Chapter 1: What historical frustrations exist in heterosexual relationships?
We work hard to strike the right amount of intelligence and ignorance. The Last Show with David Cooper.
If you're a woman and modern hetero dating feels exhausting, awkward, even enraging, then congrats, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just living inside an old system where not much has changed over the years. The cycle of women's frustration with men in romantic relationships keeps repeating itself. What does that all mean? Well, I'm here with someone who's researched it.
She is a sociology researcher at Western University in Ontario, Canada. Her name is Megan Furlano. Megan, welcome to the show.
Thank you for having me.
So is there a crisis in heterosexual relationships today that people talk about? And if so, what's going on?
Oh, 100%.
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Chapter 2: How has the perception of dating changed over the years?
Although it's been a long crisis. The word crisis almost implies that something has just come up suddenly. But in my article, I try to show that actually this has been around for a really, really long time. This is something that women have long been really frustrated and emotionally drained and depleted by.
You'd think that some of the complaints would be more modern because we live in a modern society. I don't know, with technology that's different than it was 40 years ago, with dating patterns that are different than they were 40, 50 years ago. But do we get deja vu when we hear women's complaints about dating?
Oh, completely. And I came across the quote that starts off this article. I was reading a book published in 1989. And this quote that was in it, this quote comes from a book that was published in 84.
And yet the quote basically talking about how I feel like it's so much so much work to manage a relationship with a man because I'm the one doing all like I'm his therapist, I'm his cheerleader and I'm getting none of that back. You know, that was that seems that quote seems like it could have been published somewhere in 2025 or 2026.
Chapter 3: What is the significance of emotional labor in relationships?
That's a 42 year difference. So it's quite shocking that the attitude is exactly the same.
We have fancy words for this now, like women do all the emotional labor. We have lots of understanding. People talk about it now.
Mankeeping, heteropessimism. These are all new words for very old things.
Interesting. And so what is the response now that is similar to the response then? Are people opting out of dating? Are women saying, I don't want to participate?
Yeah, well, it's interesting. You have really two quite different responses. You have people like like the trad wives on social media, if you're familiar with them, these traditional wives, women influencers who promote traditional gender roles.
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Chapter 4: How are modern women responding to traditional gender roles?
So they're kind of responding by, you know, like committing really deeply to heterosexuality. And then you have, you know, women on other sides who are, Like if you've heard of the 4B movement in South Korea, this rejection of dating men, having sex with men, having children with men. Yeah, so quite varying responses.
But just in general, between the extremes, so to say, there's just a lot of feelings of being drained and unhappy. And some people are saying they want to invest more in female friendships and kind of de-center men. So as the trend kind of is right now.
So this kind of like emotional, cognitive, unpaid labor in the household, in the relationship, that is the same as it ever was, despite people talking about it is what you're saying.
Yeah, it remains really strikingly similar. Like, I'm from Canada. And in Canada, on average, women do about 3.7 hours of domestic labor a day compared with men's 2.6. And I guess in a day, that doesn't sound like that much. But you add it up in over a year, that would be 17 days of 24-hour shifts. So working, if we cut that in half, you know, because most people earn up 24 hours a day.
that would be like a month's worth of additional labor that women are doing.
And despite more modern, like non-traditional households where women are primary breadwinners, that this still happens. All the changes that have been made don't really change anything in the household, it seems.
No, exactly. You're talking about kind of this rise of dual-earner families. So we're in heterosexual relationships, both the men and the women are working. And this is generally because men's real wages have fallen. So women are there to need to pick up. And it's an economic necessity that they go work.
in paid labor and so if everyone's going out working in the paid workforce in the formal economy as it's called you know there's still all this domestic labor child care labor housework labor that still needs to be done so it's been called like the first versus the second shift so you go out and do your first shift of paid labor you might be a cashier you might be a lawyer an actor and then you come home and you're doing the second shift of unpaid labor of taking care of kids and
And still, it's women that disproportionately take on this so-called second shift.
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Chapter 5: What are the implications of the 'trad wife' phenomenon?
They're not. These are not good people by and large. Men free riding on women's unpaid labor. You write about that. That's a strong phrase. But what does that look like in everyday life?
Yeah, well, it kind of gets down to this idea of exploitation. And we generally think about that in like the formal economy. But if exploitation is essentially one group benefiting off the labor of another group and like extracting that.
And so if women are the gender disproportionately doing all of this housework, child care, taking care of relatives, managing the social life, managing the relationships, feelings, then that can be said to be a form of exploitation or free riding.
So how do we break the cycle? If these conversations have been coming up for a long time, how do we change the default setting, if you will, that the bulk of the housework, that the bulk of taking care of each other in the relationship doesn't fall on the woman in a heterosexual relationship? Unless it's discussed beforehand and that's an agreement both partners want to make.
Like how do we change the default setting here?
I think a huge thing is cultural beliefs, cultural representations. You know, representations of masculinity are quite limited. And I think having more expansive, inclusive, caring definitions of masculinity, that's important. And in the book I was talking about, that second shift book, the author says that essentially we need
greater numbers of men engaging in a movement, not a men's rights movement, but in some kind of movement that recognizes that these cultural stereotypes and beliefs of men are incredibly limiting. And, you know, trying to challenge those.
So if we do reimagine masculinity the way you're describing, what would it look like in a heteronormative couple's day-to-day life? Like what would an average Tuesday be in the household?
Yeah, well, quite, you know, equal division of labor, of household labor, of childcare labor. And what's interesting is that this book I talk about, it's such a good book. It's called The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild.
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