Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So my husband and I have been married for 29 years, and let me tell you something that nobody tells you when you fall in love.
Staying connected with your partner is harder than anyone wants to admit, especially when you're tired, especially when they're annoying or when you're broke or when life pulls you apart and you don't know how to find your way back to each other. I'm talking about miscommunication that turns into distance you don't know how to close.
And if you're in a moment like that right now where it feels like your relationship is slipping, You're trying, but nothing's landing. Or things are good, but something's off. I've been there. My husband's been there. And that's why I cannot wait for you to meet our guest today, Terry Real. He's one of the most sought-after couples therapists in the world.
His private clients pay $7,000 for a single session. And if you're gawking at that price, I'll tell you what Terry says. $7,000 is way cheaper than a divorce. Today, you're getting that same in-your-face, life-changing relationship advice for free.
If you're single or recently broken up with somebody or you're still searching for the one, everything that you're about to learn from Terry Real is going to explain exactly why none of your relationships in the past have worked.
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Chapter 2: What challenges do couples face in maintaining connection?
And he's also going to teach you what changes you need to make now so the next relationship is the most loving, fulfilling relationship of your life. He's going to walk you and I through the habits of all successful relationships and teach you exactly how to change the dynamic in your relationship. So if you feel stuck, exhausted, unseen, or quietly falling out of love, don't panic.
You're not alone. And this will be the turning point. This conversation with the number one couples therapist is the truth that could save your relationship. One of the questions I get all the time is, Mel, how do you stick to your habits when life gets busy, especially when you're having to travel?
I know you've wanted to know the simple tricks and tips that I use, and today I'm sharing three of the simple tricks and tips that I use with you. So I want you to stick around to the end of this episode for a special segment brought to you by Sheridan Hotels. Sittarin Mega-edut on täällä. Talotäynnä megalomaanisia tarjouksia. Ruokaa, juomaa, vaatteita, kosmetiikkaa, kodin elektroniikkaa.
Tule tekemään herkullisia ja tarpeellisia löytöjä. Sittari hoitaa. Yksi, kaksi, kolme, neljä... Take LähiTapiola's life insurance and rest in peace. LähiTapiola is a central life insurance company that approves life insurance. LähiTapiola, on the same side. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you're here.
It's such an honor to be together and to spend this time with you. If you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this with you, I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I cannot tell you how excited I am about today's conversation.
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Chapter 3: How can you identify when your relationship feels stuck?
I have been wanting to meet our expert for years. Today, you're getting a front row seat to a private session with the man who is considered to be one of the best couples therapists in the world. His name is Terry Real. He's the New York Times bestselling author of four books, a renowned relationship expert.
He's been doing this couples counseling for more than 30 years, and he's created an entire therapeutic model called relational life therapy used by therapists around the globe. A private session with Terry Real would cost $7,000. And today, he is here in our Boston studios for one reason, to give you his life-changing relationship advice for free.
So without further ado, please help me welcome Terry Real to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Oh my gosh, it's a thrill to be here. And bless you and thank you for the good work you're doing for the world. Terry, right back at you. Bless you and thank you for the good work you're doing in the world and for the good work you're about to help us do in our conversation today.
And here's where I want to start. How could my life be different if I take everything that you are about to teach me today, after 40 years of wisdom and work and the things that you have learned and the truths that you know, how could my life be different if I take it all to heart and I apply it to relationships and to my day-to-day life?
I'm going to tell you and listeners, viewers, the same thing I say to every single couple I am inviting you on a rarefied path. It's demanding, it's sophisticated, it's skilled, and it leaves the norms of this culture in the dust. Listen, we've never wanted more from relationships than we do right now. gone.
Our grandparents, even our parents, companion, side by side, pay the bills, raise the kids, no passion, no communication, fine, stable, good enough. That's gone. We want to walk hand in hand on the beach. We want gray sex in 70s and 80s. We want to be lifelong lovers. But we're trying to do that in the context of a culture that is not a relationship-cherishing culture.
We live in a patriarchal, and I'll go into that, individualistic culture that does not cherish relationships. I would like basic relationship skills taught in elementary school, junior high, high school. We need to know how to pull off this new ambition of being lifelong lovers. Listen, getting the love you want literally means being a pioneer.
If you're a hetero man, it means moving into vulnerability, which means deconstructing masculinity itself. Masculinity means being invulnerable. You open your heart, you are redoing what it means to be a man. As we were speaking, standing up for yourself, not with shrillness, but with love and power, is brand new work for women in this culture. As a people,
we all need in our lives to be pioneers. We don't live relationally in this culture. We are individualistic and we are patriarchal, meaning The basic model is dominance. We control. We need to trade the dominance model in for the reality of our biospheres. We are interconnected. We are interdependent. If we stay on the dominance model, we will fry this planet.
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Chapter 4: What mindset shift is necessary for real intimacy?
But just one example. It works better to ask your partner for what you want than to criticize them for what they're doing wrong. Listen, in our culture, the way we try and get more of what we want in our relationships is we share our feelings about how miserable we are that you just blew it.
That's how we try and get... That's the worst behavioral... You don't treat a dog like... How about just punishing a dog every time they get it wrong? No. I talk about three steps of getting what you want. One, this is the important one, dare to rock the boat. We're going to talk about that. Dare to tell the truth, but you have to do it skillfully.
Two, once your partner's listening, help them out.
Chapter 5: How do you effectively communicate when your partner shuts down?
Teach them what you want. I would rather you do it this way than that way, honey. Honey, with love. And then three, when they start to give it to you, reward them. Don't criticize them. Well, you did a half-assed job. Hey, you did a half-assed job. Isn't that great? Let's get the other cheek on board while we're at it.
Chapter 6: What common habits do successful relationships share?
It seems so simple. Tell the truth. Teach your partner what you want and reward them when they do it, even if it's a half-assed job. Yeah, that's the best way of getting them to do more. Criticizing them for what they're doing wrong is about the worst way of trying to get them motivated to give you more. But we don't know these basics in this culture.
You know, I'm a family therapist for 40 years. The father of family therapy was Gregory Basin, the husband of Margaret Mead. And Basin's whole work, the birth of family therapy, is what he called correcting humankind's philosophical mistake, which is that we stand apart from nature and we can control it. Both wrong. And by the way, apropos of the let them theory, control can be one up.
That tends to be more traditionally male. Sit down, shut up, and do what I tell you. Control can also be up-regulating from the one down.
Chapter 7: How can you break the cycle of repeating arguments?
That's codependent. That's enabling. That's trying, getting your partner to dot, dot, dot. That's traditionally more feminine under patriarchy. Intimacy, here's one of the first things I want to say. To really move into the intimacy we want, means nothing less than moving beyond traditional gender roles for all of us. Women have to move out of resentful accommodation, control, enabling.
Chapter 8: What steps can you take to foster vulnerability in relationships?
That's what your book is all about. And the sort of my generation's early feminists shifted from the one down traditionally feminine role to the one up traditionally masculine. I call that individual empowerment. Okay. I was weak. Now I'm strong. Go screw yourself. Yes. No, I was weak. Now I'm strong. Let's work together. We're a team. I love you. I call that relational empowerment.
And in our culture, man, that is new news. And therapy, 12-step sponsors, women's groups, men's groups, all individual empowerment. I wouldn't put up with that if I was you. Well, that's easy to say. How about roll up your sleeves? You love each other. How are you going to make this work together? So there were so many things you just said that I want to dig into.
I love this idea of relationship technology and skills that we can build. I also love that you're starting from a place of this larger container that we're all in, which is culture. I also appreciate the fact that the traditional gender roles that a, quote, man is supposed to act this way, a woman's supposed to act that way,
that those are leading to a lot of dissatisfaction in relationships on both sides. And there was something that you said that I want to make sure we unpack. And that was the term resentful accommodation. What does that mean? Ask any woman on this tree. Well, I know what it means, but I... Well, what did it mean in your life?
So resentful accommodation was... The biggest example that I can think of is that when we were in a massive financial crisis, Chris cratered. Hmm. And his confidence in himself, his ability to believe in himself, the sense that he had failed as a husband, as a father to provide, that he had lost people money. As he was collapsing, I became more and more resentful because I felt like it was my job
to then step up and save us and do what I thought should have been his job. Again, traditional gender roles that he's supposed to be the one that's the breadwinner. I'm supposed to make some money. That's our fun money. And when that didn't work, You both cratered. We both cratered. The whole marriage cratered. Yes.
And so it, the resentfulness is kind of comes from that thing of, I thought it was going to be this way and I think you owe me something and now I'm pissed. So now I'm going to go do this thing, you know, and go like make the money and get three jobs and do what I need to do. And now I'm mad because when I come home, like, The laundry's still there and all this stuff is still there.
Like you probably is a lot of the tone that you hear when you're sitting with couples. Yeah. And the interesting thing is, is that if I look at your three things, tell the truth about what you need, listen and teach somebody what you want and then reward them. And it seems so simple.
But when you're caught in that cycle of the emotion of all of it, and you start to pull away from each other, and that distance comes in, I think this is the heart of what you help people do. Well, you know, I mean, I don't mean to be heartless, but I would look at the two of you and I'd go, what a great opportunity. Which is not, I'm not an empathic therapist. You want empathy? Oh, I'm sorry.
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