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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
This is a Triple J podcast.
There's no doubt the state of the world is pretty cooked right now. And unfortunately, I wish this wasn't the case, but it really does impact our sex lives.
Hello, hope you're well. Dee Salmon with you for The Hookup Podcast, where we talk all things love, sex, dating and relationships. And if you're new, make sure you're following us on our Instagram at Triple J The Hookup, because this is where we get all of your DMs.
Chapter 2: How does emotional state impact sexual pleasure?
And every Thursday, we like to cover a topic and delve a little bit deeper. than Pip and I do on a Tuesday. And recently we've been getting a few messages around people who are struggling with pleasure, whether it's through burnout, whether it's through grief or stress or, you know, just feeling really down about the state of the world.
I don't know about you, but every time I open my socials in my feed, there's always something insanely depressing and I feel like I'm bombarded with it every single day. And it does happen.
I don't it just it does impact your sex life like it makes me feel just a bit like about everything and it's hard to kind of tap into your pleasure right and so I thought this would be a great opportunity to do a whole episode about that if you are going through something at the moment or if you're really struggling and you and it's really killing your motivation to find pleasure it doesn't necessarily have to be with sex but or maybe it's impacting yeah your sex life with your partner and
In this ep, we're going to chat to sexologist Claire Diaz and find out how to reconnect to your desire and your pleasure and your libido during hard times. Claire, thank you so much for coming on The Hookup. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. This is your first time. It is. How are you feeling? Excited. How long have you been a sexologist for?
I started studying several years ago. I've been practicing for just over two years now. I'm a new sexologist on the scene.
And we love that. We love that. We don't gatekeep. We love having new people on the show. And so we're going to be chatting today about, you know, reconnecting to pleasure and If anyone has been experiencing burnout or stress or grief, we know that this is something that can impact your sex life and even your desire to want to have sex.
And I think the past couple of years, it's fair to say that the world's been pretty cooked. Fair to say, yes. Those have been pretty cooked, you know, whether it's cost of living or what's happening politically or just like burnout, like there's a lot going on, right?
And I think for young people as well, there's a lot of stress about the future and, you know, stability and financial stability and climate change. And this can impact your sex life. So that's what we're going to chat about. So what have you learnt the past couple of years around that?
Yeah there's no doubt the state of the world is pretty cooked right now and unfortunately I wish this wasn't the case but it really does impact our sex lives and I think a really easeful way to look at this is pleasure is incredibly and closely connected to the nervous system.
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Chapter 3: What are the effects of stress and burnout on libido?
Okay, well, let's talk practical. What should someone do if they are feeling disconnected from pleasure right now? Where do they even start?
I think my first tip would be to give yourself some self-compassion and start with that. And I say that because when you are desiring to have more connection to your pleasure, but you can't because there's a block, it's really easy for this very self-critical voice to come on and it might sound like judging or shaming or guilting. And that isn't going to help you.
It's not going to get you anywhere. And it's probably going to add more stress and pressure onto your plate. And, you know, if you're struggling with the self-compassion piece, I think it's important to maybe understand, first of all, why that's happening to you.
You know, going to the root cause and understanding that my body is trying to protect me from something that it thinks there's a perceived threat from this.
state of the world from grief whatever it is and starting there but yeah as I mentioned before this this whole concept is very closely linked to the nervous system and so I think it's really important to also begin with addressing your nervous system dysregulation and whether that might be down regulation for you whether it's you know meditation yoga breath work slowing down
Or some people actually need to be a bit more activated if they're in deep shutdown, for example, when you're in grief. And that might look like cathartic exercise or getting sweaty on a dance floor with your friends, like moving your body to move some energy. I think that when you're able to address the nervous system, you're able to connect to pleasure a lot more.
But the ultimate and main point would always be You need to start cultivating presence because pleasure is all about presence. It's literally a practice of being embodied, which means being in your body to be able to experience all of your senses and tune into the subtleties in life. And that's actually what pleasure is.
I love that so much. I've got an app that tracks like my stress and then tells me when I'm like off the charts and need to price like sending me notifications going prioritize your, you know, restorative time.
Yeah, I think that's a really important point because, you know, a lot of people are craving a change and they're wanting to connect to pleasure. And actually, it's it's a bit of like hard truth that you need to choose it and prioritize it as well. You need to actually make the time for it.
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Chapter 4: What is the connection between the nervous system and pleasure?
If you're not aware of the sensation that's happening to you, you're not aware of your pleasure. It's actually, pleasure is a practice that can be learned and built upon. And yeah, it's like once you start to actually tune into to how much is happening and you can feel in your body, that's what makes sex more pleasurable. Not just with yourself, but with someone else.
You know, you're able to be present with everything that's happening in your body, but also someone else's.
With stress, right, like this period of my life at the moment, it's really busy, but I know it'll end. With grief, we know that there's stages. You know, you'll come out of it. What's your advice with feeling overwhelmed or feeling a type of depression around the state of the world? Like how do you, you know, for some people it might be all consuming.
It's like there is no, you as an individual cannot just be like, oh, in two weeks' time climate change won't be there. Yeah, totally. Or in a month's time like I'll feel better about my finances or the cost of living or the struggle that I'm going through. What's your advice around that? Yeah, trying to navigate pleasure when you feel like there is no way to get out of that state of mind.
Totally. And I think that that's a big misconception that you're not able to experience pleasure until you're out of this phase of this emotion. Whether it's grief or whether it's overwhelmed stress from the cooked state of the world. You're still able and deserving of experiencing pleasure before you're out of it because, you know, you don't know how long it will last.
Like you said, I think it's really important to recognize that pleasure is not the opposite of stress. It's not the opposite of grief and that you're allowed to, you're very deserving of pleasure.
experiencing pleasure during that journey and you know if if it is overwhelming and you're not sure how to start think of it like you're trying to take tiny steps towards something you're not trying to change it overnight completely and experience the most pleasure you ever have that might not be possible so just do it in micro steps you know something that's achievable that you feel comfortable with and safe with um and not overdoing it all at once i love that so much
Is it often easier to reconnect with your own pleasure on your own, right? Like one of those practical steps is, you know, trying to connect with your body. Then before bringing a partner into a mix, like should you try and do that on your own and then bring a partner in?
Look, I think a partner can be incredibly helpful in your journey of connecting to pleasure, you know, especially if it comes back to that idea of the nervous system. Having someone else there can be really beneficial to co-regulate, you know, calm your nervous system. It can also be a great way to discover more pleasure in your body.
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Chapter 5: How can grief affect sexual desire and intimacy?
And, you know, if that is the intention that you are wanting to connect with this person, but this is about you, I think that's exactly how you communicate it. It can be a really vulnerable and scary step for so many of us. We're not taught how to talk about sex, but it needs to start with that. It needs to start with being vulnerable because that's how you can connect easier and
And making sure that the person knows it's not about them and that you care about them, you find them sexy or whatever it is. But this is about your journey and bringing it back to this is what I'm experiencing in my body right now. And once you kind of frame that, then you can work on what's next for you.
And that might look like ways that you can be intimate or it might be finding some middle grounds of, you know, I'm not actually feeling like I want intimacy right now. How can that be okay in this situation?
Yeah. It's like if you potentially want to just like kiss for a bit, you know what I mean?
Totally. There's so many options.
Yeah. It's like, or we could just cuddle or we could just, you know, hold hands or watch a show or there's so many different ways. Like you've been saying that you can still have that connection and experience pleasure that maybe doesn't feel as big as being like, oh my God, we're going to have an hour long. Totally. Fuck fest or whatever. Yeah.
Yeah and that's so important as well because I think sex just often gets put in this pigeonhole of being penetrative intercourse and that is just not the case.
Sex can be so many things and even moving away from the word sex and using intimacy instead because that could be an emotional connection or something that you just you go and do an activity together like all of that is intimacy and you can still feel close to someone and maybe still get that what you're looking for like that pleasure from it.
If you're the partner on the other side, having received that kind of vulnerable conversation, what's the best way to respond or potentially help?
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