Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway.
My husband and I have been married for 27 years. I was a very compliant wife. I've had lots of children. I've done all the right things. I wasn't the standard of beauty, I guess you could say. And so he would say things to me like, well, you're cute. And I would be like, but I want to be beautiful. Well, you're not beautiful.
You're cute. Good God. Okay, let me tell you straight up. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show Network. Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking calls from all over the world. I'm a real person talking to real people who are going through real challenges.
people who are struggling to fix their marriages, to heal their past, to deal with kid challenges, mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. For over two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, fill out the form, and we will get you on.
Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas, home of the greatest food in America, and talk to Amanda. What's up, Amanda?
Morning. How are you, John?
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Chapter 2: How can I overcome resentment toward my husband?
I'm outstanding. How are you?
I'm great. I'm super excited to be speaking with you today.
I'm really grateful that you called. What's going on?
So my husband and I have been married for 27 years. We both were in the same high demand religion, and we have both eventually left it. I left it about 12 years ago. He's kind of gone back and forth, but he's completely out now. But I just have, I'm realizing I have lots of resentment around how he treated me while we were in the religion and then since.
And now I'm older and I'm realizing he also has all his own trauma around that. But I don't quite know how to forgive where we've been and move forward past how I'm feeling right now.
So give me some examples of some things that you are still resenting.
Okay. So when we were in the religion, I was very, I don't know how to describe it. I don't want to say good girl because I don't think I'm a bad girl, but I was very good at following all the rules.
How about a compliant girl?
Compliant. Very good. That's a perfect word to describe.
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Chapter 3: What steps can I take to move forward after my husband's confession?
That sense of empowerment you feel, it almost always leads to this contempt. Like I'm above this now. I figured out something and all of y'all hurt me and y'all were painful. And some of that's true, but here's the challenge. Most people don't do what I think is the next hardest step, which is forgive themselves.
Wow. I never thought to do that.
Well, often that discomfort we're still carrying around about what they did to me, what they did to me also is in a twisted way, I allowed this to happen. I signed up for this. I participated in this for 5, 10, 20, 30 years. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. And that comes with forgiveness and grace for the woman you see in the mirror.
And none of that, none of it excuses where you and your husband are right now.
Yeah.
So tell me about the things he says, because what I hear is, and listen, I can be super wrong what I'm hearing, so I want you to help correct me. Okay. What I'm hearing is you just want this guy that you've built a life with, you want him to want you. Yeah. Tell me about that.
No, that's absolutely it. That's absolutely it. I mean, about four years ago, I found out I had breast cancer. And he was so hands-off with me. It was almost surprising to me how hands-off. I mean, there would be nights I would cry myself to sleep in my closet because he would be so frustrated with me by how I was handling it. Tell me about that. Tell me about that.
He would tell me that I was being too negative or it's not that big of a deal or people have it worse. And so I would lay in bed and cry because I wasn't trying to be negative, but I also had to feel what I was feeling at the time. And so I would lay in bed and cry at night because I felt like I always had to keep it together because unfortunately for me, I'm a people pleaser to the end. But
So I would feel like I had to keep it together for everybody at work all day and my kids and yada, yada, yada. And then I would just want to be able to just cry in bed at night if I needed to. And he would tell me, you're going to die if you're this negative. You can't keep doing this. You're just being so negative.
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Chapter 4: How do I deal with feelings of inadequacy in my marriage?
And not only is that the job, that's the greatest gift on the planet. Yeah. And so hear me say, your pain is real.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I've seen some people be successful, both men and women, by sitting down and saying, we need to have a hard conversation, and I'm going to ask you to act like an adult here. Okay. What does that mean? I'm going to say some heavy things, and I'm going to ask you to not retreat. I'm going to ask you to stand firm, and I'm going to ask you to finally listen to me. Okay. Okay.
And I'm going to challenge you as best as possible to use I statements instead of you statements.
Okay. Yeah, I definitely need to work on that.
Okay. And somebody who feels perpetually attacked in their home with you, you, you, you perpetually feels like a victim.
Yeah.
Versus I had breast cancer and you blamed me for crying too loud. I went through this many years of being told that my voice didn't matter. And I just want you to look at me and say, I'm glad that you're my wife.
sorry I'm a cry baby no you're not a cry baby you're somebody who's got your emotions rightfully so because for a big chunk of your life they told you God didn't like your emotions and then the person that you were hitched to yeah said, they make me uncomfortable, so keep them bottled up. They will bubble over.
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Chapter 5: What are the impacts of past trauma on my current relationship?
I appreciate it.
Yep.
And if y'all want to call me together, y'all can do that also, okay?
All right. I appreciate it.
All right, blessings to you. I appreciate the call so, so, so much. When we come back, a woman asks how to rebuild trust after her husband used her sister's photos for sexual gratification. I've been telling you about Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas forever, right? They are the best.
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Chapter 6: How can I communicate my feelings to my husband effectively?
Yeah.
So I'll reverse engineer this question and answer your last question first. I think what's important is to not blame your sisters for this.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I also struggle with, should I tell them?
No, I wouldn't. Okay, okay. Yeah, there's, I mean, there's... Radical transparency and radical honesty, I mean, it can get to... Um, it's, it can be unhelpful, right? Yeah. And so I, I want to make sure first you don't blame them. Yeah. Okay. They didn't do anything wrong. When you first said the question, I thought you were, they were sending him photos or something behind your back.
This is different. He just pulls stuff off of social media accounts. The second thing is you beginning to, in a weird way, it sounds like you are invested in this marriage. You're watching this guy try to work hard and change and do some pretty deep healing. I'm going to tell you all the way back to 11 years old, playing defense is step one.
But getting to this idea, you talked about he is constantly wanting more, different, something other than, that's a clear sign that he doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin.
Yeah.
And so that is, he needs to go sit with a therapist and do that hard work, similar to the hard work you have done. Yeah. Because this isn't going to be solved with defense because a good offense eventually finds a way through a good defense.
Yes, absolutely.
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Chapter 7: What role does forgiveness play in healing a marriage?
And so I fear that it might come to light. But I also not giving him that he doesn't deserve for it to come to light if it hurts me that bad. But also I want to, like, prioritize our marriage.
Sure.
And I know that some things won't be helpful to one of the sisters that's also struggling with like her own mental health stuff right now.
Tell me about, well, hold on. You are taking a lot of responsibility about how everyone else is going to feel.
Yeah.
And if you try to rebuild a path to trust, making sure everybody else is okay, you're not going to come with a clean path. You're going to put a bunch of actions down and people are going to follow those actions and you're never going to feel like you're in a place where you can trust again because you outsourced the outcomes of some of those actions.
And so it would be helpful if, I say with no regard, that sounds harsh, but it's a good exercise. Just sit down with a yellow pad and a pen and say, in a perfect world, here's what you would need to do for me to trust you again.
Okay.
And write that down. And then some of those things might be nutso, right?
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Chapter 8: How do I rebuild trust after betrayal in a relationship?
Maybe then we have, you can feel like I'm not sharing so much a bloody secret, but I am being able to be open and transparent with my sisters again.
sorry you're going through this and um thanks for your honesty this is a heavy one but i will say this the fact that he's willing to do the work that you're willing to do the work that y'all both believe in redemption and you both believe at we're clearing the deck and we're moving forward um it gives me high high hopes high hopes
for your long-term outcome, for the long-term outcome and survival of your marriage. Not only survival, but it's going to be a good marriage. So thank you for sharing it with me. Thanks for sharing your hurt with me. When we come back, a woman asks how to rebuild her marriage after her repeated emotional infidelity. This is amazing.
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All right, let's go to Austin, Texas and talk to Emily. What's up, Emily?
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