Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
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Normal is broke and common sense is weird. So we're here to help you transform your life from the Ramsey Network in the Fairwinds Credit Union studio. This is The Ramsey Show. All right, we're talking about your life and money. Nothing's changed. The number is 888-825-5225. That'll get you on the line. I'm here with Dr. John Deloney. I'm Jade Warshaw. Let's get into it, John. Let's get involved.
We got Dana in Phoenix, Arizona. What's up, Dana? Hi, thank you for taking my call. I really appreciate it. No problem. My question is whether or not my husband and I should accept a gift of $38,000 from our in-laws when there is a major history of dysfunction around money in his family. What's the gift for? Is it just out of the blue or is it for something specific?
They pretty regularly are trying to give us money and pay for things, but this gift apparently is for tax purposes. They recently met with their financial planner, tax accountant, who told them that because of their gains that they made this year in the stock market, that it would be tax advantageous for them to gift each of us $19,000. Okay.
The back story really is that his parents have used money as a tool for control and manipulation in the past. So much so that when we were planning our wedding 17 years ago, we ended up eloping because of their behavior around money. Wow. And the money issues as well as other things led to us not having a relationship with them for 10 years. Is it just your husband or their other children?
He has a brother. Things are kind of different with his brother's relationship with his parents. They just have very different personalities in how they handle things. So the money's not been a problem for the brother that you know of, or is it kind of a problem for him too?
Well, they've sort of used the same tactics with his brother, except that his brother and his wife gladly accept money from them anytime it's offered. And since they've reestablished their relationship, my husband and his parents, six years ago, they actually ended up moving to our small town two years ago. And since then, it's just they're constantly trying to give us money.
We're business owners. Give us an example of the manipulation. Tell us what that looks like. Tell us what happened either with the wedding or tell us.
I want a recent one.
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Chapter 2: Should we accept a large gift from in-laws with a history of dysfunction?
You on a recent one. So anytime, so like I said, we're business owners. Anytime something happens, so if a truck breaks down or... you know, just regular business things happen. It's let us pay for it. We'll pay for it. We'll buy you another truck. And when we say no, they tell my husband that he's being difficult. They don't understand why they won't let him let them just help.
And what does he say? There's crying. There's a lot of emotional manipulation.
Jay's question is important. What is his next statement? If his next statement is, I love y'all too much. And I'm so glad we have our relationship back. I can't let money come between us. That's one thing. If he – when they start crying and he says, fine, just fine, then that's another thing. So what's his response?
His response to them is that we're just not comfortable taking the money or the help. I don't know how in-depth he's got with them about because of money issues in the past, because generally when he's tried to bring up things from the past, he's usually met with, I don't know what you're talking about. That never happened. And what were those? I need from you, Dana, like the raw and the reals.
Do you know what I'm saying? Like, tell me when we did it, he slapped her and said that he was ungrateful. Like, tell me the drama part of it. Because honestly, at this point, as you're telling me, it doesn't really sound like they're bad people or like doing anything wrong per se. It just sounds like they see an area they want to help and they're confused that you don't want their help.
And them being confused doesn't make them bad guys to me or manipulators. It just makes them... Parents that are overstepping a boundary that maybe you've laid over and over again, and they just can't see why you wouldn't want to take a gift. Tell me the toxic part of it. Is there a toxic part of it where when you take the money, they try to control you? Tell me that part. Yes.
So I'll give you our wedding example. When we were planning our wedding, where we were getting married was a resort by a creek. And as is traditional and normal, we asked his parents to pay for their lodging. My father was paying for our wedding. And the lodging that we offered to them, my parents asked, do they want this house? It was the house that was right next to the creek.
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Chapter 3: What are the implications of accepting financial help from family?
It had four or five bedrooms in it. And we figured that their whole immediate family and everyone could stay in that house since they were traveling. And if they didn't want that house, my parents would have paid for it. When we presented it to my father-in-law, he said, of course, he paid for it.
And then as soon as money was involved, we started getting constant phone calls telling us what to do with our wedding, how to plan the wedding, who could come, who couldn't come. I remember very specifically getting a phone call from my father-in-law asking me when I was going to send the save the date. And my timeline on sending them was unacceptable to him.
And he specifically said to me, this isn't rocket science, Dana. You need to send it. Got you. Okay. Now I'm starting to get it. Okay. So you had this bad thing that happened a long time ago, and it's kind of left a bad taste in everybody's mouth. You don't want to take money anymore. And when you try to explain to them, hey, the last time we took money, this is how you guys acted.
We don't want to do that again. They're kind of like, don't bring up the past. What are you talking about? They're doing that, right? Well, the thing is, is we haven't really addressed the past yet.
Okay, so it sounds – I mean, John, jump in here because – Yeah, here's your – did your husband – do you all just not want to take this money?
Well, the issue is mostly for our business. We're very proud of ourselves that we've built this business.
Yeah, but there's a point of that where it becomes ego.
Right, because I'm – listen, I'm looking at $38,000 and I'm like, tell me more because this is a lot more.
I built something cool too, and if you want to send me $38,000, I'm happy to take it. Here's the deal. Y'all have had a grenade dropped. A grenade's probably dramatic. You've had a large firecracker dropped in your living room. They offered you 38 grand. If you take it, that might come with, you're going to do Christmas here because we gave you this money.
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Chapter 4: How do we navigate financial boundaries with family involvement?
And then from the Southern Baptists, He gets, it's called a housing allowance, so we don't have to pay tax on it. And it's $382.39 a month. Okay. And then he gets a small VA disability check of $171.23 a month. Okay. And then... He gets a small retirement, $372.95 for teacher's retirement. Okay, so you're almost $5,000 a month, yeah? Yeah. Okay, good.
So, I mean, I'm really... How much of that do you pay? I know you get a housing allowance, but how much of that do you pay to your home every month? We, our house payment is $2,166 and four cents. Okay. Um, that's a big part of this while you're feeling so much stress. Okay. Your, your housing payments high. Um, and can you tell me, you said you moved into that house recently.
Can you tell me what the house, what you purchased it for? Well, um, 19 years ago when my husband was pastored, he had a, um, major heart attack while preaching, and he had to have a four bypass. And we were a long ways away from the hospital, and so we stayed at a place called Antioch House. So one of our heart's dreams that we would pay that forward.
So our heart was the house that we have here has three bedrooms downstairs and a very, very large room upstairs. Got it. So what we want to do is establish a place called the Shepherd's Home. Understood. They can come stay with us and we can still minister to them. Go ahead, John.
I was going to say, Kelly, can I tell you something? And I'm telling you because I love you.
Yes.
Y'all can't afford to do that right now. Your heart is so big and it's like, it was such a blessing, but y'all aren't in a position to do that right now because y'all can't make your basic payments, your basic bills. And that dream is amazing.
And we know that we can't do it until we get out of debt.
I know, but even if you were out of debt, sustainably speaking, I don't know there's ever a scenario where 50% of your take-home pay or 40% of your take-home pay should go to housing. Because housing, the taxes are going to go up. The cost of electricity is going to go up. This is going to continue to be an escalating burden for you.
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Chapter 5: What key decisions are made regarding family planning and finances?
And so for us, we had just made the decision and said, hey, we're going to clean up this mess and then we'll feel great about having a family plus. And again, I'm not saying anybody else has to make this choice, but I kind of had this clear picture of this is the life I want to be able to provide. And so that was kind of like a guiding light for us.
I was like, I don't want to feel like I have to work. I want to feel like I'm working because I want to work if I'm not going to stay home with these kids. Like I wanted as many options, not just for us, but for the kids, too. So that was our choice. And yeah, I ended up having kids later in life. That was a choice we made.
But I remember the years later. My wife and I were trying to have kids and it wasn't happening. And then I sat down with somebody. We went to the meeting about adoption and private versus public and all those things. And I remember my mind shifting to I'm owed this. I deserve this.
Yeah.
And it was giving me a pass. I'm just going to go borrow on whatever this costs because I want a family.
Mm-hmm.
And it was this, I remember thinking, do I want to add, because this is when I still owed a jillion dollars, do I want to add that burden to a guy that's already pretty spun out because of all this money I'm carrying or that I owe people?
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Chapter 6: How should you approach financial safety in a troubled marriage?
And I remember very much feeling, though, that math doesn't apply to me here. This hurts, and I want to have a family, and I want to be able to give a kid a family. All that stuff was so good and right, and yet... Math doesn't care. It's going to be, you're going to have a $200,000 mortgage on an adoption, right? Or on a surrogacy or whatever.
And so there is something about, I would never tell somebody, don't have kids if you owe money, right?
Sure, never.
Especially if you've got a traditional health insurance, yada, yada, yada.
Sure.
But if you're going to go make a $30,000, $40,000, $50,000, you can put that much money on the table, I want you holding that check because otherwise you are setting yourself up for all kind of additional chaos in addition to having the kid and all the heartbreak and joy and all that comes with that.
Absolutely.
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Chapter 7: What are the implications of adopting while managing debt?
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All right. You're listening to The Ramsey Show. Hey, don't just set goals in 2026. I want you to actually learn how to reach them for once in your life. And we're going to help you do that. The 2026 Ramsey Goal Planner is here, guys.
Chapter 8: How can you balance financial stability with family goals?
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Now I'm gonna tell you straight up, I was making a joke before. I always get a couple of these and I send them as gifts. It's on my gift list every year to send to other people. And everybody loves it because it's so helpful. And so yeah, get involved. All right, next we have Sue from Chicago, Illinois, Chi-Town. What's up? What's going on, Sue? Hi, thank you guys so much for taking my call.
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