Today, Mel is sharing exactly what you can do to improve the dynamic within your family.Whether it’s disagreements over politics, someone who always has to be in the center of attention, or just pressure to make the limited time fun, family get-togethers can be hard.You’ll learn Mel’s favorite tool, The Let Them Theory, to stop getting upset, bothered, or angry with your family, and what you can do instead.This episode is a masterclass in how to improve your relationships with your family, so you can create stronger, more positive, and peaceful connections.For more resources, including links to the studies mentioned in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page.To order Mel’s new book The Let Them Theory, click here.If you liked this personal episode on family dynamics and creating lasting connection, despite the differences, listen to this episode next: How To Create Better Relationships: 6 Surprising Lessons From 28 Years Of MarriageConnect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeGet Mel’s new book, The Let Them TheoryFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letterSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes Disclaimer
Chapter 1: What simple tool can improve family dynamics?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. What if I told you it was possible for you to have a much better relationship with your family, whether it's your parents or your siblings or your in-laws or your adult kids, that it is possible no matter what's happened. for you to change the dynamic with anyone in your family, even somebody with a really difficult personality.
Chapter 2: How can one person change a family dynamic?
Well, that's what you and I are gonna talk about today. We're gonna talk about a simple tool and a whole new approach to your family dynamics, whether they're good, whether they're bad, whether they're fun, whether they're sad. Whole new approach, because here's what I know. The second that you are done listening to this, you're gonna have absolutely everything you need to shift how you show up
And I'm telling you, it only takes one person in a family to change absolutely everything. And after listening to this conversation today, that person that's going to change your family is you. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you.
And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And here's what's super cool about the conversation we're going to have today. Because you hit play on this episode, I know something about you. I know that family is important to you.
And whether or not you have a great relationship with your family or a horrible relationship with your family, whether or not you're best friends with your siblings or you barely talk to them, here's what I know. You are interested in ways in learning how to be more deeply connected. You want the relationship to be stronger. And I have great news. It can happen.
And it can happen based on some simple things that you're gonna learn today, that I learned the hard way, that I've also been researching for the last couple of years. Simple tools that you can use to fundamentally shift the way you think about family and the way you show up when you are dealing with your family.
And everything that you're going to learn is going to apply to absolutely everything related to family, whether it's the family group text chat that drives you bananas or that you wish was slightly different, whether it's the dynamic when you all get together, whether it is things that's happened in the past that you can't just let go, whatever it is that's standing in your way or causing frustration or that you just wish would change.
This conversation today is going to create an entirely new possibility for you because all it takes is one person. And today you're going to learn that person is you. And what we're going to talk about is so important. It has had a huge impact on my life. I truly hope you share this episode. with your family.
In fact, if you're going to be driving somewhere over the holidays with them, just put this on in the car because it can't go anywhere. And as you're all listening, you'll probably kind of look at each other and then look ahead and kind of nod because we do wish things could be better. You deserve to have more fun. And I'm going to teach you how you can start to bring it.
So my mission today in having this conversation with you is to really help you improve your relationship with your family. Because let's start with fact number one, your family's not changing. They are who they are. You've got to learn how to let them be who they are. But here's the cool thing.
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Chapter 3: What is the Let Them Theory?
Chapter 4: How can you influence family interactions positively?
Now, the reason why I named the chapter about family, How to Love Difficult People, is because family just cuts different. I think the purpose of family in some cases is to teach you how to love people that you don't like sometimes, right? Because there are people in your family you don't like and you may never like them. But guess what?
You're still connected via that web, whether you talk to them or not. Every time there's a family group chat text and somebody texts something annoying and you roll your eyes, it's like somebody went tap, tap, tap to the web. It impacts you. So I'm gonna teach you how to accept the reality that your family's not changing. Let them.
Your power is in not managing your family or worrying about your family or being triggered by your family. Your power is in the second part of the let them theory, which is let me. Let me decide what kind of relationship I want. Let me decide what kind of daughter or son or father or mother or sister or brother I wanna be.
Because just because you've got somebody that tap, tap, taps the web and is an instigator doesn't mean you have to let it affect you. It doesn't mean you have to chime in. In fact, you're gonna learn tools today that are gonna have you look at family completely differently.
And since I wrote about this extensively in the Let Them Theory book, I want to read to you a little bit about family just so that we're on the same page about why your family can be critical and harsh. And they say things that are like, what are you doing? You know, why your parents have to step in or why somebody has to say, enough, enough. Could you just be nice?
Could you just like, can we just have fun, please? So family tends to be a lot harsher to your face because they have a stake in your happiness and in your success. I mean, it's true. If you're an interconnected web and you got somebody who is just stuck and sad and depressed and sending rippleways through it, it affects everybody because they're worried about you.
And that's why people tend to be a little bit harsher than your friends are, because your happiness or your sadness affects everybody because you're connected, which is very different than your relationship with your friends. And a lot of the time when your family cares, how do they show it? They show it by pushing you.
You know, and they don't like your friends or they think you're headed down the wrong path or they think that you could get a better job or take better care of yourself. What do they do? They freaking tell you, I know it's annoying. And most of the time, it's how your family shows you that they care. They want more for you.
They want you to be happy and they see all your potential that may be going to waste. However, When somebody says something to you about your life or your choices or they're a little judgy, it crosses the line all the time, doesn't it? It doesn't feel like care. It feels like criticism. Now, here's why this cuts deeper.
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Chapter 5: What does it mean to let them and let me?
Chapter 6: How to handle difficult family members?
It's not your job to try to control, fix, or manage someone else's emotions. It's their job. But when you're the parent or you're the step-parent and you're dealing with a child, it is your responsibility to help a child feel seen, heard, safe, and supported.
And that's why this theory is going to help you so much, because it's going to help you understand inside of this very electric and energetic dynamic of emotions and history and opinions and expectations about what the family is and who should do what and how things have already gone. What is yours to manage and what isn't? When you're an adult, you're not responsible for your mother.
You're not responsible for your father. You're not responsible for how your brother-in-law or your sister-in-law or anybody else shows up. You're responsible for you. So let them. And then focus on what do I want? Who do I want to be? Because the second you go, okay, I want my family to be more fun. I want my family to be more connected. I want my family to be more interested.
I want my family to be more supportive. Now you have the roadmap for how you show up. And when you show up in a positive way, and you're like, I'm not going to get plugged into the BS political crap that always happens. I'm not doing it. Let them. That piece and that ability to step back is another version of tap, tap, tap. But you're sending a calming wave through the entire web.
And that's the coolest thing about the let them theory is that you and I have spent years trying to change our family, managing them, feeling like it's your responsibility for your mom to be happy, for no one to feel guilty, for everything to go okay, for the right plates to be put out, for the centerpiece to look this way, for everybody to get the right present, for nobody's feelings to get hurt, to try to control your temper when the golden child gets all the attention and the grandchildren over here are the favorites.
Like that's how we've been doing it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's a whole new way to do family. And that is to see your family for who they are and let them. And then to take a step back and go, okay, well, what do I want? How do I want to show up? How do I want to bring the fun? What is it that I want to lean into? And what am I going to opt out of?
And when you start to get very clear about that, you now have a roadmap for what's in your control, which is how you show up, how you respond, how you engage, what energy you bring, what conversations you initiate, which ones you participate in, which ones you don't, that is all in your control.
And if you just stay laser focused on that, I promise you, no matter how challenging the dynamic is or anxious you may feel, you have the power to influence everything because you're part of the system and the web and you are way more powerful than you think. And the more that I have focused on how do I just bring peace? How do I bring acceptance? How do I make everybody feel the love?
How do I bring things that we can all bond over? Whether it's family Olympics or it's the puzzle we're going to lay out or it's a really fun dance mix. The more things have changed. And in fact, one of my brother-in-laws said to me like two years ago, he looked at me like right in the face. He said, you know, Mel, you've really changed. And I thought, yes, I have because I made a decision to.
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Chapter 7: What personal changes led to better family relationships?
Chapter 8: How to create more fun and connection in family gatherings?
And that's the power of your influence. This feels like a great moment to hit the pause button and let our sponsors share a few words with you. But while you're listening to them, share this with your family. Just imagine a world where everybody in your family is using let them and let me to create more acceptance and connection. How amazing would that be?
It's not only amazing, it's actually possible. And don't go anywhere because we have so much more to dig into. And I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. So stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. We're talking about how you use let them and let me to create more connection and less drama and better relationships in your family.
And I know you want that, which is why you're listening to this. Here's what I wanted to share with you next. So I'm sure you're sitting there wondering, okay, well, if you were able to change not only the family dynamic, Mel, for yourself, but also so much so that somebody in your family is commenting on it, what were you like before?
I'd probably be your worst nightmare as a sister-in-law, honestly, because I'm loud, I'm opinionated, or at least I used to be this. I'm still that way, but I really temper it. I had a lot of expectations and opinions about how things should go. And my husband's family are full of amazing people who are also very opinionated.
And so I would engage in the web of energy, which involved a lot of debating, a lot of poking and twisting. You know, it's almost like in every family, because there's dynamics between siblings, and then you bring in spouses and kids and grandkids. It's like the dynamic between the siblings starts to, again, ripple through the whole web.
And so you've got three boys, very competitive in sports, at skiing, with each other. They're all successful. except for my husband. And my husband's a successful person. I think he's the most amazing human being on the planet, but his success is not measured in money.
His success is measured in the impact he makes in the lives of the men he works with and in his work as a death doula and in who he is as a human being and how he shows up as a partner and as a father. And Chris comes from a family where the success is really celebrated in financial success. And that trickles all the way down through the generations.
And so there's always been this kind of dynamic of competition and debating and lots of drinking at the table, which would always end in tears and fighting and somebody storming off. And a lot of that changed when Chris's father died like 14 years ago.
And even though we all really like each other and I think everybody wants to be really close, there was always this like underlying, I don't know what it is, just disconnection. And I think that's true in a lot of families. That you get together and you just really want to get along. And then all the old energy comes up.
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