Why Changing Your Body Won’t Fix How You Feel About Yourself with Dr. Marisa Franco
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Why do compliments sometimes make low‑self‑esteem people feel worse?
Hey, Dr. Mindy here, and welcome to the Live Like a Girl podcast, where I bring you icons, disruptors, educators, scientists, and doctors that show you what can be possible when you love and celebrate the female body you are blessed to live in. Let's dive in. A few years ago, I noticed something really uncomfortable about my own relationships. I'd go through something really difficult, and I'd tell someone close to me, like a friend, my spouse, or a another loved one, and they'd just jump right in to fixing it. You'll get over it. You're amazing. You know how to handle this moment. Don't even worry about this. And instead of feeling better, I actually noticed that I felt more alone. Because what I actually needed in that moment wasn't to be cheered up.
I needed to be heard. I didn't have language for that at the time. I just knew that being told how great I was in that particular moment felt like the opposite of comfort. Well, turns out there's research on this exact thing. Not everyone thrives with compliments specifically amongst a crisis. In fact, many don't thrive when given advice in the heat of a moment. Turns out that when people with low self esteem receive compliments, positive feedback, even love, some of them get sicker in the months that follow. Their blood pressure goes up after praise. They pull away from a spouse who adores them too openly. Not because they're broken. But because being told you're wonderful when some part of you doesn't deeply believe it actually doesn't feel safe.
It feels like being handed something you're terrified of dropping. This changed how I think about self-esteem entirely. Because self-esteem, the version most of us were taught to chase, how good you feel about yourself, isn't actually the goal. There are people walking around with sky-high self-esteem who are also defensive, reactive, impossible to be close to. We all know some of these people. What we actually need, specifically when we are feeling down, is something completely different. We need the ability to sit with every part of ourselves. The parts that are beautiful and the parts that are messy. And treat all of it as if it matters. This I know I am not alone in, and is exactly why I have brought you Dr.
Marissa Franco. Marissa is a psychologist and the author of the best-selling book, Platonic, and now brings us her new book, Worth, which lays out the science of self-worth and secure attachment. the real alternative to a lifetime of chasing confidence that never quite sticks. In this conversation, we get into why positive feedback can backfire on someone with low self-esteem. Why women in particular perform their highlight reels for each other instead of showing the real thing, and what it actually looks like to witness someone's pain instead of rushing to fix it. I promise you, if you have ever felt unheard by someone trying their hardest to help you, I think this conversation is going to change the way you show up for the people you love and the way you show up for yourself.
And I know it's absolutely going to change your overall self-esteem. Let's dive in, Doctor Marissa Franco. Well, first, let me just welcome you to my podcast. I'm really excited to have you here, Marissa. So thank you for joining me. I know you're exhausted from doing a thousand of these for your books. So I appreciate you taking the time to be here.
Thank you so much, Dr. Mindy. I am happy to be here.
Awesome. So something in your book that really like stood out to me and I can't rectify it in my mind, it it it was this idea that if you have low self-esteem, That Positive people, positive messaging actually can make you sicker. Yeah. Yeah. Explain
that to me. Well, this is based on some surprising research that um when positive events happen to people with low self esteem, they're more sick months later. And for men, they're more likely to visit the doctor. That when they gave a speech and got positive feedback, their blood pressure was higher compared to negative feedback. That they report that when they get compliments, they feel very misunderstood.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do compliments sometimes make low‑self‑esteem people feel worse?
0:02–12:22
2
How does Dr. Franco differentiate self‑esteem from self‑worth?
12:22–22:25
3
What role do old memories play in shaping our current sense of worth?
22:25–33:09
4
How can memory reconsolidation change the emotional charge of past hurts?
33:09–42:32
5
Why does weight loss often fail to improve body image during menopause?
42:32–47:54
6
What practical steps can break the cycle of scale‑triggered self‑criticism?
47:54–51:14
7
How do vulnerability and re‑parenting help heal shame and insecurity?
51:14–54:22
8
What daily practices can nurture lasting self‑worth regardless of external changes?
54:22–55:23
Speakers
1 identifiedMore from Live Like a Girl with Dr. Mindy Pelz
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