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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. If you're out there and you love this podcast, you'll probably love the live event that I'm doing later on this year.
If you want to join the waitlist to be the first to learn about it and to get massive discounts for my in-person event in Austin, Texas later on this year, go to freedomwaitlist.com. Once again, freedomwaitlist.com. Today, We're going to talk about perfectionism.
Listen, if you've ever called yourself a perfectionist, you need to hear this episode because that identification of quote unquote perfectionist might be the main identity that you have of yourself that's actually holding you back right now from creating the life that you want. Because have you ever noticed that, I've noticed it, that some people wear perfectionism like it's this badge of honor.
Like I've done it before. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. Like I want everything to be perfect. I'm working so hard because I'm a perfectionist. Like people say it almost like proudly, like it is a badge of honor. It's like proof that they care more. Or it's like proof that they have higher standards than everybody else. So they hold themselves to a higher standard.
It's like the reason why they think they're going to be successful. But I want to challenge that idea for a second. I've coached thousands and thousands of people. And what I've realized is that perfectionism is not excellence. It's not this destination that we're trying to get to so we can make the best product possible. Perfectionism is a mask that you wear to cover up something else.
And so we say, oh, no, well, I'm a perfectionist. That's why it's taken me so long to get my art out there. I'm a perfectionist. That's why I'm trying to create the best presentation I possibly can for my boss. Right now, perfectionism is a mask that you wear to cover up something else. And what is that something else? Almost always fear. And so behind every perfectionist is fear.
And once you really see it, you can't unsee it. And so I'm going to cover the three fears, like the three core fears underneath your perfectionism. And we can see which one is yours. And then I'm going to teach you how to actually work through it step by step after you've identified it.
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Chapter 2: How does perfectionism hold you back from success?
Because the truth is perfectionism has very little to do with trying to create something great. which is what we think. I'm trying to create something great. I want to put greatness into the world. I want something that I put out there to not just be average. I want it to be amazing.
But we act like perfectionism is the filter that you put on your art or you put on your product before it's ready for the world to see. But most of the time, what it's really about for all of us is protecting. it's trying to protect you from feeling something that probably feels uncomfortable in some sort of way. And so we don't want to feel the thing that is uncomfortable.
And so instead we unconsciously say, oh, well, perfectionism is the reason why. And so it might be protecting you from the fear of failure that you have. It might be protecting you from the fear of judgment of other people. It might be protecting you from the feeling of having to be vulnerable in some sort of way.
And the crazy thing is, like I said, the very thing that we think is our badge of honor for creating something great, believe me, I've said I'm a perfectionist in the past many, many, many times. But what we think, like the very thing that we think is our badge of honor is often the exact thing that's keeping us stuck and self-sabotaging over and over and over again.
And let me give you an example, right? Think about this for a second. Let's say you go to a friend's house and you've known this friend for like 10 years. You're pretty close to them. You go to their house for the first time and you walk into their garage to go get something. And there's these beautiful paintings everywhere. And there's just like... 40, 50 paintings.
You're like, oh my God, these are incredible. So you walk in, you're like, hey, John, whose paintings are those that you have out there? Those are amazing. And John's like, oh, those are my paintings. And you're like, you paint? I didn't even know that you painted. Like, I'm thinking maybe you told me before, but... Those things are amazing. Like, why don't you do something with them?
Why don't you sell them online? Or why don't you start an Etsy? Or why don't you open up like a pop-up where you can sell them? Or maybe you go to a farmer's market and John's like, no, no, no. Like, you know, I'm still tweaking it. Like I'm still adjusting some of them. I really don't like the lighting on. They're not perfect yet. I'm just fixing the tiny details, right?
That is what he uses to convince himself that he's a perfectionist and then none of it is ready yet. But we convince ourselves that it's not ready and we never show it to anyone. When in reality, what's really behind that is a whole lot of fear. You know, the fear of, you know, what if I do end up setting up an art show and I'm walking by and somebody, I overhear a conversation.
Someone's like, oh my God, that painting is so ugly. And now I've got to hear somebody judge my art that feels like it's a piece of my heart and soul. Or maybe somebody sees a price tag and they're in a conversation with their friend and they're like, they wanna charge $1,000 for that? I wouldn't pay 10 bucks for that ugly ass painting.
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Chapter 3: What are the underlying fears behind perfectionism?
This fear that, um, I don't know if I put it out there and it doesn't work out that I'm going to see that I'm a failure and that's my biggest insecurity. And so I'm just going to try to hide that thing away. Right. And so the fear is actually what failure might mean about you.
So we think that it's, you know, it is failure, but really what it is, is what we actually make it to mean about ourselves. It's never really what happens to us. It's always what meaning we give what happens to us. And so if you fail, that might hurt. But really what it comes down to is what are you going to make it mean about you if you quote unquote fail, right?
So that's the first thing that usually holds people back is the fear of failure. The second thing that is behind perfectionism is the fear of judgment, right? A lot of perfectionists spend their lives trying to manage other people's opinions. They edit a post 17 times before publishing it. They rewrite an email five times before sending it.
And then they put in a chat GPT to make sure that it's perfect. So they keep adjusting the project and adjusting and adjusting because maybe one more tweak will finally make everybody approve of it. But here's the problem with all of that. The finish line in this case, especially in perfectionism, it just keeps moving.
Because no matter how much you try to perfect something, somebody will still have an opinion. Perfection does not exist. And if your goal is universal approval from everybody alive, you signed up for a game that you can never win. People will only see the world through their own lens. Like, I'm sure there is one crazy person who doesn't think that Michelangelo's David is great.
They might be like, oh, it's just pretty average, right? Which if you've ever seen in person, it's insane. It's considered by many people, the greatest piece of art that's ever been made. Not everybody loves it, I'm sure. And you have to understand, if that's the case, not everyone will love you and not everyone will love what you create.
And so by saying you're perfectionist, you're trying to not open yourself up to this feeling of judgment. And then the third fear for a lot of people is vulnerability. And I think this one is actually the deepest one because perfectionism creates the illusion That if you can just make everything flawless, you'll never have to feel exposed. You'll never have to risk rejection.
You're never going to have to risk embarrassment. You'll never have to risk shame. But vulnerability, and this is something that I've really learned, especially since starting this podcast and over a decade ago and... hundreds of millions of views on all of the stuff that I've put out and being seen online. I was so afraid at the very beginning of being vulnerable.
But what I have found is that vulnerability is a core part about being a human. You cannot have courage without vulnerability. You cannot have growth in your life without vulnerability. You cannot have real true connection with another person without vulnerability. If you don't have vulnerability in your romantic relationship, you don't have real true connection.
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