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The Hauraki Big Show

OUTRO: The Skit

04 May 2026

Transcription

Chapter 1: What are the hosts excited about in this episode?

0.537 - 1.293 Mike Minogue

You guys ready to go?

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1.539 - 2.397 Keyzie

Yeah, man.

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3.203 - 17.423 Mike Minogue

For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show Podcast. Get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok. Or Raw Dog It. Four to seven every weekday on Radio Hodake.

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17.703 - 20.427 Unknown

Oh, g'day, fellas. Backbone.

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20.447 - 34.601 Keyzie

Backbone. Hello. Hello. How's everyone going? Good. Hello. Everyone great? Great, thanks, man. I'm fucking excellent, man. Yeah, man. You're fucking excellent. Why are you excellent? Because I've got this Friday off. Oh, that's right. You're going away. Golf tournament.

34.841 - 41.038 Unknown

Yes. Oh, really? Yeah, can't wait. It's going to be exciting. And then next week, I've got Friday off again because we've got a magic round. Sure are, man.

Chapter 2: What golf-related plans do the hosts discuss?

41.058 - 41.82 Unknown

Fucking hell good, man.

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42.241 - 53.341 Keyzie

I'm very excited about it, actually. I can't wait. I actually am. About what? Going to Brizzy. Oh, I thought you were saying keys are going away for a golfing weekend. Oh, I mean, I'm pretty excited about that as well. I don't know why you'd be excited.

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53.862 - 55.364 Unknown

It's just that Pugsan will be coming in.

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55.704 - 65.615 Keyzie

You know, I don't want to get onto the whole golf chat now that he's playing a tournament. Three straight games. In actual fact, my wife said to me today, what's happened with your golf?

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65.896 - 69.58 Unknown

And did you say, oh, I've still got a membership and can easily go out and play whenever I want.

69.6 - 71.702 Keyzie

Yeah, but it's not the same when you're by yourself, mate.

71.682 - 88.729 Unknown

You don't have to be by yourself. You know a lot of people that play golf. There's Jeremy Corbett, there's Minaya, there's a whole bunch of different people, but you make no effort, do you? Well, Corby, as he says, gets bored after like six holes. But you haven't played with him for over 20 years, if you have at all. Not worth a shot.

88.77 - 98.753 Keyzie

I don't know that I ever have, actually. And he's not really... Minaya, he... It would just be weird. Just you and Mania there. Yeah. Yeah, true.

98.793 - 102.782 Unknown

Because we have quite a sort of... Combative racist relationship.

Chapter 3: How do the hosts feel about their golf skills?

106.55 - 114.447 Keyzie

He takes offence at some of the things I say. Right. The racist stuff mainly? Oh, mostly the racist stuff, but, you know...

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114.427 - 122.335 Unknown

Yeah, it is interesting because he doesn't go and play golf either. No. It's like everyone just waits for me to text and be like, hey, do you want to go play golf?

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122.355 - 134.508 Keyzie

Well, that's actually... Yeah, it's a bit sad, isn't it? That's actually not true. Oh. Because I'll text you and you'll go, Jase, can you not pressure me about golf? That's true. There is that. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'm not pressuring you, man.

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134.548 - 144.902 Unknown

I'm just asking. Well, to be honest, I'm free to play golf this Thursday. But I then have three games of golf Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so I'm not keen.

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144.922 - 148.346 Keyzie

You need some practice though, don't you? Yeah, you want to get your shit game out of the way, Keezy.

148.366 - 154.133 Unknown

No, you don't. You do not want to do that. I'll be golfed out. Right. All golfed out, Mogi. Have you heard that saying?

154.914 - 159.84 Keyzie

Nah. I don't really move in the right circles. Would you come and play with me, Mogi? No.

Chapter 4: What humorous anecdotes do the hosts share about golf?

159.82 - 163.806 Unknown

You could take the laptop around and do a little work. In fact, I would. I would actually, Jase.

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163.826 - 177.046 Keyzie

I would. Yeah, okay. I would. I'll book you in. Yeah, good. Yeah, I would. I've got to start doing that. So let's do that. Okay, good. Yeah, good. There you go, Keezy. I've got another date now. I don't need you, man. Sweet.

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177.086 - 179.77 Unknown

I can't wait to see what you guys get up to.

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179.902 - 181.925 Keyzie

KZ's hating this. No, I'm not.

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181.945 - 185.03 Unknown

I just don't think it'll happen.

185.29 - 193.722 Keyzie

It's probably fair. How's Thursday for you, mate? Thursday's really good, Mogi. Great, let's do it. Jase goes, I'll lock you in. I was like, what does that mean?

194.143 - 196.026 Unknown

That doesn't sound right.

196.046 - 197.969 Keyzie

I'll book a tea time. All right, let's do it.

Chapter 5: How do the hosts balance work and family life?

198.209 - 207.563 Keyzie

Like 6.30 in the morning or something like that. You know, we get a good start to the day. Fuck that. I'll blaze the normal 91. I'll have my daughter at that time, though. Oh, right, okay.

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208.032 - 225.231 Unknown

My wife's starting a new job. Yes, today. Today. Is that a good thing? It's a great thing. Yeah. It's a really good thing. Yes. It's good to live on two incomes. Tell me about it. Compared to one income. Especially when she makes more money than me. Yeah. You know?

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226.055 - 230.542 Keyzie

You know what I mean, fellas? Yes, I do know what you mean. We're about to be a one-income family.

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230.562 - 235.069 Unknown

Oh, yeah, you are. You're in deep shit. Yeah. You're up shit creek.

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235.23 - 239.897 Keyzie

Without a paddle. But having said that. You'd be just using your honk at a paddle.

Chapter 6: What issues do the hosts face with their children's eating habits?

239.977 - 248.791 Keyzie

I've made some good investments. And I've got my dog squad money. When does that run out, by the way? Well, it just doesn't ever seem too, Keezy. That's the thing.

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248.811 - 255.268 Unknown

You must be about judo. Get another season or some kind of acting work because you've been in the doldrums.

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255.389 - 262.58 Keyzie

No, it's all over the old dog squad. Nice to the front, fellas. Come on. She's got a limp on.

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262.601 - 279.546 Unknown

Old limpy McGee. What, is something wrong with her? She's not allowed to have a limp, Keezy? You can't ogle someone that's got a limp, Keezy? First of all, I'm not ogling anyone. She was walking, and I was like, oh, yeah. And then I was like, oh, wow, she's limping. Yeah. Anyway, what were you saying? I've always got a, what do you call that, Keezy, there? A sketch I always wanted to do.

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279.566 - 291.265 Unknown

A sketch I always wanted to do for a TV show, but now you couldn't do it. A drawing. Right, okay, of someone with a funny walk. Well, yeah. Like a ministry for funny walks. It was back in the day when these things would have been acceptable. Right. Yes.

Chapter 7: What are the hosts' thoughts on online shopping and spending?

291.686 - 311.006 Unknown

And now you wouldn't be able to do it. Well... I can't quite remember it, but it would be there's a woman and she's carrying a really heavy suitcase and she's really struggling with it. But she's an absolute stunner, like the one that you just can't take your eyes off of. You're not even listening to me, Jase. Look at him. There's nothing going on behind those eyes. What's that, man?

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311.206 - 331.811 Unknown

Anyway, she's sort of struggling along the street. It's like she's got a suitcase full of bricks and she walks it all the way up to the old light set across the road. She's really struggling with the bastard there. And she puts it down, and this guy sees it. He's like, holy heck, I might ask her if she wants me to give her a hand. And there's no talking in it.

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331.831 - 351.505 Unknown

So he goes over, and he's like, you know. And she's like, oh, you know, that'd be great. And then the light turns green to walk, and he picks up the suitcase. And the moment he picks it up, he realises there's actually nothing in it. And then she walks off. And she's got a limp. Horrible limp. Now, 20 years ago, that'd be fine. But Pugs doesn't like it.

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352.829 - 360.529 Jason Hoyte

The Horaki Big Show. Weekdays from 4 on Radio Horaki. The Horaki Big Show podcast.

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360.609 - 375.95 Keyzie

Weirdly enough, Mogi. I've suddenly been inundated with comedy skits on Instagram that back in the day were fine but wouldn't fly today. But because of your algorithm, you found them. What?

Chapter 8: What comedic sketch ideas do the hosts brainstorm?

375.97 - 388.95 Keyzie

I don't know why I got sent them. You know, just really old school, sort of sexist, slightly racist kind of stuff. I don't know why I'm suddenly getting them. Good. Is it funny, though? Yeah, some of it's very funny. That's the thing, isn't it? Yes.

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389.31 - 406.688 Unknown

There's a funny British old Matthew Berry sketch that I thought you were going down the same line there. Oh, there's that one where they're always got a boyfriend. Yeah, so he's happy to help and then help carry the drinks. Thanks, this one's for me. And then my boyfriend's just over there. He just goes, fuck you, and throws the tray away and walks off.

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406.668 - 428.4 Unknown

So he'll only help until he finds out she's got a boyfriend. Right. It's pretty accurate. It's good stuff. You don't want to be delivering the boyfriend a trap. You don't want to be helping, man. Come on, man. I saw one of those. She had a fishbowl. Yeah, that's right. Moving in. Smashed it. He's helping her move in. Yes. It's my boyfriend's fish. Smash. Boom. It's good shit, fellas.

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429.181 - 431.724 Unknown

Anyway, that's my one sketch idea I've got.

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432.065 - 442.039 Keyzie

I like it. Okay, let's do it. Okay. I don't think people would be offended by that. Well, I mean, there's always going to be someone that's offended by it.

442.339 - 465.672 Unknown

How would you do it? Maybe if it was a same-sex relationship and it was two men. Maybe, yes. Yes, that might be acceptable, Keezy. Maybe. I don't think anybody would complain about it. The problem is you can't have somebody that's, what do you call them? Differently abled? No. I think you can have differently abled. Why can't you have them? That's a shocking thing to say, Kesey.

465.692 - 467.856 Unknown

Mogi, come on, man. Come on.

467.876 - 471.622 Keyzie

Jeez, Kesey. Fuck off, don't. Fucking this is out the gate. Don't start this shit.

471.642 - 475.028 Unknown

Cut this off, Pugs. Don't start this shit.

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