The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Tue, 15 Apr 2025
Subscribe: https://www.youtube.com/@Oprah BUY THE BOOK! "It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life" by Jillian Turecki, published by HarperOne, is available wherever books are sold: https://www.jillianturecki.com/book Jillian on Love: https://lnk.to/jillianonlove Are you hitting a wall in your relationships? Are you still looking for “the one”? It is our relationships that determine our happiness in life and reflect back our relationship with ourselves. That essential truth is the core belief of renowned relationship coach Jillian Turecki, Oprah's guest on this episode of "The Oprah Podcast." Jillian’s insightful, no-nonsense relationship advice is on this episode as she breaks down her new book, "It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life." She also shares her revelations as a relationship coach and from hosting over 150 episodes on her hit podcast, "Jillian on Love." Jillian also opens up about her often contentious relationship with her father, famed psychologist Dr. Stanley Turecki, whose groundbreaking book, "The Difficult Child," was somewhat based on his experience with Jillian as a child. Finally, Oprah and Jillian take questions from people looking to foster more love and connection in their lives. Follow Oprah Winfrey on Social: https://www.instagram.com/oprah/ https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey/ Listen to the full podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/0tEVrfNp92a7lbjDe6GMLI https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-oprah-podcast/id1782960381 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who is Jillian Turecki and what is her philosophy on relationships?
You know and what your true wisdom has always been. My guest today says, our relationships determine our happiness in life. Well, isn't that just the truth? And if you're like me, if my relationships are out of whack or not in a good place, then everything else is off kilter. Like when you have an argument with somebody who's close to you and you love, it throws everything else off.
And there is no happiness without first taking care of our relationships. And so I'm so happy that Jillian Tarecki, who is a certified relationship coach, a teacher and host of the hit podcast, Jillian on Love, almost 3 million of you are following her advice on Instagram. Well, Jillian, wrote a book, her very first book called It Begins With You.
The nine hard truths about love that will change your life. So, welcome to the Tea House.
Thank you for having me. Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves. Period. End of story.
Julian Turecki is a rising star in relationship advice.
And it is not your job to try to convince someone to be ready for you or to choose you.
Her smart, no-nonsense guidance is resonating with a growing loyal audience.
Some relationships don't work out because you both were too immature to make it work out.
Her Book It Begins With You was an instant New York Times Bestseller. Her hit Podcast Jillian on Love is being called one of the best relationship podcasts. And she is the daughter of renowned psychiatrist Dr. Stanley Turecki, whose 1985 book The Difficult Child was once considered the definitive work on dealing with what were then called hard to raise children.
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Chapter 2: What were the major personal challenges that shaped Jillian Turecki's journey?
Und dann wurde es bestätigt. Und so kam ich heim. Und ich texte ihn, was für eine Zeit du heute heim wirst. Und er sagte, ich werde bei meinen Eltern bleiben. Und ich sagte, und ich wusste in meinen Beinen, in meinem Körper, dass er fliehen würde. And I said, well, what do you mean?
And then I called him and what ensued was a conversation where he was basically telling me that we are on two different paths. Und ich war ein bisschen hysterisch, weil ich dachte, du kannst es nicht so machen. Du kannst es nicht so machen. Das ist sehr falsch. Ich habe immer gesagt zu ihm, es ist nicht die richtige Sache zu tun und du wirst es regretten.
Und du bist derjenige, der das für den Rest deines Lebens leben muss. Aber er hat nie, ja, haben wir uns wieder gesehen? Sicher. Aber kam er immer wieder nach Hause? Nie wieder.
Wow. And you felt what?
Devastation. Devastation. I remember having this thought. Oh, this is what it means when someone says that their world has completely fallen apart. This is what it means when everything falls apart.
Your mom's been given three months to live with terminal cancer. You've had your third miscarriage and your husband says, I'm not coming home. Yes. And it's just not working out for me. Had you sensed that it wasn't working?
We had problems. Mm-hmm. Ich habe immer gesagt, dass bevor wir verheiratet waren, war unsere Beziehung um 90 Prozent groß und um 10 Prozent sehr problematisch. Nun, du könntest sagen, das ist eine ziemlich gute Statistik. Aber die 10 Prozent, die problematisch waren, waren sehr problematisch. Die Dinge, die ich heute nie ignorieren würde.
So, people think that when they get married, their problems are going to go away.
That the marriage is going to heal that thing.
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Chapter 3: How did Jillian's relationship with her father impact her understanding of love?
These are not the children who need to be hospitalized for behavioral stuff. They kind of teeter that line. And every time I made a mistake or every time I was... Ich glaube, dass wir bestimmte Nervensysteme haben, in denen wir geboren sind. Und das kann in der Wunde beginnen. Und einige Menschen sind einfach mehr sensitiv als andere.
Chapter 4: What does 'The Difficult Child' mean and how did it relate to Jillian's childhood?
Und wenn du ein Kind bist und du hast einen hohen Degree von Sensitivität, dann ist es wichtig, dass du dich nicht nur in der Wunde befindest, sondern auch in der Wunde. Du weißt nicht und du hast keine emotionale Regulierungskunst. Die einzigen emotionale Regulierungskunst, die du lernst, sind die von Mama und Vater. Das stimmt. Und meine Eltern hatten eine schreckliche Beziehung.
Und du schreibst auf Seite 214, ich war ein sehr sensibeles Kind, das seine Dunkelheit so intensiv fühlte, dass es mich zerstörte. Und du sprichst über deinen eigenen Vater. Was war die Dynamik zwischen dir und deinem Vater?
Mein Vater war ein sehr komplizierter Mann. Er hat viel mit Bipolarschäden kämpft, eine sehr schwere Form von Bipolarschäden, die ich als Kind nicht beurteilt hatte.
Also wusste du nicht, dass es Bipolarschäden gab? Nein, und auch nicht, dass er es hatte. Ja, und du hast also nur all diese Mood-Schwingungen, die du nicht beurteilen kannst. Die du nicht beurteilen kannst. Ja. Und? Was hat das für eine Beziehung für die beiden von euch gemacht?
Also ich habe seine Moods sehr intensiv gefühlt und er hat mich gefreut. Er hat mich nie an die Hand gelegt. But his energy was very dark and very unpredictable because I saw more of the serious depressive side. And he was a psychiatrist, so he was very brilliant, so he had a very analytical mind. And he was never present, he was always in his head.
And so I would pick up on the tension that he had in his body. And then he was unavailable, like you couldn't ever really reach him.
Ja, und wenn du ein Kind bist, wirst du das auf dich selbst beurteilen. Als Kind hast du nicht die Sprache, um zu erklären, oh, das ist eine bipolare Sache, die passiert und er ist nie präsent. Er ist nicht mit jemandem präsent. Du denkst, der Grund, warum er sich so weit entfernt, entfernt und geschlossen fühlt, ist wegen mir.
Yes, something I'm doing wrong.
And you write on page 138, Inside all of us is a child who desperately yearns to be loved by a partner the way a parent would ideally love us, and that is unconditionally. And that's what every relationship is actually seeking. Did you and your father ever find peace?
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Chapter 5: How does Jillian explain the connection between our childhood and adult relationships?
wie man die Beziehung mit sich selbst fortführen kann, nicht nur durch Yoga, sondern auch in der Art und Weise, wie sie denken, besonders in ihren Beziehungen.
Okay, und das ist, wo »It Begins With You« herkommt. Ja. Okay, und ich liebe diese Idee, die Sie auf Seite 138 erwähnt haben. Lassen Sie mich es mit Ihnen alle wieder erzählen. Innerhalb von uns ist ein Kind, das designt wünscht, von einem Partner geliebt zu werden, so wie ein Vater uns idealerweise lieben würde, und das unabhängig. Und bevor wir angefangen haben,
Our conversation that you all are seeing, when we were getting miked up here, I asked Jillian if she was familiar with another world-known therapist named Harville Hendricks, wrote a book called Getting the Love You Want. And that book...
redefined for me what having a relationship or being in a relationship was because in 1988 on the Oprah show he said every relationship that you're seeking you're seeking to heal the relationship that you had with your parents the dominant parent or guardian in your life and that the people that show up in your life in your personal relationships are there and
As triggers, as resources, as reminders for what you got and also for what you didn't get.
In childhood, there are certain nurturing needs that are not satisfied in the best of families and by the best of parents.
So, I mean, that is what... Und das hat meine Beziehung wirklich gerettet. Es hat die Art und Weise geändert, wie ich in meiner Beziehung mit Stedman gearbeitet habe und in all meinen Beziehungen, wenn ich erinnere, dass Leute daraus kommen. Alle versuchen einfach nur zu heilen und einen Unabhängigen Weg zu finden, um geliebt zu werden.
Und dein Partner repräsentiert immer einen Teil dessen, was nicht geheilt wurde. Ja. Dein Mann repräsentierte also wen für dich?
Mein Mann repräsentierte meinen Vater. Und hier ist das interessante. They looked totally different, their personalities were wildly different. So their energy was different. But my husband would shut down. I felt, it's the familiar, it's how I felt in my body was so familiar, I didn't even recognize it.
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Chapter 6: What advice does Jillian offer for healing from past relationship trauma?
Ich reise wirklich exzessiv und besuche die Welt und versuche Erlebnisse, aber ich verbringe auch viel Zeit mit meiner Familie hier in der Valle, wo alle meine Brüder sind und meine Eltern leben, also sind wir alle sehr nah hier. Und nur recently, weil ich das gemacht habe, habe ich wieder getreut, weil ich von meiner letzten Beziehung heilt, also weiß ich, dass ich bereit bin.
But it has been challenging. I've done a few meet-ups and a few dates, but through those dates and those experiences, I've kind of felt nothing. And I sort of miss that sort of genuine connection or that genuine fire that comes along with meeting somebody new and the excitement that comes along with that. I just kind of haven't found that or haven't felt that.
And I tend to be very picky, though, right? And... So I sort of feel like is my pickiness mean that I'm sort of my own worst enemy. You know, I want to want to meet somebody great, feel that excitement, go deep, get vulnerable, do all the important things and get into a great relationship. But I just and I know I'm enough, but I just don't know if maybe I'm not ready or if I'm not feeling it.
And I just I don't feel anything. So, you know, what do you think? And that's sort of my question is, is, you know. Is being picky and waiting a good thing? What are your thoughts on all this?
I have a few thoughts. I would imagine it's true that you really value adventure and novelty in life. Is that a big thing for you? Because you just said that you're going on a lot of adventures.
I think novelty and, you know, my job is really, can be stressful. I've actually summited Everest four times, Mount Everest, and I guide clients there.
Okay, so, oh boy. So, yes, so you do, you're not someone who is playing it safe. You're not the person who lives your life playing it safe. I mean, you're a professional skier. You climbed Mount Everest four times. Ich meine, das ist nicht jemand, ja, aber das ist nicht, ja, okay, also das ist nicht jemand, der eine sichere Leben lebt. Und so suchst du für das Feuer.
Also oftmals, wenn wir jemanden, der Werte auf einem hohen Niveau, Erlebnisse, Novelität, vielleicht ein bisschen Risiko, vielleicht ein bisschen Gefahr haben. What we're also drawn to in relationships is a lot of that fire.
And sometimes, not always, but you can verify this for me, sometimes what that can lead to is maybe a lot of relationships or relationships that feel like a roller coaster or a lot of fighting, maybe a lot of physical passion, but then just a lot of fighting and ups and downs. Is that your experience?
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Chapter 7: What insights does Jillian share about rebuilding love after divorce?
But, you know, somebody that lives a life of similar adventure or a non-traditional job where they can work remotely has been a fit for me.
But you said you're too picky. You're too picky, right? So here would be... This is my advice to you. I... I would never suggest that anyone pursue a relationship with someone with whom they don't feel any chemistry. But I think you should have a lot of dates where you are really sitting down with someone and really getting to know someone.
Because one of the things that's really hard to distinguish is the difference between lust and love. And when we feel a lot of that fire and that feeling, you know, you said you're very laid back. So you may be going for like the fiery type and you're leading with that feeling. And I don't want you to not have any chemistry, but I want you to make a deeper connection.
And sometimes that deep connection doesn't come on the first date. It just doesn't come. And if you're looking for the immediate fireworks and if you don't feel it, then you write someone off, then yes, I would say to you that your pickiness is not an indication that you're not ready, but it is an indication that this is one way in which you might be standing in your own way. So,
I would actually give women who you think are pleasant and nice more of a chance. And instead of being in the position of vetting them, they have to have the same lifestyle as me, I have to feel that fire, all these things. I want you instead to try to make a connection with another human being. Vielen Dank.
That lands pretty well. Because it's true. I mean, a lot of people sort of look at me and say, well, you're doing this, you're doing that. You've been up on Everest three or four times. Like, you know, what does your wife think of this? And it's like, well, first of all, I don't have a wife yet.
But at the same time, I know people in my same profession that do have families and I know it's possible.
Yeah. You could very easily have a wife that would be so happy to see you when you returned home and not interested in making the trek with you. That's very, very, very doable.
Yes, absolutely. Who accepts you for who you are and you accept her for who she is, but she doesn't have to be doing it with you. And I think that's where you maybe need to expand your mind a little bit.
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Chapter 8: How can people better understand and improve their relationships starting with themselves?
You can start talking to people and you never know, you could meet a woman whose cousin is Whose cousin's kid, you know, whatever, whose cousin is just recently divorced or you just never know what's going to happen. And I often say, like, if you're not going to do the apps, totally fine. Expand your circle. Start talking to people. Put yourself, get yourself off the couch.
It's not going to happen on your couch. And get yourself out there. And even if you go with just one friend and you sit at the bar and start talking to people and start making connections. And because then you never know. And that's a very organic way for it to happen. But it's also you being proactive.
And you say, I'm going to put myself out there more without it having to be this, you know, swiping and going on a date and having that sort of that tension and that rigidity around it. And so that's how I would start. Amen. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. Go for it.
Go for it.
Okay, I'm ready.
I'm ready. Thank you. Thanks, Tamara. Next we have Megan and Mike from Long Island. Megan and Mike are former clients of Jillian's who worked with her for three years. Megan, you say Jillian saved your marriage. How did she do that? Y'all are in different rooms or different cities? Yes.
Different cities right now. I'm in New York, he's in Las Vegas. Yeah, Jillian saved our marriage in so many ways. When we started working with Jill, it was very much either we go for divorce or we try to fix this. We were that dire. It was kind of hit ahead in that sense. And so when we started working with Jill, she did so much work on us really becoming a team.
But I think for me personally, one of the biggest things we worked on was taking responsibility for my part in our issues instead of just putting a lot of the blame on Mike and really working on ourselves separately to then come back together and work on our marriage together. And I think that was something that I never really thought about. I just thought, we just need to fix this.
He needs to fix these things versus... We need to work on ourselves separately too.
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