What If They Aren’t Against You?
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
What's going on, my friends? Welcome to the Ryan League Podcast, where we love to keep things short and sweet for you each and every week. Got a question for you today on this episode.
What question does Ryan open the episode with about assuming others are against you?
And the question is this, what if they aren't against you? What if they aren't against you? I don't know if you've ever assumed someone was against you and then you found out that you were completely wrong. Like maybe your boss gave you tough feedback and you spent the whole weekend convinced they were trying to push you out. And then Monday comes around and they tell you they gave you that feedback because they see leadership potential in you and they're actually recommending you for a promotion. And so you spent the weekend thinking somebody was an enemy who was actually a friend. Or maybe, maybe just maybe a friend didn't text you back for a few days. Oh my goodness. There is nothing more triggering than a close friend not texting you back.
and let it three days let a week go by the stories oh my goodness the stories we tell ourselves when people don't text us back within 30 seconds it's like how dare you you start building a whole narrative you got Christopher Nolan up there 70 millimeter odyssey like in your head about them they're mad at me they're pulling away they didn't like what I said they don't value this friendship and then they call and say hey sorry it's been a crazy week my mom's been in the hospital and you're like ah praying for you you like dude you you just made them an enemy and now you're like praying for them like really like isn't it interesting how we can do this all the time with the text with an email with the tone we can just kind of fill in the blank and
We can just assign motives to people based on incomplete information. And nine times out of ten, the story we tell ourselves is way worse than what's actually happening. I've done this so many times. I've sat in my office after a meeting and thought, they don't respect me. They're trying to undermine me. They think they're doing me a favor. And I've built an entire case against people. Full courtroom drama in my head. Netflix up there. And in it, I mean, I can turn into a lawyer really, really fast. I mean, I got closing arguments. I got evidence. I'm locked, loaded, ready to go.
What real-life examples illustrate how we invent hostile intentions from feedback or silence?
And I really like wearing three-piece suits. Like, let's get it on. Like, I can do that in my head before I've ever even asked them a single question about what they actually meant. And here's what I've learned. The story that I make up in my head is almost always more dramatic than the truth. My imagination is absolutely undefeated when it comes to creating worst case scenarios. So what if we flipped it? What if before we assumed the worst about someone, we considered the possibility that they're not against us? What if your coworker isn't trying to steal your idea? What if they're just excited about it? What if your spouse isn't criticizing you? What if they're trying to help and just said it wrong?
What if your boss isn't micromanaging you? What if they're under pressure from their boss and they're doing the best that they can? What if the person who didn't invite you to the party isn't excluding you? What if they just assumed you were busy? I'm not saying everyone has good intentions. Some people don't. But I am saying that assuming the worst about absolutely everyone is exhausting. And it poisons relationships that might have been just fine... if we'd had just given them the benefit of the doubt. There's a phrase that I just love, and it's, assume positive intent. Brene Brown calls it the generosity hypothesis, which is asking, what's the most generous assumption I can make about what this person said or did?
It doesn't mean to be naive. It means before you react, you pause. It means before you build the case, you ask the question. Before you write someone off, you give them a chance to explain. Because here's the truth. When you walk through life, assuming people are against you, you start treating them like enemies. And when you treat people like enemies...
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