Chapter 1: What are Brett and Alice's thoughts on the recent football playoffs?
All right, everybody, welcome to another episode of The Prosecutors After Dark. It's dark here in prosecutor's land, and we're still here. I'm Brett. Roll Tide, Alice.
And I'm Alice.
Yeah, there you go.
Sorry, I cut you off, but that may be a feature, not a bug. Oh, sorry about that.
Right in the heart. But it's okay. It's okay.
It is. It is. Your elephant-shaped heart.
My elephant-shaped heart. Roll Tide, Alice. I know you enjoyed the football game this weekend.
Look, that was some good footballing. Only because Auburn, they are able.
Auburn won yet another moral victory.
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Chapter 2: How did Alice's Thanksgiving experience turn into a unique story?
Come on over. That's all that matters. I mean, let's be clear.
And that was a crazy stat, though. What did they say? Like, between the two teams, 92 of the kids had played against each other in Alabama. Yeah. Like, that's kind of amazing. But you love it. That gets you in the feels. Yeah.
You know.
Because they were all like hugging.
Oh, yeah.
They haven't known each other their whole lives. They've all grew up playing ball together.
The fans hate each other much more than the players do. Than the players. And the players could. A lot of them, they could have gone to either place. And it was just like. Right. Absolutely. Which school had a scholarship.
They played each other in high school. They were on the same teams.
We used to have a player who had like a big Auburn tattoo because he'd grown up a huge Auburn fan, but he went to Alabama.
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Chapter 3: What humorous incidents occurred during Alice's Thanksgiving preparations?
It is terrible for people's brains. Sacrifices have to be made. My kids will not be playing it because they're too small and their brains are going to be too weak for it. But it is the most exciting game to watch.
And the NFL, because of how it's structured, has a pretty good way of determining a champion. You've got 32 teams. They play each other. They play in the Super Bowl. That's great, right?
Yeah.
And most sports have a pretty good way of determining a champion. But football, especially college football, is uniquely situated in a place where it's basically impossible to have a good way to figure out a champion. Because think about it. Like, basketball... Frankly, the NCAA tournament's kind of eh.
But nevertheless, a lot of times you'll have sports that have series, and you have to win best two out of three. That's a really good way to figure out who's best because fluky games don't necessarily decide series and everything else.
This is one-hit wonder, man.
Yeah, you can't do that in football because of all the reasons you just said. You just can't play that much. And you have so many teams, and they're from all over the country, and they play these completely different schedules, and they're not standardized at all. I mean, you have teams like Ohio State. Ohio State, who's obviously a very good team, captain, if you're listening.
OH, yeah, yeah, whatever. Very good team. They played two games this year. They played Texas in the first game. They were ranked. And then they played Michigan in the last game, and they were ranked. And that's it. Everybody in between there was just like Cupcake Central. But that's just how their schedule fell out. They didn't have to play Oregon. They didn't have to play USC.
They didn't have to play any of the good teams in the Big Ten. It's like, how does that compare? How do you know? Anyway, so we've come up with this wackadoodle way of doing it with this new playoff of 12 teams. But the problem is, we have the dumbest people in the world. on the committee trying to figure this out. I mean, they are complete and utter morons. They have no idea what they're doing.
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Chapter 4: What are the details of Brett's quirky doctor's advice?
Chicken and turkey are not high in saturated fat. They're just not. Like, there's not a world... No, no, they're not. ...in which eating a baked potato is better for you... No, it's not. ...than having a boiled chicken.
It can't possibly be right. It can't possibly be right. She's not going to like my freezer with a half-can right now.
Yeah, and she's like... So, basically, her thing is, like, no meat at all. No dairy at all. And it's not for some sort of, like, ethical reason. It's just this is what she... That's what's bad. If we just stopped eating fish...
Aren't there documentaries about people who do this and only eat berries and die at 25?
Well, she has a whole list of books and documentaries she wants you to watch that are all about why you shouldn't eat meat at all. And I'm just always like... I mean, my position is... Yeah, what do you say? Because you eat us. I'm always like, okay. You eat me. I'm always like, you know, I get what you're saying, but not really me. Like, I am going to continue to eat. So maybe we could work.
And she's always like, well, you know, I'd rather you read this book and learn why you shouldn't eat meat, but I'll put you on a statin instead. I'm like, okay. You know, like, whatever. But I don't know. It's just like... That's bizarre.
I remember this now because when I asked you if you had a doctor because I was looking for a doctor, you told me about her and I was like, I don't know that we'd get along.
And, you know, the other thing, like, the physical is so basic. Like, she basically listens to my heart, listens to my breathing, and we're good. And I'm kind of like, you know, I don't know. I feel like maybe listen to some more things.
Maybe make sure my stomach and intestines are in the right place.
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Chapter 5: How does Brett's doctor view nutrition and health?
My little boy, yesterday, he woke up and he was like, I had the best dream last night. And I was like, oh, what made your dream so great? And he goes, well, Nyla was in it. Nyla's the name of my dog. Oh.
And I was like, oh, God. No. Oh, God. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Oh, gosh. I know.
Kids kill you. They really do. They really do kill you.
But anyways, so Sophie, she says that Lockjaw scared her so bad. That was like quicksand. It was tetanus. I don't know what it was about tetanus in particular.
I don't even exactly know what lockjaw was, but I was like, I'm going to be stuck in quicksand and my jaw is going to be stuck open and that's going to be how I die.
Like if you stepped on a nail, like you're going to get tetanus.
And it was immediate. Immediate, you're going to get it and then sink into a...
And honestly, I don't even know. I don't know anything about tetanus. I got the vaccine. Do you die if you get it? Or is it just really uncomfortable? Because in my mind, tetanus and rabies were right next to each other. But rabies, you die. But growing up, I thought if you got either one of those diseases, you died. Agreed. Agreed. And I have no idea if that's true or not.
If you get tetanus, I don't know if you die or not. And they're both similar in that if you step on a nail, you can still get the vaccine and you're fine. Just like if you're bit by a rabid dog, you can still get the vaccine and you're fine. But at some point, I guess you can't because then you have it. Once it takes effect.
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Chapter 6: What surprising insights does Brett share about diabetes and diet?
Do you die then? I mean, I don't know.
Yeah, I guess so. I guess you do. Man, that's crazy. There was a story I was going to tell, but I forget now.
i don't know baby britney she's not a baby anymore it says the darndest things so i was trying she was saying something and i just oh i used to write them down whenever i i know that's why i have to tell them on these things because this is going to be my like living journal of these sorts of stories because i will forget everything that they say but it is very very i was thinking 20 years we're still doing this we're gonna look back on these videos when we're all sexy and young
No, we'll be like, oh, in fact, we weren't really tired back then. We look way better now after having slept. Yeah, I've been woken up by some variation of kids at 4 a.m. for the last four days. Once you start sleeping again after having a baby and then you get woken up in the middle of the night. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst. It's like you can't do it again.
I can't remember what we're calling my newest daughter. What are we calling her? Braless? Braless, yes. Braless has been very difficult lately when it comes to sleep.
I heard. Because I got to have lunch with Mrs. Brett today.
That's right. And it's rough. I need my beauty sleep.
Well, so I think she's going through what Allison is going through, which is immense teething. Did I tell you I took him to two emergency doctors? Oh, wow, really? Yeah, because I was like, surely something is wrong, because he, this is, like, not normal. Screaming his face off, I was about to get on an airplane, so I was like, I have to take him to the doctor.
Like, something is horribly wrong with him. He is fine. He's growing eight teeth at one time. Literal eight teeth are erupting at the same time. He has what is supposedly common, eruption cysts, which is exactly what it sounds like, fluid-filled balls in your mouth. But his were so big, it was like a balloon, he couldn't close his mouth.
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Chapter 7: How does the conversation shift to holiday traditions and Christmas movies?
Not him. And Mrs. Claus is like, yes, Santa. I can't remember Santa's actual name. It's our son, Ben. So Ben had gone to Santa school and had been the greatest student to ever go through Santa school. Now, if you're thinking the same thing I am, which is, What exactly does Santa's school entail? Is it like a university?
What does it entail?
Eating cookies? Does it have multiple classes? Drinking milk? Is it like years-long training? Is it like a few hours? But anyways, he had been the greatest student to ever come through Santa's school. But... After he graduated, he put down the beard and left and went to Boston, right? He abandoned Santa Ing and went to Boston.
So, of course, our heroine, who needs a Santa, she goes off to Boston to find him. Well, it turns out he's a writer in Boston. And so she goes to this deli and she's like, Your dad broke his arm and we need a Santa and you're the only one. He's like, I can't do it. I have written down Santa-ing forever. And the thing is, he's like, I have to write. I have to focus on my writing.
I can't do Santa-ing.
Santa works like one month a year.
Exactly. But anyways, but then he's like, and I'm always here in between rides. And she's like, what do you mean rides? Well, it turns out he's an Uber driver. And he goes to this cafe and he like rides until he gets a ride share request. And he has to go jump in his car and drive off. And I'm like, this is the, what are you talking about? That's like the worst possible way to write.
We're getting, you know, interrupted by... ubers anyways so she eventually gets him to go back you know he goes back to Santa school and sort of remembers all things anyways obviously eventually he decides And the thing is, it's never revealed. It's not like what tragedy or horrific event occurred that led him to where he couldn't even be Santa for 10 minutes in the parade.
Like, that would be too much for him. But he eventually overcomes that. He becomes Santa. And, of course, he moves back to run the Santa school and realizes he can run the Santa school and write at the same time. And so they end up living there happily ever after.
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