Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
The show that asks the questions other shows are afraid to ask. The Last Show with David Cooper. Patience is a virtue. A lot of people say that. But what does it even mean? Well, we'll get to that. But could patience be the key to unlocking a calmer mind, a stronger body, maybe even a better version of yourself, the ability to wait well? It isn't a weakness. It's a strategy.
And I think it takes courage, maybe some emotional training. Let's talk all things patience here with psychology professor at Baylor University, Dr. Sarah Schnitker. Sarah, welcome in.
Chapter 2: What does patience really mean and why is it important?
Thanks for having me, David. It's great to be here.
Thank you for patiently waiting through the commercial break. Look, most people treat patience like something simple, like, oh, just waiting nicely. Is it a skill? Is it something we have to work on? Do we have to be active with being patient?
Well, sometimes people are naturally patient, but for most of us, it is something we need to work on. And the good news is we can actually work on it and improve our patients' learning strategies to regulate our emotions, remain calm, even when things are frustrating and difficult.
Now, what does being patient really mean? Does it just mean I'm in the doctor's office and after five minutes, I don't go to the receptionist and lose my mind? Like, what does it mean on a deep level to wait for something?
Well, you know, I think it's interesting. Sometimes we have choices to wait. Sometimes we don't. But what distinguishes patience from other psychological constructs like delay of gratification is that with patience, it's how you wait. Not whether or not you do, but when you wait, are you doing that calmly without getting overly dysregulated?
It doesn't mean you don't have any emotions, but that you're able to stay present and calm in the moment and not lose sight of your goal and what you're trying to do.
Patience to me seems a little boring, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you've said patience exists in this extreme between recklessness and passivity. What does that mean? That sounds pretty dramatic.
Well, you know, I think part of the reason I bring that point up a lot is because people often hear patience and think it's going to make you a doormat. That if I'm patient, I won't get anything done. I'll become lazy and not get there. But what we show in our research is that patience actually helps facilitate goal pursuit. And what it does is it helps you just keep going at the correct pace.
Not rushing ahead, pushing forward when you shouldn't and being reckless, but also not giving up because you're so upset and dysregulated and impatient, right? That's actually what our data suggests is maybe the worst outcome, that passivity that comes with impatience when you just say, I'm done, I'm throwing in the towel.
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Chapter 3: Is patience a skill we need to develop?
Or do you stay engaged and work on these kind of like boring things for six months to stay on track? In this sense, it can take courage to be patient.
Exactly. And I think, right, courage and patience really are complementary. And if you have one without the other, we actually find you might not be in a good place. It means you might just throw your hands up, give up, or you might recklessly push. Maybe you would say, no, I deserve this raise now. That's not going to win you a raise.
And so you need this back and forth between patience and courage. And pushing forward is important, but also recognizing it's going to take time and it's going to involve waiting is just as important. And Sometimes we're afraid to wait. We're afraid that what we hope for won't come. And so we might just say, forget it. I'm not going to try for a raise. This is too hard for me.
Instead of just waiting it out and doing the small daily things together.
Emotional regulation. I think one of the great skills that divides us, the adults from the feral adolescents, it's such an important skill, but waiting is frustrating. Whether it's on a short term, a medium term, a long term, you know, I deal with waiting by creating spreadsheets to like track progress in time. I don't know if that's my coping mechanism spreadsheets.
I love that.
Talk to me about emotional regulation.
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Chapter 4: How can patience impact our emotional regulation?
Like, how important is it to learn not to fly off the handle when someone tells you to wait?
It's really important. And I think, you know, we might think of instances like flying off the handle when you're stuck in traffic or in a line at the DMV. But I think when it's most important is maybe in your close relationships, right? How about when your spouse or partner does something that makes you impatient? Are you able to pause and communicate with them in a manner that's constructive?
Or do you fly off the handle at them and do some lasting damage that you might have to pay for decades later? So I think it really matters, and especially in our interpersonal relationships where we can really hurt others with our impatience.
I remember when COVID first hit, like the patience to wait for the pandemic to end, I think was a scary thing for a lot of people dealing with the unknown. We're talking a lot about the virtues of patience and the benefits of it and why it's great. How can I learn it?
Well, I always like to say you need a how and a why. So you need, first of all, with that why, why do I care about this? What's worthwhile here that can motivate me through the impatience? potential situations through the suffering, through the waiting. And once you know your big picture why, it's about the how. What are specific strategies that I can adapt?
Can I learn to think about things differently and reappraise and reimagine a scenario, maybe engage in benefit findings?
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Chapter 5: What distinguishes patience from other psychological constructs?
Like during COVID, like, well, this is a great opportunity to spend more time with my child. This is high quality time, perhaps. It also might be low quality, but we do have that time. So benefit finding, thinking about it differently.
But what research shows is that other strategies, which we might not want to use too much, like sometimes just masking your expression with a person or suppressing it or distracting yourself, might actually be helpful in particular situations. So part of building patience is having a variety of strategies that you can use to depending on what the situation requires.
Sort of like a toolkit. Exactly. This reappraisal idea, looking at things differently, trying to take a different perspective, maybe even trying to be empathetic of the person on the other end, trying your patience. On the one hand, it sounds powerful. On the other hand, sounds a bit like gaslighting yourself.
Like what's the line between denying reality and tempering and looking at things differently?
Well, I think that's a great thought exercise for a person to go through, right? Sometimes we are reappraising in a way that is trying to blunt the impact of a scenario. So I know sometimes my husband runs a nursing home where people are dying very regularly. My job, that is not what's happening at work with all these college students.
And so sometimes I will say to myself, well, no one died today. This could be worse. But also that can feel as if I'm not actually allowing myself the space to have this emotion. And so what you want to do is say the emotion is valid and not just instantly try to get rid of it, but instead to wait, to pause, to say, what am I feeling? Why? And then say, yes, that's valid.
But how might I move forward now and regulate and think differently to help myself achieve my own goals rather than just pushing everything aside? I think that's the important part of the process is what are my goals and what do I hope to accomplish?
And sitting with the emotion is what I'm hearing.
And sitting with the emotion, right?
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