The Mel Robbins Podcast
A Process for Finding Purpose: Do THIS to Build the Life You Want
Mon, 21 Apr 2025
If you’ve been feeling lost, uncertain, or disconnected from your purpose, today’s episode is exactly what you need. This is one of the most moving and powerful conversations you’ll ever hear. Today, Jay Shetty shares timeless wisdom on finding clarity, unlocking passion, and cultivating a deep sense of peace about where you are and where you’re headed. Jay is a former monk, a New York Times bestselling author, and the host of one of the most successful podcasts in the world, On Purpose. This episode feels like a conversation with your wisest friend – the kind that grounds you, opens your heart, and reminds you what really matters. If you’ve ever felt like you’re… – Questioning your next step – Searching for deeper meaning – Struggling with a big decision – Feeling stuck in your head – Craving more purpose or peace – Or simply ready for a reset This episode is for you. Jay will help you reconnect with what matters most, quiet the noise, and move forward with more clarity, peace, and intention. This isn’t just a conversation – it’s one of those episodes you’ll carry with you, think about for days, and feel compelled to pass along to someone who needs it too. For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, you’ll love listening to this one next: 4 Books That Will Change Your LifeIf you want to experience more of Jay live, grab your ticket to his upcoming On Purpose Tour.Connect with Mel: Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them TheoryWatch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-freeDisclaimer
Chapter 1: Who is Jay Shetty and why is he featured on this podcast?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today, it is my absolute honor to be able to introduce you to a person who plays a very important role in my life. Now, this is someone that I turn to for advice, whether it's advice that I need in my life, in my relationships, or advice that I might need about my next career move. He is a person who picks me up when I feel down.
He is a friend who has helped me become so much clearer and courageous about my purpose in life. And I cannot wait for you to be able to spend time together with him and with me today. I mean, he just has this gift. It's as if whenever I hear him speak, it's almost like you're hearing the best sermon of your life, but only as you're talking to a really good friend.
It's as if time slows down, your heart softens, your guard drops. Your mind, it just expands. And suddenly, it's as if the words he's speaking were meant just for you. Who am I talking about? None other than Jay Shetty. Now, if you're not already one of his 50 million followers online, I am certain you will be after spending time with us today. See, Jay doesn't just talk about change.
He teaches you how to create it. He doesn't just share wisdom. He makes you wiser. So no matter how you feel right now or what season of your life you may be in, I promise you what you're about to hear is exactly what you need to hear right now. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am absolutely thrilled that you are here. The conversation today is going to be extraordinary.
You know, it's always such an honor to spend time with you, to be together with you. And if you're a brand new listener, I also want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here and I'm thrilled that you hit play on this particular episode because it's going to be extraordinary. It's going to be exactly what you need to hear.
And because you hit play on this episode, I already know something about you. I know that you're someone who values your time because you're making time to listen to a conversation that will give you greater clarity, purpose, and direction. I also suspect that you're looking for some answers, for a way to make sense of what's going on in your life, and for guidance on how to move forward.
If someone sent you this episode, I want to take a moment and point something out that's really important. You have people in your life who love you and they want you to experience this conversation because they are certain that what you're about to hear will change your life. It'll open you up to bigger possibilities.
And I want you to really listen today and take in everything that you're about to learn. Because if you do, Time will slow down. Your heart will soften. Your guard will drop. Your mind will expand. And you will know with every cell of your being that what you're hearing today is meant just for you. Because it is.
Jay Shetty is a person who is so hard to define because the impact that he has on people's lives transcends a label and it is truly global. I consider Jay to be one of my closest friends, especially in this business. To the world, he's known as the host of one of the most successful and award-winning podcasts on the planet. I'm talking about On Purpose with Jay Shetty.
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Chapter 2: What are the five steps from listening to change according to Jay Shetty?
So you're constantly surrounding yourself with an identity that no longer exists. So you don't have the time or the energy or the presence to be able to even think about what comes next because there's a part of you that still feels affected. If you go through a relationship breakup, you keep looking at pictures of when you went on vacation.
You keep looking at the pictures of when you had your first date. You keep looking at the memories of maybe it's a clothing, piece of clothing, maybe it's an item at home, whatever you're surrounded by. So you're still living as if you're still dating that person in your mind. Mm-hmm. And so that's all holding on to something that is an identity that's already moved on in life.
Your kids have already moved on. They're at college or they're getting engaged. Your ex has already moved on. They're in a new relationship or they're alone. So reality has moved on, but you've held on to the piece of clothing, the memory, the photo, the whatever it may be. And that's what's keeping you stuck. So my question to everyone is, what is that thing for you?
And how do you learn to release it? That's the focus. I think we think we're stuck because we don't know what to do next. No, we're stuck because we're still holding on to what's behind us. And as soon as you release it, you propel yourself forward. Have you ever felt that before? And you're holding on to something really tight. If you let go of it, all of a sudden you feel momentum.
Momentum doesn't come from knowing where you're going. It comes from knowing that I don't want to be here anymore.
That is so important because so many people stay where they are because they don't know where they want to go next. And I always say, well, actually, if you can be honest with yourself and say, I just don't like how my life feels anymore, you're already moving in a new direction because you're moving away from what's not working.
I have one more example to give you because what you just said was brilliant. You have this ability, Jay, to just take... wisdom, philosophy, psychology, and make it so immensely obvious that I both feel inspired and sort of like an idiot that I didn't see it, you know, myself.
But no, I have one more example to give you about this feeling of being stuck because there are so many people that have artistry inside themselves. whether it's wanting to start a YouTube channel or it's wanting to become a singer or it's wanting to express themselves on social media or it's wanting to learn how to market themselves better on social media.
And yet there is so much resistance to putting yourself out there. And so in this paradigm where we're talking about holding on to something and grieving who you used to be,
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Chapter 3: Why do people feel stuck and how can letting go help you move forward?
Yeah.
It's sort of like, you can't explain to somebody what it feels like to be married until you've done it. Yes. You can't explain to somebody how shockingly simple things can be. until you've learned how to push through your own resistance to the things that you're interested in and curious about experimenting with or trying.
And so for somebody that's never even considered a possibility for themselves beyond consulting or beyond where they're at right now or beyond the major that they had or beyond the city that they live in, what is that first step? And is there a way if you're not even in touch with what it feels like to be pulled towards something new, to identify it in yourself.
Because I think that's one of the things that you do for people. You help people see a bigger possibility for themselves. And it took me a long time to go from simply surviving and trying to pay bills and get through the day to understanding that there's a different way to wake up and be tapped into the signals and the energetic things that pull you in different directions.
Because I think that's what you're talking about when you say, all you need to do is take one step.
Yes. The step I'd say in the most practical way to make it really, really simple for people and get away from any philosophical idea is is it's actually not about falling in love with something new or finding something else. It's about extracting and learning every possible thing from where you are right now. Whatever job you're in. But I don't want to do that, Jay, because I hate where I'm at.
But that is the thing. You can hate where you're at and still gain all the skills you need for your future. When I was a consultant, I knew I did not want to be a consultant for the rest of my life. But I learned so many incredible skills from consulting that are so useful today.
Whether it's negotiation, whether it's communication, whether it's presentation, whether it's connecting with clients, whatever it may be, there are so many skills. If you're working in a school, I promise you, there are so many skills in that school that are available that if you start learning, all of a sudden that place you hate becomes a place that becomes a stepping stone for your next step.
So is there a mindset shift like from I hate this dread? Like there have been times in my life where I literally you're heading to work. You're just like, I do not want to walk through the door and actually have to be there today. So is there a mindset shift that you would advise us to just hold on to? Because it shifts everything.
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Chapter 4: How can you leverage your current skills and mindset to build your future?
You know, I want to give an example because I feel like one of the mistakes that I made for a long time when it came to, quote, discovering my purpose is that I thought it was one thing and it's actually everything.
Yes.
And so when we moved to Southern Vermont and I remember feeling very stuck and in a new chapter and isolated and needing to like meet all new friends and build community that I learned of this flower farmer. And her flowers were, it was near the end of the summer and into fall and frost was coming and it's dahlias and you need to dig them up. And I'm getting really geeky on flowers.
And the frost was starting to hit and it was an entire field and they were all going to die. And I felt this like ache because flowers bring me energy. I tracked down the person who was growing the flowers and found out that they had had a health issue. And so I organized a bunch of women that I had recently met to help this person dig up the tubers.
That is an example that has nothing to do with career. It has nothing to do with my life's mission and all the things I do for work. It is a small example of how I took something that energized me And use that energy that's authentic to me in service of someone else.
And that small example is an example of how you can infuse a sense of purpose in your day-to-day life in really small but deeply meaningful, important ways.
Yes. Yes, I love that. And it's so true. I'm thinking about Radhi. When Radhi first moved with me to America, she couldn't work here because she was on a spouse visa. And until we all got all that sorted out. And Radhi wasn't always the writer of a New York Times bestselling cookbook. Like that's a very like recent iteration of her life.
Well, when we became friends, Jay, so, you know, like you and I have been friends for a long time. Yeah. And we are extremely supportive and fond of one another. Our spouses know each other. But when I first met you and Roddy, she had not launched this part of her life.
Absolutely. No social media.
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Chapter 5: What is the difference between passion and purpose?
And all of a sudden, it's your best friend. Envy can be your best friend if you just replace it for study. A hundred percent. Yeah.
I love that. And that's exactly what I did. The thing that's interesting is that, you know, the reason why I wanted to highlight that jealousy can be a useful tool. Yes. Jealousy for me is very different than envy because when I would look at you, I would never envy you like you don't deserve that.
Jealousy for me is this deep stirring because it's impossible to be jealous of something that's not meant for you.
Yes.
And so I've never been jealous of anybody who drives a Lamborghini. I've never been jealous of anybody that lives in a penthouse apartment. I've never, you know what I'm saying? I don't want those things. But there was something about the way that you took something that energizes you, learning, connection, purpose.
And you created a business that was in service to others around the things that energize you. And that's what was, I think, ultimately the thing that was stirring something in me. And it's a super, super useful tool. But the other thing I wanted to validate is that the second I said, I'm going to walk toward this thing, I'm going to figure this out.
I spent two years studying you, talking to you, and that piece of allowing yourself, and it goes back to what you said about the experiment. Learn, reflect, and part of reflecting is experiment with something. I was a student for two years. There's a reason why we came out of the gate and launched two episodes a week.
It's because I learned from you that if you do want to have a successful show, you have to do at least that many episodes. And so the learning part and the studying others and allowing others to lead the way and to show you and to truly flip envy
into learning from somebody, that is worth $100 million in your life to understand that everybody that is out in the world right now is somebody that you can learn from. It's just unbelievable. And so thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that. And there's another quote that you have that I absolutely love, Jay. We judge others by their actions, but ourselves by our intentions.
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Chapter 6: How can changing your perspective transform your work experience?
Mel, there's this thing, I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called the Latin theory.
Sorry, I had to. I had to. Which is really good. There's let them and then let me in it. And it works perfectly, which I genuinely believe. It's amazing. But to answer your question, I'll be honest with you. When it's people that I know, I tell them. I really believe it's important to tell people. I check in with them. I ask them. Because if I know you, our relationship... If our relationship...
means I can't ask you the question, then it's a weak relationship. If I ask you the question and we have a great conversation, now our relationship is strengthened by it. We actually got closer. A hard conversation should make you closer to the person. A hard conversation should not make you further away from them. Say that again, Jay.
If you love someone and they say they love you, a hard conversation should bring you closer together. A hard conversation should not push you away from each other. If you're scared to have a hard conversation with someone you love, that means you're not that close.
Dude, I think those are the hardest people to talk to though.
Yeah, but that should be the easiest person to talk to because you should be able to have a safe space to raise it. And so if I'm close to someone, if it was me and you, I would call you up. And I actually trust we'd have a great conversation because of it. I know that. I actually believe that if we ever had anything like that, which we haven't, and I would call you.
But what I find is if you can't call the person, I would just think about, this is the second part of that statement. My monk teachers would always say, Instead of judging people by their actions, judge them by their intentions and judge yourself by your actions, not your intentions. Oh, think about all the stupid things you've said, you've done and got wrong.
And all of a sudden you start to recognize, wait a minute, If someone judged me for that, I'd feel pretty bad about it. That doesn't define me. That's not who I am. And all of a sudden, when you have that reflection, it flips the entire statement. Wait a minute, that can't be who I am.
And that's not who they are. Amazing. Here's another thing that you said recently, Jay, that I love. Someone out there would love to live your worst day. What does that mean?
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Chapter 7: How can you discover your strengths and purpose by asking others?
And they will always fail us because that was your job. It was never theirs in the first place. That was God's job. It was never theirs in the first place. So open yourself up to the limitless love that people show up. Maybe you're... partner makes you coffee in the morning. Maybe they're the ones that make the bed.
Maybe they're the one when you're on the road to check in with you and order something to your hotel room. Maybe they're the one that reminds you that you forgot your glasses or your wallet. Maybe they're the one that remembers to put the dishes away, whatever it is. They're doing something and it's love. They may not say, I love you. It may not look like I love you, but it is.
And by the way, when you tell them, hey, you didn't get me this one thing, or you didn't say this one thing, They're thinking, how did you miss all of the other things? And guess what? You discourage them from loving you. You don't encourage someone to love you by telling them you're disappointed. No one's going to give you more because you made them feel bad.
People love you more when they see you noticed all the little things they did. And all of a sudden they feel inspired to give you more.
Jay, it really... As I was listening to you, I was first of all thinking about what an asshole I am in my marriage. So thanks a lot. We love you, Chris. Because I so saw myself, right?
Me too, by the way.
Yeah. And then something extraordinary happened as I was listening to you. And that is... What a shame that most of us are so busy looking for the one way we expect to be loved that we miss all of the love that is around us and available to us that we don't let in. And what an opportunity to have a shift and really
change the way that you see life, you see relationships, and what you open yourself up to. If there's one thing from that perspective and what you learned about yourself and what you learned about what's possible, that being loved the way you want to be loved is your job. It's God's job. It's the universe's job. It's not somebody else's job. And I would say learning how to allow in
other people's expression of love is a huge opportunity for you. Whether it's your friends, whether it's your parents, whether it's, you know, your kids, your partner, everybody. Like, how do you do that? Especially if you've been a first-class asshole like me. Me too, me too. You didn't do it this way. And I thought, you know, like nobody texted me on the thing and nobody checked in.
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Chapter 8: How can jealousy and envy be transformed into tools for growth?
Because I feel like, you know, we're coming out of this conversation about how we block it because we're expecting it to be expressed in a certain way and that it is all around you. And you're a person in my life that you show up. I mean, there's what you do, which is your job. And the things that you are doing that is in service of the world, but it's not who you are.
And my experience of you is somebody who is the expression of love.
Thank you. So sweet. That touches my heart. I think what you just said there's even more interesting about blocking love. If you still see your mom calling, That's a blessing. If you still see your dad's name on your phone, sending you a text, that's a blessing. 10 years from now, you're not going to remember the meeting you were in.
20 years from now, you're not going to remember the task you were doing. That's how we block love. We block love because when it's coming in, when it's coming freely, when it's coming unlimitedly, we don't know how to hold on to it. There's this beautiful poem from India that says, when God wants to give us something, how much can these two little hands hold on to?
And when things are taken away from us, how much can these two little hands hold on to? And it's this beautiful idea of God's ever flowing love that's unlimitedly there. And we can just try to catch and hold whatever we can. And at the same time, when something's going away, there's an insignificance that we have where we can't hold on to it anymore. So what do we do? We pick up the call.
We return it. We message back. we don't block it by saying, oh, they just keep connecting. Oh, that person just keeps calling. Oh, that person just, the amount of people that are blocking love because they're thinking that person's needy or that person's desperate or that person's, not cool enough to be my friend, or that person's not interesting enough to be my friend.
I know so many people today that are leaving friendships and relationships behind because the person's not cool enough, smart enough, talented enough, whatever it is. Because when someone shows and wears their heart on their sleeve, we see that as a weakness. We believe that love is chasing someone rather than wanting someone who never wants to leave.
Hmm.
We would rather chase, pursue, and court someone because we believe that love has to be earned rather than receive it freely from all of these people around us who are giving it to us unlimitedly because we think that love is valuable if it's rare. We believe that love is valuable if it's given in small doses. If someone's holding it back a little, it feels like power.
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