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The Hauraki Big Show

BEST BITS: Keyzie Gets Cancelled

21 May 2026

Transcription

Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?

1.465 - 3.809 Unknown

The Hauraki Big Show with Toledo's.

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4.13 - 10.501 Jason Hoyte

All the good stuff, no nasties. Try it today. Hey fellas, I've got some breaking news. That all G?

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11.482 - 14.989 Keezy

Sure, man. This is Breaking News.

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17.894 - 18.715 Jason Hoyte

Fellas.

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Chapter 2: What breaking news do the hosts discuss?

19.454 - 36.619 Jason Hoyte

Someone's gotten in trouble for importing the old cocaine. Can I just ask a question here, Kesey? I've barely read the article, but yeah. Just how breaking is this news? It's two days ago. Oh, yeah? Oh, okay, cool. That's not bad for us. Yeah, that's pretty good for us.

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36.599 - 48.155 Jason Hoyte

21-year-old New Zealand man appearing in Sydney court charged with importing 20 kgs of cocaine into Australia through Sydney, all of it concealed in his luggage, but not really concealed, just in there with his clothes.

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48.395 - 49.396 Mike Minogue

Yeah, worth a shot.

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Chapter 3: How does the cocaine smuggling case unfold?

49.416 - 58.168 Jason Hoyte

So 20 kgs, 22 vacuum-sealed packages. He has a maximum sentence that he could be facing, life in prison.

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58.452 - 60.356 Mike Minogue

I could be facing life in prison.

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60.376 - 62.761 Jason Hoyte

That's right. That's huge.

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62.781 - 68.272 Keezy

That's a while. But is it life, like 25 years, get out in 10? Or is it life, life?

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69.154 - 71.9 Jason Hoyte

I mean, I always thought life in prison was you're there till you die.

71.96 - 73.583 Keezy

Yeah, it's not though.

73.603 - 77.07 Mike Minogue

But a life sentence could be eight years for this or 10 years for that.

77.571 - 85.827 Keezy

So he's obviously gone into this thinking... Look, I'm not going to overthink this. I'm just going to see if I can get through.

85.867 - 91.033 Jason Hoyte

I'm just going to put 20 kgs of cocaine in my bag and catch a flight.

Chapter 4: What are the legal implications of drug smuggling?

130.808 - 142.242 Mike Minogue

Yeah, you'd know that, Keezy, wouldn't you? Did they give you a street value, brother? I'd be amazed if there's no street value in that article. Mogi, $6.3 million. Is that all? And how many packages did you say?

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142.262 - 148.77 Keezy

22 vacuum sealed. So I reckon one of those packages, you'd suck up that snozz and quit smart time, Keezy.

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151.383 - 171.167 Jason Hoyte

Hey. Good stuff, Jase. We were discussing it off air. Yeah. The key to actually getting through the border was something illicit on your person. Yeah. So if you had one of those vacuum packs. I know where you'd put it. Huh? I know where you'd put it. Where, man? Come on, man. Here's the alleyway. Jase already said up your honker. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd only fit the one, though.

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171.187 - 182.525 Jason Hoyte

You could fit about 10. But the way you'd have to behave, you guys reckon, because you guys did some drug mulling back in the day, you guys reckon that you just have to be loud and confident.

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182.585 - 187.129 Mike Minogue

Yeah. Yes. And you're always pretty confident with a couple of grams of old Charlie up your honk.

187.189 - 190.713 Jason Hoyte

Yeah. Or your noose. And Charlie in your backside. You've done that.

190.733 - 199.362 Keezy

Because here's the thing, Keezy. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Is that... He's a mad bastard. You know, they're looking for people that are trying to go under the radar. Right.

Chapter 5: How does the conversation shift to personal experiences with travel?

199.342 - 202.892 Keezy

So they're just sort of just not making any... Looking for very nervous people.

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202.912 - 205.118 Mike Minogue

Nervous, sweaty, all that sort of stuff. Shifty, shifty-eyed.

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205.138 - 214.684 Keezy

So if you go in there and you're a bit chatty, you're a bit sort of... G'day, mate. Yeah, g'day, and all that sort of stuff, they go, I mean, they're obviously not smuggling drugs because they're getting a lot of attention.

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214.664 - 224.118 Jason Hoyte

What if you acted like you were so hungover? In fact, the night before, you just had a massive session, so that you're literally going through there, they're chatting, and you're just like, oh my God, I'm so hungover, I just need to get through this.

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224.138 - 229.506 Mike Minogue

Well, that's not good either, because they might think that one of the condoms has burst open in your bowel.

230.347 - 230.507 Jason Hoyte

True.

230.527 - 239.661 Mike Minogue

Because that's another way that you smuggle it, Keezy. You fill up some rubber joeys with cocaine there, and then you swallow them. You've got to suck them down. Oh, into your stomach.

Chapter 6: What humorous anecdotes do the hosts share about airport security?

239.741 - 246.741 Mike Minogue

Into your stomach there, yeah. Yeah. I always reckon double bagging. I recommend double bagging because you don't want them bursting in there.

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246.761 - 260.296 Keezy

Yeah, well, funnily enough, back in the day, because I've got a really high gag reflex. So you've got a very sensitive one? Yeah, like anything coming down my throat like that. So I'd have to go the other end, obviously.

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261.177 - 265.743 Mike Minogue

Some things you respond well to. You've got no gag flex whatsoever. No, you just shove them in there.

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266.764 - 273.372 Keezy

I think I've got about 42 kg at one point. Of what? Cocaine.

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273.392 - 276.656 Jason Hoyte

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Sweet, just checking.

276.676 - 280.581 Mike Minogue

Just because... I reckon you'd crack under pressure though, Keezy.

281.162 - 285.467 Jason Hoyte

Yeah, I reckon you'd freak out, man. Fellas, come on now.

285.487 - 285.847 Mike Minogue

You would.

286.127 - 288.01 Jason Hoyte

Why don't we do it as an improv then? I'll show you.

Chapter 7: What are the hosts' thoughts on future travel plans?

630.833 - 642.888 Keezy

God, I've got to admit, actually, mind you, I don't know how you guys feel about it. Back in the day, if I was having a curry, I'd go beersies. Yes. You know what I mean? I was surprised by the wines. Everyone was on the wines. Yes, they were. But I tell you what, it was very nice.

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643.429 - 643.749 Unknown

Delicious.

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643.769 - 656.321 Keezy

In fact, at the end of it, I went, is that enough? I was just on the edge of going... I could eat more. But actually, it was probably a perfect amount.

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656.341 - 663.129 Jason Hoyte

Once I got home, I was like, no, I am full. I'm happy. And, you know, with curries, you can just keep going. I'll just dip another nut in it. I'll have some more sauce.

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663.169 - 666.572 Keezy

Yeah, but you said that you smashed a re-burger on the way home as well.

666.713 - 669.256 Jason Hoyte

Did I? Did I say that? When did I say that?

669.276 - 670.557 Keezy

That's why you were totally full.

670.577 - 671.598 Jason Hoyte

Yeah, that's right.

671.618 - 674.181 Keezy

But, you know, we should. We should do that more often with our partners.

Chapter 8: How do the hosts discuss their curry night experience?

1024.511 - 1046.27 Keezy

your burials. What I would like, and I've expressed this to my wife, is to be put on a floating pyre and pushed out to sea. Out to Valhalla. Out to Valhalla, and what I also want is a nice little touch at the end of it there for my wife to shoot the burning arrow to ignite the pyre as I float off into the distance.

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1046.29 - 1054.367 Jason Hoyte

Is it a traditional Valhalla-esque, you know, do you want a traditional one? Because in the tradition, your wife would go with you even though she's still alive.

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1054.347 - 1067.621 Keezy

No, well, in that case, no. But this is what I want in terms of, you know, how I want my body to be, you know, taken care of. And what kind of boat? Like a speedboat? No, like, you know, just a sort of thing full of twigs and things like that with a little casket.

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1068.342 - 1068.402 Mike Minogue

Oh.

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1068.562 - 1081.321 Keezy

Doused in petrol. She has the little arrow. Boom. Yeah. Because I don't want to be, you know, with cremation, they go, where do you want to be put? You know, and it's like, actually, I find that a bit claustrophobic.

1081.541 - 1081.782 Mike Minogue

What?

1081.962 - 1085.106 Keezy

The idea that my ashes will be in one little spot for all eternity.

1085.126 - 1099.323 Mike Minogue

Well, they won't be spread out on the ocean, I would have thought. Well, it depends. They wouldn't be kept in the urn. No, but it might be in a paddock or something like that. Well, that would be claustrophobic for you, a paddock. Yes, it would be. Back paddock. You know, you're a needy bastard even when you're dead.

1099.564 - 1113.363 Keezy

Yeah, well... God, these are the clingiest ashes, man. I just think that it adds a bit of romanticism. Oh, it does. It adds a bit of drama. Can you imagine old Hoity J being pushed out in Piha there in the surf?

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