Chapter 1: How can I manage feelings of attraction in a new marriage?
I've been married a little over a year, and I am finding myself attracted to someone who goes to the gym that I'm at. I'm really scared. What if I do something stupid? What if I respond to it?
What makes you so untrusting of yourself? Have you done this before? Have you cheated before? Hey, this is John with The Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. talking about your relationships and your mental, emotional health, everything you got going on in your life. I'm glad that you're here.
For two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people when the wheels have fallen off their life. And pull up a seat, and we'll figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And it'll go to Kelly 1.0.
Chapter 2: What challenges do military spouses face with parenting?
She'll convert it to hieroglyphics, which is her original language that she used thousands of years ago. And she'll get back to you. And thank God for AI, because then it will translate it back to your native language. All right, let's go out to Seattle, Washington, home of Pearl Jam, and talk to Krista. What's up, Krista?
Hey, thanks so much. Nice to talk with you.
It's nice to talk with you.
So I am struggling. I've been married a little over a year. And I am finding myself attracted to someone who goes to the gym that I'm at. I just didn't think it would be like that being newly married and I have a new baby and just trying to figure out how do I deal with this? How do I, um, how do I change that? How do I not be that person? I'm scared of cheating.
Chapter 3: How does postpartum identity shift affect relationships?
Okay. So there's a big, there's a lot of leaps in here. Yeah. Um, so, um, geez, let me back all the way out. Tell me about your marriage right now.
Um, Yeah. I mean, it's, it's generally, it's really good. We're adjusting to having, um, you know, another, another little person in our lives. Um, it's, it's generally like textbook great. It's just, I'm just struggling with, uh, figuring out, you know, what, what marriage really looks like as, as we move forward.
Tell me about that.
Um, So I was used to traveling a lot and being kind of a jet setter. The baby was a surprise.
Chapter 4: What are the signs of burnout in new parents?
Is the baby why y'all got married?
No, no. He's a honeymoon baby. He's super cute.
Hey-o.
Yeah, I'm surprised. Which, you know, I'm so grateful for that. Okay, let me stop you there.
Can I tell you, you can be super grateful and be holding a baby that's the, like, this suddenly is the reason you're alive, right? All that stuff. And also, you can grieve the fact that it wasn't in your plans for it to come like this.
Yeah.
It doesn't make you a bad mom for you to go, good God, I wish this had happened four years from now.
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: How can couples improve communication after a deployment?
And it doesn't make you a bad wife and him a bad husband if y'all are both scrambling now, because this is not the picture y'all drew up.
Yeah, I mean, I didn't think I would feel this way having a baby either. Okay, listen to me.
Listen, there's no bad feelings. Okay?
Okay.
There's no bad feelings. You're allowed to be frustrated. You're allowed to be annoyed. They pop into your mind. And I think most of our pathology these days is because when the thoughts hit you, We are so uncomfortable with them. We want to blame somebody else for them or we want to beat ourselves up for them. And then we feel dead in our own skin because we have to numb ourselves out.
And then somebody walks by us in the gym and they say, hey, I think you're beautiful.
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Chapter 6: What role does vulnerability play in a marriage?
And all of a sudden we're like, oh, that makes me feel alive again.
Yeah. Yeah. You get what I'm saying?
Yeah.
I don't feel like myself most of the time.
And I, yeah, I, you don't feel like the, the, the version 3.0 of yourself. And now you're at version 5.0.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I am. I just don't, I don't know. Like, I feel like my identity is just completely flipped and I don't, I don't know how to deal with that, I guess. And yeah, as, as, having these feelings really scares me because I, I do love my baby and I love my husband and I want that to work.
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Chapter 7: How can I address feelings of shame around weight loss medications?
I'm just so terrified. Like what if I, what if I do something stupid? What if I respond to it? Um, generally I just like keep my distance from that person, but I'm really scared.
Have you cheated before?
No.
So what makes you so untrusting of yourself?
Um, in the past I had really poor taste in men, I would say. Okay. And so I don't trust that I won't fall for something that's stupid. I guess I don't trust that I'm going to always make the wisest of choices.
Okay. So let me clear the deck on a couple of things. Number one, there would be something wrong with you, all of you, if you suddenly stopped finding attractive people attractive.
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Chapter 8: What strategies can help in building new friendships as adults?
Okay? Okay. There would also be something innately wrong if there weren't lightning bolts of electric desire. Okay? That just means you're human.
Okay.
What you can control is whether you choose to meditate on that and fantasize about that and let it consume part of you. The whole room should be lifted up when a beautiful woman walks in the room. Period. End of story. There should be a spirit that lifts in the room. Right? There should be a spirit that lifts in a room when a fireman walks in. Right? Or like a good-looking guy in the gym.
Everyone should go, ah, right?
Yeah.
And then the switch flips is, I wonder if... or I'm gonna turn on the flirt a little bit, or I'm gonna receive his flirt a little bit. And man, my husband doesn't, and that'd be so cool if, and that reminds me of when. And that's when we get ourselves in trouble. And so if you honestly think in your guts,
And what I can't parse here in 15 minutes is, are you wrestling with, I'm a new version of myself and my husband and I have found ourselves, you've heard me say this, like six inches apart on the couch, but 6,000 miles away from each other. Then what we need to do is go out for a half day and completely wipe the deck and say, hey, we got a brand new relationship. We have a brand new partnership.
We have a brand new marriage because now we've never been together. We've never been romantically involved and had a human to take care of.
Yeah.
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