The Jordan Harbinger Show
1163: Dr. Becky Kennedy | Parenting with Connection over Correction
Tue, 03 Jun 2025
As parents, how do we raise our kids to be resilient against life's inevitable hardships? Good Inside author Dr. Becky Kennedy shares her insights here!Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1163What We Discuss with Dr. Becky Kennedy:Boundaries are what parents tell kids they will do — not what kids must do. "If you're not off the couch by the time I get there, I'll pick you up" works better than threats or punishments that require kid compliance.Optimizing for happiness in childhood creates fragility in adulthood. Kids who avoid hard feelings never learn they can handle disappointment, jealousy, or failure — leaving them with a narrow range of emotions they feel capable managing.Parents have two jobs: setting boundaries and validating emotions. These aren't opposites — they work together. Set the limit, then acknowledge their feelings: "You really wish you could keep jumping on the couch.""Do nothing" is often the best parenting strategy. It's mindful restraint — choosing not to react in the moment when kids are upset. This prevents escalation and models emotional regulation better than immediate correction.Build confidence by letting kids struggle through puzzles, conflicts, and challenges. Tell them: "The best feeling is when you think you can't do something, then watch yourself make progress." Struggle builds capability.And much more...And if you're game to support us, please leave a review here — even one sentence helps! Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!Subscribe to our once-a-week Wee Bit Wiser newsletter today and start filling your Wednesdays with wisdom!Do you even Reddit, bro? Join us at r/JordanHarbinger!This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors:Caldera Lab: 20% off: calderalab.com/jordan, code JORDANAudible: Visit audible.com/jhs or text JHS to 500-500Progressive: Free online quote: progressive.comBetterHelp: 10% off first month: betterhelp.com/jordanOura Ring: 10% off: ouraring.com/jordanSkims: skims.com, survey: podcasts: JHSSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: What are the key principles of parenting with connection?
If I said to that kid, even if I tried, which I don't even recommend to make it about guilt, hey, I'm really sad. He'd be like, why would I care? That does not affect me. But those are just strong-willed kids and their arc, their skills are different. So that's number one. Number two, I think we have to also understand that our kids over time pair their big feelings and urges with our boundaries.
So your kids wanting to jump somewhere dangerous and learning not to jump, that just takes time for any kid. And it also depends on their temperament. Just learning to swim. Learning how to manage urges and manage feelings, it takes time. Our kids have a feeling or an urge to jump on the couch or an urge to hit their sibling, and that urge has to actually get paired with our boundary.
That's why we say, I won't let you hit. That's why we hopefully notice the signs our kid is about to hit and pull them to the side then to interrupt that arc. And over time, those things in the moment, along with some things that help outside the That's how a kid eventually learns how to essentially regulate emotions and urges so feelings and urges don't come out in the form of behavior.
That's something that my daughter seems to be able to totally control and my son, who's a little older, is struggling with for sure. It's funny, the other day in the car, he got so mad and he was like making all these threats and it was over nothing. Of course, he's just tired or something. Speaking of skills, right? He just doesn't have the skill to go, oh, I'm tired and hungry and frustrated.
That's what's causing this. He's like, no, it's because she has this plastic thing that I now want and have to have or it means nobody loves me or whatever the hell's going on, right? And then my daughter who's three goes, when I get mad, I can control everything. And we were like, that's the cutest thing ever. But we didn't want to say that because that was going to make him more angry.
So one of those parent looks at each other and we're like, oh my God, that's so cute. He was in the backseat. Hopefully he didn't notice. But it's very interesting because we see in him, he's got an engineer brain. He's very good at a lot of different things. So Jaden, when you're listening to this in 20 years, here's your compliment. But she, my daughter is really good at the emotional stuff.
She'll see that someone's sad and she's, I'm going to go give them a strawberry. When he makes somebody sad, he's like, whatever. They deserve to be bitten on the shoulder because they're annoying. And I'm like, I can follow the logic, but that's not going to get you very far. It is a skills gap. Like, you can see my daughter developed the skills a little earlier.
My son's better at Legos and RC cars for now.
Yeah. Look, I think actually... you know, what you're saying about your son and daughter is that they're actually, and this can happen a lot in families, it does, and it definitely happens a lot when there's especially two kids in a family because the binary becomes I have one kid like this and I have the other kid like this, right?
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Chapter 2: How can parents set effective boundaries?
If you are a dad that takes care of the family and has the boundaries and is guiding the children correctly, yes, if there's a problem, you might want to look at your daughter's phone. Okay, I get that. But checking someone's phone text messages every day is, you would never do that to your spouse unless you were a psychopathic control, red flags everywhere.
But somehow when you do it to your kids, it's, oh, I'm just being a strict dad. That to me is a massive flag. It's just bizarre to me. I thought you would have heard of it because I thought people would bounce this stuff off of you, but maybe they know better than to tell you.
No, but I do want to say that I have a deep passion to connect with more dads because what I see also that's very hopeful, I feel like dads these days, like they really want to be involved. And it's not just about time. Like, they're like, I want to be a kind of different version of a dad. I want to be present. I want to also be the one my kid comes to when they're upset. Maybe not just a mom.
I just think that's amazing. And in a way, I still feel like there's more shame from moms almost getting a real parent education than there is from dads. Because I think this idea of maternal instinct, I've never heard the world talk about paternal instinct.
So there's almost more openness, which is kind of amazing that maybe the dads can be the one to say if they're married to a woman, like, hey, together, why would this come naturally? This is a new language. This matters to us the most. This is all parent education. What we do is preventative mental health care.
There is nothing more impactful on your kids' overall mental health as they get older than the dynamic with you early on. And, of course, the dynamic with us early on is dependent on how much we have access to true education and resources. And so to me, maybe dads, and I would love dads from your show, like I want to think like how can we get dads to really help also like lead this movement?
Because I think they can have a lot of amazing impact.
I agree. A show fan, his spouse sadly passed away and he has young daughters. And he took a class on how to braid hair. And he told me the story because he was definitely the only guy in the class. And people were like, What's going on? And he's I want to braid my daughter's hair. And they were like, Oh, bring your wife next time. And it was like this whole that was obviously a sad story.
But it was so interesting. He's like, I felt insecure about going to this class. Because of course, all the women were kind of young. And then one of them thought it was creepy that he was there, of course, until she heard the story. And then she was horrified and felt terrible. But you're right, every dad I know wants to be more involved.
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Chapter 3: What mistakes do parents often make with boundaries?
I think you said this on a podcast. It's the only job you actually care about on your deathbed.
It's true. And I think that's why, again, what we really want parents to do is say, it's just so interesting. So often we do align our choices, our money, our energy with our values. I think parenting is the one that like culture makes it really hard to do that because of this narrative that it should just come naturally. I think that narrative is way more harmful than hurtful.
And so, yes, it's the one we care the most about. Of course, we love the heck out of our kids. And I think there's this duality. Maybe we're ending on a way we started. I can be a hyper-masculine dad and want to really show up in a different way than dads have in my whole lineage for their kids. Those can be equally true. I can be firm and have limits, and I can be loving and connected.
What if we didn't have to choose in our families? And then, if we raise kids that way, I really mean this. The world that those children, when they become adults, will build... will become a very different world than the fractured one we live in. And I think I am a long-term optimist in thinking that the way we really do change the world is what we're doing in our home. It's like a huge factor.
How do we share scary things with kids? We had an attempted break-in a couple of months ago while we were home. They tried to break into the room that I was in, and I scared the guys away by screaming at them and then barricading the door, called the cops. And my daughter will say things like,
the bad guys come next time dad's gonna scare him away or the bad guys outside she'll be playing on the remote control for the tv and she's i'm calling the police because the bad guys are gonna try to get in and it makes me feel sad because clearly their sense of safety has been rocked a little bit and i just don't know like how do i explain this kind of thing to them
Yeah. So a couple things, and you're going to notice a trend. We have to understand before we intervene. I think that's like for parents. Okay, so what's the thing we have to understand? And here to me is a principle to hold on to. Information doesn't scare kids. Noticing changes and scary things in their environment and not understanding those things terrifies kids.
So it's not the information often as much as it's ironically the lack of information. And again, imagine being in an office and just hearing layoffs, 20%, hard times, and nobody talks to you. And imagine just what it feels like to go around the office. Then imagine a sturdy leader. That's what good inside parenting is. It's sturdy leadership.
And by the way, when you really learn the whole thing, you're like, this, by the way, is just working at my workplace, too. It's like all the same stuff. Because imagine a CEO saying, hey, I know where it's gotten out. Let me just tell you something, even though it's a little premature and I wouldn't have done it. But here we are. We will have a round of layoffs.
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