402. Why trauma bonding feels so much like love ...
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What is a trauma bond and how is it misunderstood?
Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Speck and welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. I just want to let you know before we get into this episode that we are going to be discussing some intense subject matter today to do with physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, that sort of thing. So if that is something that you're particularly sensitive to or you don't really want to hear somebody talking about today, just giving you a heads up so you can skip this episode or maybe come back to it at a later time when you are feeling, you know, maybe in a more stable place. There will be some links to some resources and some assistance in the show description as well.
Let's get into it. Today, we are talking about trauma bonds. And no, not two people who bond through hardship, because I hate to break it to you. That is actually not a trauma bond. We are talking about a powerful kind of connection that forms between two people when one person manipulates their own trauma or the trauma of the person that they are with to create... A highly dependent, highly painful, highly manipulative relationship that is founded on the highs and lows of emotional gaslighting, maybe even emotional abuse, founded on hot and cold behavior, founded on betrayal and hurt rather than love. What nobody tells you about trauma bonds is how often people who think they would never be susceptible to this kind of thing end up in these relationships all of the time because of how powerful inconsistency is at hijacking our brain's reward system.
When somebody gives you the most perfect fantasy version of love one day and then switches it into the most terrible kind of love the next, That emotional whiplash does something dangerous to your brain. It teaches you that if you just hold out a little bit longer, the good version is going to come back around. And so it leaves you holding on to potential and holding on to these terrible relationships and these terrible people because of the potential of reward. And that way, you know, this person, the person that people form a trauma bond with becomes both their biggest source of unhappiness, but also their biggest source of happiness at times. Because this person is the one who can give and take those things, who can give and take safety.
People who have never experienced this may look at it from the outside and think, okay, I don't know, why don't you just leave? That person's obviously not good for you. Why don't you know you deserve better? Why don't you just walk away? But what they don't understand is the insanely powerful neurobiological, psychological, physical, emotionally addictive patterns that this kind of relationship creates, which essentially mean that our own self-preservation, our own instincts, our own emotions, our rationality, it all just gets so totally scrambled. I think what they don't realize is how smart abusers and partners can be, how well they understand the mechanisms of insecurity and psychology and how well they can manipulate love.
So this is exactly what we're going to be revealing and talking about today. If you have ever found yourself in this kind of trauma bond, if you are recovering and healing from a relationship that matches this pattern, or if you're just watching like a friend or anybody in your life going through this and you're trying to understand like how you can help them. I think and I hope that this episode will bring you some clarity. So without further ado, let's get into the psychology of trauma bonds. Let's start by really clarifying, because this is totally essential. We really need to clarify what we mean by a trauma bond, because it has been used very, very casually these days, and that has definitely diluted its meaning considerably.
Not because of anybody's poor intentions, just because of concept creep.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is a trauma bond and how is it misunderstood?
0:04–8:40
2
Why do trauma bonds form between individuals?
8:40–14:33
3
How can you identify if you're in a trauma bond?
14:33–20:25
4
What are the signs that indicate a toxic relationship?
20:25–25:26
5
How does emotional manipulation play a role in trauma bonds?
25:26–31:51
6
What steps can you take to break free from a trauma bond?
31:51–38:44
7
Why is it difficult to leave a trauma bond?
38:44–45:11
8
How can you rebuild your life after a trauma bond?
45:11–48:00