Chapter 1: What stories of joy and dreams are shared in this episode?
This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Sarah Austin Janess. Storytellers find the moth, and we find storytellers, sometimes in strange and curious ways. One spring day, I got a text from my friend Faith Saley, a former storyteller. She said, I've just met a man named Jordy Ponce. You should talk with him about telling a moth story. But time is of the essence. So I called Jordy.
Jordy, do you remember our first phone call? And what were you thinking?
I have been a longtime moth listener. And to actually meet you, I was shocked.
Jordy and I worked on his story together for weeks, and he told it live at our yearly Moth main stage in collaboration with Greenwood Cemetery in front of 800 people. His story gives context for this episode, which is called Still Existing and Bucket Listing. Here's Jordy Ponce live at the Moth.
I'm a psychologist by profession, and when I tell people that, they either do one of two things. They clam up, or then they start spilling their guts. And I've always been kind of analytical, cerebral. I like figuring people out. I like helping people. And so it's been a really good fit for me.
And in 2022, I got the opportunity of a lifetime with a job offer to work at the esteemed Moffitt Cancer Center, where I would get to help cancer patients go through all aspects of their cancer journeys. I was so excited. And about two weeks before my start date, I thought to myself, Jordy, you really ought to get this stomachache checked out that has been kind of lingering.
And so I drove myself one morning to an ER because it felt like my organs were about to explode. Actually, I drove myself first to a dentist appointment because those are a real pain to reschedule. And then I drove myself to the ER. I'm responsible. I'm responsible. And I thought it was just gonna be something easy like colitis, pancreatitis, gingivitis, something just needed a pill.
But the doctor came back in and he looked really nervous and he started making weird small talk like, where's your family? How quickly could they get here? And I was like, this is not good. And then he seemed to be getting more and more nervous, and finally he came out with it. He said, Jordy, we found what appears to be cancer throughout your liver. And I was like, what?
And then I distinctly remember him breathing a sigh of relief and saying, oh, I just hate delivering life-changing news like this. And being a psychologist, of course, I said, I thought you did great. How do you feel about it?
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Chapter 2: How does Jordie Poncy's story reflect living in the moment?
I quickly started chemo, my hair fell out, I lost more weight. My friends did that amazing thing they do where they all shaved their heads in solidarity, but it was actually annoying because they all looked awesome in their buzz cuts, and I have the skull apparently of a Pachyosaurus dinosaur that's sort of bulbous and misshapen, so it didn't have the intended effect exactly.
I spent my days getting chemo, recovering from chemo on my parents' couch, and pretty much moaning under a blanket with existential dread. I mean, if you can imagine my parents going about their business throughout their day in the house, and from under a blanket, muffled sighs of, I feel like a ghost, I'm not alive anymore, and I really hope there's an afterlife. I was scared.
The only thing that brought me any solace was torturing my father with morbid humor. One day we were driving in the car, he was driving, and I tilted my passenger chair back and I said, dad, let's pretend like this is my death bed, okay? And I kind of half closed my eyes and I coughed a little for effect and I said, Dad, Dad, I'm drifting toward the light. This is your chance.
Tell me, what do you want to get off your chest? And he said, I'm trying to drive. I'm not playing this game. And I said, Dad, this is it. Unburden yourself with all your personal and family dark secrets. And he said, I'll tell you a secret. Don't ever pull this stunt with your mother. I thought that was pretty good advice. She was a little more emotionally labile than we were at this point.
So yeah, time trudged on and I entered a really dark place. I was super depressed and hopeless with everything we had learned. And it was interesting to observe myself as a psychologist going through this because I had definitely underestimated the paralyzing weight of depression and hopelessness. You know, as a psychologist, I'd always been warm, compassionate, connecting.
I got good results with my clients. But honestly, I think I was a little low on the empathy scale because I hadn't experienced anything quite like this before. And I was a little annoyed with myself at times when we would ask clients or patients to activate and do things, I didn't realize what a big ask that was until now.
More time went by, and eventually, the doctors and the scans said, you know, your tumors aren't going anywhere, Jordi, but they are shrinking, and I did start to have some better days. And one day, I was pulling groceries out of the back of the car, and boom, I was hit with this epiphany. Jordy, you're still alive. And I know that sounds kind of obvious, but to me, it wasn't.
I had felt like I was not part of the living, so focused on treatment and chemo and cancer. And I thought, I'm just as alive as anybody else is today, at least. How can I make this day worth living? And I've been a longtime admirer of Viktor Frankl, who is a psychologist who founded Logotherapy, and he was a survivor of concentration camps.
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Chapter 3: What unexpected challenges does Mike Sela face during his daughter's birthday?
And there, in that harsh environment, he noticed that people who tended to do the best physically and mentally were people who had a sense of meaning and purpose in their everyday lives, especially when that was focused on helping others. And I had missed that for my days in psychology, and so I thought, maybe I should think about this job.
But every time I had contacted Moffitt Cancer Center, I'd been terrified because I thought, how can I do this job when I can hardly get through it myself? So I sat down with my former supervisor, Lisa, who is one of the most direct and intelligent people that I know. And I gave her a whole dissertation about why I shouldn't take the job. There would be countertransference.
I'd freak the patients out. They'd freak me out. No one could concentrate. And she let me finish. And then she said, Jordi, you're scared. You need to get your act together and take this job because you're gonna be able to offer something that rarely people can, which is both your analytical skills, your clinical skills, but also the empathy you're building for going through this experience.
And Lisa had always called me boundaried. And that meant I didn't share a lot about myself, which was true in counseling. And she was asking me or nudging me to practice in a different way to be really open with my story. And I said, oh, Lisa, I thought you were going to let me off the hook here.
And she just gave me a signature Lisa eye roll, which is a badge of honor if you've ever received one. It's like the Paul Hollywood handshake of psychologists. So I started at Moffitt, and my first day, I was terrified. I went to trainings, I shook people's hands, I met new people, I smiled, but I was panicking inside.
I mean, literally, I hid in an office space to have a panic attack, only that space had a glass wall I didn't realize, so people could walk by and see the new guy just hyperventilating in a room by himself. It was not a great start. Finally, I met with my first patient and I had rehearsed my intro speech. It was, hi, I'm Jordy Ponce.
I'm a psychologist here at Moffitt, but you may see me at chemo or in waiting rooms because I'm also a patient. And she burst into tears. And I was like, oh no, I have broken this woman in a vulnerable place. And she said, no, no, no, actually, It's fantastic. These are tears of relief because I can finally talk to someone who understands what it's like to sit in this chair.
You know, my family try as they might. They're great. They just don't quite understand. And then I talked to the next person and the next person and the next. And I started seeing more and more reactions of the same nature. And I realized a lot of these patients want someone in the trenches with them who's going to get it.
You know, someone who's not going to placate them or tell them everything's going to be okay or... This is surprisingly common, but when you tell someone you have cancer, one of their first reactions is to immediately tell you about a great aunt who died of the exact same cancer you have. So someone who wasn't going to do that, at the very least.
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Chapter 4: What lessons does Samantha Williams learn from whitewater rafting?
This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Sarah Austin Janess, and this episode is all about bucket lists. My mother used to tell me, put some lipstick on and get out there. I don't wear lipstick, but I have always tried to get out there. And our next storyteller got out there too, somewhat unwillingly. Mike Sela told this on stage in San Francisco at a Moth Grand Slam. Here's Mike.
So a few years ago, my daughter was home for the summer from college, and we decided to go to Disneyland for a few days, where we did a few things that really brought me joy. One, a bunch of the roller coasters there have cameras that take a picture at the scariest moment. And my shtick that I've done for years is that I like to do a big exaggerated yawn right when they take the picture.
So you see them, and everyone looks really scared, and there I am in the middle, just aggressively bored. And Parker did it with me, which really pleased me very much. And I learned about her. I learned that one of the things on her bucket list is that she wants to go skydiving one day. And I thought, wow, that makes one of us weirdo. Because I have a big fear of heights.
I'm uncomfortable on a ladder, let alone walking off of an airplane voluntarily. But I took this thought and I stored it away. And a few days later, I'm chatting with my wife. And somehow, the words that came out of my mouth were, we should all go skydiving for Parker's birthday. When what I was thinking was, I will get out of this somehow.
But her birthday was months away, and I thought, this is a problem for Future Mike, and I pushed all my fear down into my bowels. A few months later, Future Mike wakes up, and it's skydiving day. And I'm Future Mike. And my bowels are very unhappy. But I drive us to the Watsonville Airport, and we check in for our skydiving appointment.
And there's a bunch of forms to fill out that very specifically list all the different types of death and dismemberment that you promise not to sue them for. And then we meet our skydiving partners, because when you go skydiving for the first time, you don't do that by yourself. You don't even get a parachute.
Your skydiving instructor puts a parachute on their back, and they strap you to their front like a big baby Bjorn. So it's not like you're really skydiving. You're just the luggage of someone who is skydiving. And we meet our instructors, and they're very chill dudes. Mine is named Stefan. He's like one part snowboarding instructor, one part Top Gun, like two part sunglasses.
And we go through the training, which is just like explaining how to be good, polite luggage. And then they take us out to the runway to see the group in front of us and a small plane pulls up and two instructors and two skydivers get in the back and the plane starts to taxi away and they don't even bother closing the door. One dude's leg is just casually dangling out the door.
And this is where I really start to flip out. I mean, there was a leg dangling. I've been in airplanes and normally when my airplanes taxi, I'm not even allowed to have my tray table down. Let alone part of me hanging out the airplane. So I turned to Parker and my wife and I say, hey, how are you guys feeling? And they're fine, they're happy, they're excited like psychopaths.
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Chapter 5: How does Eric Schur's journey to Pixar unfold?
The kayakers are telling us there's nothing we can do until they can get us over into the side of the river bank. And we notice that someone in the water starts having an asthma attack. This is a black woman who has started to turn purple. She cannot breathe, and I start noticing that my side really hurts, but she's purple, so I gotta keep it quiet, but my side really hurts.
So we go over one more rapid. They start to try to, Farai pulls me onto the top of the raft, then pulls herself up. We get the woman who's having the asthma attack onto the top of the raft. Another rapid. It's still coming over every time. I'm sure it's the end for me, because at this point, I'm just swallowing water. There's really nothing you can do.
And then I started to notice the blood on my side is starting to grow a little bit. Her asthma attacks upside, so I feel like I can speak up now. I'm like, hey, I'm bleeding, and it hurts a lot. And then, I don't know if any of y'all have ever been hysterical, but it turned from like, hey, I'm bleeding, to screaming. Y'all, I think something happened to me, too. Another rapid, another rapid.
To keep it to five, y'all, we went over nine more rapids before they could finally corral us over to the side of the river. So we get to the side of the river. They're finally able to call the emergency helicopter. We get helicopter evacuated. See the falls again. I feel them brush my face. Spent the night in the hospital. The next day, finally released.
I had missed all this luscious chub, hadn't made sure that no organs or bones got broken, but I was deeply bruised and decided that I will never, ever again go whitewater rafting, but I will go anywhere in the world with Farai.
Samantha Williams is the executive director of Birmingham Promise, an organization in Alabama that helps young people achieve economic security and prosperity. She's the auntie of three little boys. And since the trip in the story, she and those same friends have traveled across South Africa, back to Zimbabwe and to Australia. But she says, quote, I've never done something that crazy since.
So, Jordy, OK, what did you think of Samantha's story?
What really stood out to me and something I've learned on this bucket listing journey is that it is a team sport and people have come to help me do it. And I haven't done any of these things alone. And so I loved how she was in on it to help her friends, even though it could have put her in mortal peril and did.
So. So.
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