Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Smart, sharp, and slightly unhinged. Late night's fresh perspective.
The Last Show with David Cooper. At some point in life, you'll stop, you'll look around, you'll think, how did I get here? And is it too late to start it all over? That unsettling moment has a name, the midlife crisis. I'm here with Gary Dierenfeld, a social worker, a therapist. We're discussing, well, first, let's start here.
Gary, did you find yourself in the doctor's office the other day staring around thinking, how did I get here?
You know, you started by talking about a midlife crisis. This is a later life crisis. You know, I'm 70 years old. That's young. Yeah.
Chapter 2: What is a midlife crisis and how does it manifest?
But all of a sudden, I meet more friends in the lab than I do in the bank.
I don't even know what that means. Who's meeting people at a bank?
Don't you do online banking? Come on. I'm showing my age. Okay, more people than in the grocery store I meet in the lab. Anyways, I went for something called a cystoscopy. Say that 10 times fast. Yesterday. That is when they put a scope up your urethra.
Oh, lovely. Thank you for that image that is causing me physical pain as I hear it. But it's a medical operation, so we can't get in trouble for saying it. Exactly. Exactly.
I am speaking clinically now. And the purpose of this is to get literally an inside look of the male prostate and bladder checking for cancer. Cancer of the kidney and bladder runs in my family. So I have that heightened risk. I had a blood test that showed an elevated concern for kidney cancer. The doctor wanted to check it out.
And literally, a visual inspection is one of the best ways to do that. I had an ultrasound. Kidneys look fine. Let's take an inside look at the bladder. I'm happy to report, David, that I am fine. Good. Right. So the outcome is negative and negative in this context means there were no bad findings. I'm glad to hear it. This is men's health. This is so many men. They don't want to talk about it.
They don't want to look into it. And they put their own health at risk. This is why I talk so openly about it. Men, get yourself checked out.
Colon cancer has, I have a few like great uncles. That as well, yeah. So I'm turning 40 next week and now we're back on topic with midlife crisis. I don't know why I said next week. I'm turning 40 in seven weeks. I've already aged myself up.
but uh it's that anticipation it's hitting you i promised my girlfriend that i would go for my first colonoscopy and i don't know if that's a midlife crisis thing but let's let's and but i want to mention it because this kind of helps you could put that off forever because it's uncomfortable you think it's for someone who's older than you whatever i'm just gonna do it i'm not looking forward to it don't necessarily want to talk about it but like
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Chapter 3: What medical concerns should men consider as they age?
My son was about 12 years old at the time. I come home, typical 12-year-old, right? I say, hi, son. And he doesn't even look at me. Hi, dad. You know, I go, son, look at me when I talk to you. He lifts his head. He didn't recognize me and went flying backwards. Oh, my God. This was my experience of going through midlife. Quick story, another. I know I'm taking your time. No, it's just good.
We're at a gas station, my wife and I coming home from the cottage, separate cars. She's getting gas, I'm getting gas. I go in and I say to the attendant, see that young woman out there? Put her on my credit card. I'm being a smartass. And the attendant looks at me and says, oh, sir, is that your daughter? Oh, boy. Yeah, my wife is older than me. This was my midlife crisis.
It was hitting me all over the place.
So is it like a trigger? Is it a birthday? Like for me, 40, is it looking at your spouse and thinking, this isn't the spouse I want? Or looking at your career and thinking, I'm unhappy. I only got so many years left. What can trigger it for some people?
Typically, it's triggered by the zeros in the number. So 40, 50, 60, 70. Oh, boy. These are seen as milestone birthdays, but there's something about 40 that, you know, leaving your 30s, entering your 40s, where people say, am I where I want to be? Have I lost my youth? Why do you think so many guys go out and, as you said, buy the motorcycle, buy the fancy car?
Another friend said to me, whatever you do, Gary, don't buy a car. Those payments last for years. Buy yourself a leather jacket. It's a one-off purchase.
Yeah, I mean, I have a motorcycle and I promised my mom, my girlfriend, everyone I would sell it when I turned 40. Seriously? Yeah, because it's dangerous. I don't know if you've read the news, but motorcycles are slightly dangerous. I mean, it is literally the most dangerous activity I do by far. And I don't ride it enough, so I'm out of practice.
But that promise that you made, you set yourself up. I know. And it's like and I know once I sell this bike, I'm never going to buy another one ever because no, I'm not going to do that.
So talk about an existential crisis that is signaling to you the the freedom of your youth.
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Chapter 4: How does turning 40 impact your perspective on life?
Maybe your kid, if you're an older person, is having one. Gary Dierenfeld is here. Did I already say that? Probably. It's Therapy Thursdays on a Wednesday. Gary, welcome back in.
So, you know, at 40, under the advice of my psychologist, a friend of mine, I did ditch the beard. And it took me about four to six weeks before I said to heck with this and I grew it back. I got over my crisis. So your question before the break was, you know, what good could come of this in a sense? You know, is there something positive as an outcome of this midlife crisis?
Is there a healthy way to have a midlife crisis? I remember many years ago I was watching one of these like TV rabbi as a joke shows. It's the most famous one, but I don't want to say his name because he's a bit kooky. But I remember him talking about husbands who were like, you know, wanting to have affairs. And he was like... You need to have an affair with your wife.
And I just thought that was so funny as a frame, as a way to look at it. It's like, oh, you can meet your wife at a sleazy motel. There are ways to act out your impulses that might be damaging or turbulent in a healthy way.
And so my question for you is, if someone is feeling that existential angst, like about to have a midlife crisis, or maybe they know someone going through one, is there a way for them to kind of like... figure it all out and not blow up their life? Is there a healthy way to have a midlife crisis?
Yeah, absolutely. If you are in a relationship, by the way, and you're going through this midlife crisis, I hope, because not everyone has this in their relationship, but I hope that this is something that you can actually discuss with your partner and that your partner takes it seriously. So if you have that kind of partner, you can kind of problem solve and talk it through together.
In terms of healthy outlets, yeah, you may have some unrealized wants, desires, aspirations. Maybe it is that art class. Maybe it is learning to ride a motorcycle. But if you go about these things, try and do so in the safest way possible. That's one.
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Chapter 5: What triggers a midlife crisis for many individuals?
Another is some people may want to reinvent themselves. You know, I've done that in my business life. You know, although a therapist throughout, I've been entrepreneurial as well in and out of different businesses. So you can reinvent yourself. Now, as my grandmother used to say, don't throw away dirty until you have clean.
You know, so it's not like you totally disregard everything that you're doing for the new want or desire. But you look for ways, how can I do this differently? What can I incorporate? Was there a new skill or creative outlet that I've been looking for? And pursue it. Take the opportunity, pursue it, and see what comes of that.
You know, at 40-ish, certainly by 50, 60, myself 70, you start counting down the numbers. And, you know, we don't want to live with the regret of not having done some of the things that we would have hoped to have done. Myself, I've jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet. With a parachute. And strapped to Bubba. He was a big guy. So I refer to him as Bubba.
But yes, find that thing that you think excites you and look at how are you going to address it in a way that brings no harm or risk to anyone else.
There's gotta be a regret angle here to midlife crises, crises, many crises. Yeah. When people hit that time of their life and they start thinking about all the paths that they didn't take, you know, uh, When someone is dealing with... Unrequited love. Yeah, unrequited love, a career path, an artistic pursuit. And you can go in this sort of doom spiral of what ifs.
I mean, I actually don't know the answer to this question other than talk to a therapist. But what do you do if you're stuck in that negative loop of like, oh, this what if of my life, this thing I never did is getting me down. I feel like an idiot for not doing it. And then feeling like an idiot makes you feel even more down. And the more down you feel, the more you regret it.
The more you regret it, the more down you feel, the more boom, boom, boom. All of a sudden we're depressed.
Look, David, some things we cannot go back and recapture. They're gone. Opportunity lost. So hopefully you start thinking forward. You know, if I were actually turning 50, what might I regret not having done in my 40s?
That's literally why I'm on the mic right now. I remember in my early 30s thinking, if I turn 40 without at least trying to be on the radio, I think I'm going to regret it more than if I try and fail.
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