say, I want to pay and here's what I can afford. Let's go to this one. And she's like, Ooh, gross. I don't want to, then she might not be the girl for you.
Okay.
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Chapter 4: How can I navigate conversations about spending in a relationship?
If she's good at sales, chances are she's always going to make more than you. And that's just kind of the way it is. And there's going to be seasons, like sales is like farming. There's seasons when the crop comes in real good. And there's also seasons when it doesn't rain, right? So that's kind of a rollercoaster ride. But a good salesperson, man, is going to always do well.
That's awesome for y'all. But y'all sitting down and deciding, like you telling her, hey, I've got this vision for my life right now. It's going to be 24 months. And I'm not going to owe anybody anything. And I'm grinding it out. then man, if she's somebody you're gonna spend the rest of your life with, she's gonna see that value, that goal, and be like, dude, awesome.
I'm paying for dinner for the next few months. And if you don't have an ego, you can say, cool, that's awesome. Or if you want to have an ego about it and be like, well, actually, no. You get what I'm saying? It's just setting your ego aside and asking yourself, what do I value here?
If y'all's values are aligned, dude, how you operate in the world, it's going to be a constant negotiation for the rest of your time together. How long have y'all been dating? About a year and a half. Okay. So y'all are in this for a minute. Yeah. Do you like this woman? I do. A lot. Okay. Are you ashamed of how you grew up? Are you embarrassed by it?
No. No, I don't think so. I just... I don't know. I always, like, had this, I guess, vision for my life. Like, I want to, you know, get married, have kids, and then, you know, live the same kind of life I had, which is more frugal. And then now... I'm coming in and like meeting people and things like that, that they grew up a lot differently. And I'm not saying one is bad.
It's just like, I feel like very hard for me to like accept that or see how people are doing that or affording that. Right. So it kind of makes me a little more sheltered. Like I just want to stay at home and not spend money and Does that kind of make sense? I don't know.
It does. I want you to be careful about, I want you to focus on curiosity over judgment. Okay. And when you see people spending money and having a good time, you instantly make up a story. We all do. They're reckless. They don't know what they're doing. I can't believe they would spend money on X, Y, or Z. Right. And frugality is somehow superior. It's better. It's safer.
Like whatever words you want to make up. Yeah. And I want you to be curious about that story that your body instantly defaults to. Almost all of us, especially in your twenties, the stories that are circulating in your head are stories you grew up with. Yeah. We can't afford that. Those kinds of people buy that kind of stuff. Can't believe someone would ever buy that car.
I can't believe anyone would eat at that restaurant. The stories our parents throw out become the stories we tell ourselves about other people. And I want you to be curious about the stories you're making up. Because if you want to save money because you don't want to be owned by a bank, that's noble. That's wise.
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Chapter 5: What are the emotional impacts of income differences in relationships?
Not for me, but for you. Write down four or five of the stories you've made up about her. Just be about her, her money, how she spends it. Write down three or four of the stories you've made up about why you, and this is going to take some humility, why you feel like you're superior. I would never, or I don't do that, or I just want to not spend money. Ask yourself why.
What am I scared of happening? Or what is my financial reality that I can't spend money, man, because I owe a whole bunch of money. I took a bunch of loans out for college and for a car and I need to get that stuff paid off. Be honest about those stories and then sit down and tell her, hey, do I have made up some stories about me, about you? And these stories make me feel all kinds of ways.
I want to have a conversation about these stories. And by the way, what stories have you made up about you and about me? And have that conversation because then the conversation is about the stories. It's not about your accusations. And that's a much easier way to have a conversation with somebody you care about. It makes it feel much less personal.
And it's an invitation to a discussion, not a declaration of war. So, dude, you're on the right path, man. But check your ego at the door and get real curious about the stories you're making up. And if you get to the bottom of all those stories and it's just, man, I'm dating a girl and she makes a bunch, she makes double my income and I feel insecure. Man, you need a big old cup of get over it.
Like be happy that she's doing well. Be her number one cheerleader in her sales job. And if you feel like, hey, I want to make some more money, then you do the hard work of exploring what that would look like in your life. If you like the job you have and you like the career path you're on and you're making 70 grand as a 24-year-old, you're winning. And not in the Charlie Sheen kind of winning.
Like you're actually winning. You're doing it, man. And find some gratitude with yourself. Thanks for the call, my brother. When we come back, a woman asks how to trust her husband's vasectomy and stop her anxiety from ruining their sex life. This is gonna be awesome. All right, so Cozy Earth and I started with their towels. And then I got some Cozy Earth sheets.
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