I'm Canceling Christmas Trees
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Now today for our daily cancellation, now that Christmas season has officially, or rather unofficially, we got officially the Christmas season actually starts on Christmas. I don't know if you knew that. I'm going to take a bold, bold step that will only shock and offend you until you realize that I come not as your oppressor, but as your liberator.
I seek to free you and free all of us once and for all from the tyranny of Christmas trees. Christmas trees are canceled. This madness has gone on for long enough. I'm drawing the line in the sand right now. No more Christmas trees. We are done with Christmas trees. Now, it may come as a surprise, but the early Christians never thought to cut down a tree and put it in their house for three weeks as part of their Christmas celebration. One could only imagine how the conversation would have went had anyone suggested something like that. Hey, it's almost Christmas. What do you say we go and chop down that perfectly healthy tree out there, drag it inside, and watch it slowly die? It'll be so festive.
My tree.
The idea probably would not have been warmly received. And that's why nobody had a Christmas tree until some depraved lunatic in Germany, as always, decided that there weren't enough distracting hassles associated with the holiday and came up with this idea. And it was the worst thing anyone had done related to Christmas since St. Nick's started the whole gift-giving thing, which is another problem in and of itself.
This isn't the biggest bag over the head punch in the face I ever... Damn it! Son of a...
Now, admittedly, this history of Christmas and its traditions may not be entirely technically accurate, but that's not the point. The point is that we are all burdening ourselves with this demented custom for no reason. So there are, of course, two ways to approach the problem of obtaining, transporting, and erecting a tree inside your living room. This again is a problem of our own making. It's like if we're all stressed out about how to capture a squirrel from the forest and train it to do jumping jacks. The most stress-free way of doing that is to not do it because it's bizarre and pointless. And there are a million better ways to spend your time. But as far as trees go, you have two options, right? You can go out and buy a real tree or you can purchase an imposter.
A fake tree, an avatar of a tree. The problem with the fake tree is that it's a fake tree. It's expensive and clunky. It doesn't actually look anything like a real tree, much less does it smell like one. So it's always awkward when you go to someone's house and they have a fake tree and they go, doesn't it look real? No, it doesn't. Have you ever seen a real tree? They're outside. You should go check them out. Because this... Doesn't look anything like it. You know what's annoying about the Christmas season? Those super targeted ads that seem to follow you everywhere. You look at one gift idea for your cousin and suddenly every website is bombarding you with similar products. Well, here's the thing.
Your internet provider is actually tracking and storing everything you do online. Companies like AT&T and Verizon can legally collect and sell your browsing data That's why I use ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN reroutes your internet connection through their secure servers so your internet provider can't see or log what you do online. And you might be thinking, if I'm routing my data through a VPN, doesn't that just mean the VPN can see and log my activity instead? It's a smart question. While many VPNs claim to have a no-logs policy, ExpressVPN stands out because they use trusted server technology. They were the first major VPN provider to engineer all of their servers to run in RAM, making it technically impossible for their servers to store any customer data. And they've got the credentials to back this up. They even had PWC, one of the biggest assurance firms, audit their technology. Stop letting people keep logs of what you do online.
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