Afraid to Look: The Moth Radio Hour
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What fears and anxieties does Amanda Stern share in her story?
This is the Moth Radio Hour, and I'm Katherine Burns. I'm usually a problem solver, someone who isn't afraid to jump in and talk something through until I figure it out. But occasionally, I find myself overcome by a vague angst that permeates everything, and I'm afraid to look at things too closely out of fear of what I'll uncover. Moth storyteller and beloved meditation instructor Sharon Salzberg says that fear and worry make it impossible to see our situations clearly. Without clarity, answers are hard to come by. If we want to fix things, we have to deal with our fears because they keep us from seeing the solutions. So this week, we're going to hear from storytellers who are afraid to look, but somehow manage to muster the courage to peek through their fingers and try to find their way through.
First, we're going to hear from the writer Amanda Stern. Amanda's story was recorded live at St. Anne's Church in Brooklyn Heights. This was during the pandemic, so we had a very tiny audience made up mostly of our masked and socially distant staff and crew. I just want to mention that in this story, there is some discussion of thoughts of suicide. Here's Amanda Stern live at the Moth.
Since I was a child, I've been held captive by this nameless, invisible dread. The feeling was so all-encompassing, it made routine things like coming and going feel like I was putting my life in danger.
How does Tim Manley's story explore repressed emotions?
It convinced me that if I wasn't watching her, my mom would die or disappear. I felt responsible for her safety, And this made leaving her every single morning to go to school feel unbearable, and leaving her to go to my dad's every other weekend feel like I was walking towards my own kidnapping. The only way that I could alleviate my apprehension, calm myself down, and find relief was just to avoid the hard thing and stay at home with my mom where I knew I would be safe. Nobody knew what was wrong with me. They called it homesickness, this feeling of mine, but I knew that couldn't be right because I felt it even when I was home. All I knew was that I felt defective and broken, and I secretly worried that I was crazy.
I didn't anticipate that the dread would grow as I grew and that I would bring it with me from childhood into adulthood. But that's exactly what happened. The year is 1995. I'm 25 years old. I live in a small apartment with a shower in the kitchen. Alanis Morissette is my generation's current soundtrack. I haven't left the apartment in three weeks. I don't have a job, so that's not a problem.
What cultural challenges does Anoush Froundjian face as a bride?
I don't leave the house to see friends or go to bars or do anything a 25-year-old should do. When I get hungry, I order in, but I don't get hungry because I'm thinking of killing myself. You see, Now I'm an adult, but instead of my mother being the central thing around which my dread has organized itself, it's my apartment. My apartment has become my mother. Only now, just the thought of leaving sends me to the bathroom to throw up. I worry that any small movement will set me off, so I stay as still as I possibly can. But then I worry that I'm running out of air, so I race to the window and I open it, but as soon as I stick my head out, I can feel the dread in the wind rushing towards my face, trying to murder me.
And I slam the window down and I race back to the bathroom to throw up. But this doesn't stop me from worrying that I'm running out of air, so every now and then I check. I open the apartment door, I take a couple of steps out, but nope, nope, nope, I can feel that black cloth of dread wanting to drop over my head and pull me to a grave and bury me alive in cement. And I race back to my apartment, and I always end up throwing up in the bathroom. I can't even have friends over because I'm so afraid they'll breathe all the available air and I'll die from socializing. I want a big life. I want to perform and be on stage.
What unexpected situation does Cheryl Murfin encounter at the grocery store?
I want to write books and do readings from them. I want to host dinner parties and actually attend them. But how can I do any of this when I can't even be around people?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What fears and anxieties does Amanda Stern share in her story?
0:14–1:49
2
How does Tim Manley's story explore repressed emotions?
1:49–3:28
3
What cultural challenges does Anoush Froundjian face as a bride?
3:28–5:13
4
What unexpected situation does Cheryl Murfin encounter at the grocery store?
5:13–6:27
5
How does Devan Sandiford confront his family's painful past?
6:27–6:53
6
What insights can we gain from Amanda's journey through anxiety?
6:53–8:55
7
How do Tim's and Anoush's stories illustrate the impact of cultural identity?
8:55–10:50
8
What lessons about parenting and resilience does Cheryl share?
10:50–50:55