The Story Must Be Told

176. The Pope Walked Onto His Balcony

11 Feb 2025

Contributed by Lukas

Who’s short and spherical with a jaunty hat? Beau Basco! Who sees every clue with a lazy eye? Beau Basco! And who is facing the biggest who-dun-it o...

Now That’s What I Call Story Vol 1 - Q&A and Preview

20 Nov 2024

Contributed by Lukas

The bell is ringing, children! Come inside, children. Hear about our new album: Now That’s What I Call Story - Volume One, children. We talk with L...

86. The Swollen Mouth of Family

10 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Gums of pink, are gonna stink / Gums of red, are fonts of dread. Teeth are unwelcome in our parish! Yet, hygiene is a virtue. Ohh, we’re complicated...

175. Gribbies 2

01 Aug 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Let the Story reduce you to flesh mulch! Let the Story compress you and your every neighbor into a lovehogpile. Let go and let STORY. We’re back, ...

Dead Bird Songs - Chat and Preview

04 Apr 2024

Contributed by Lukas

Oooh, children, gather around for Vacation Story School. While the clerg' takes a breather, they gather to discuss and share the first chapter of Brot...

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: The Story Will Be Told

01 Mar 2024

Contributed by Lukas

We've got some BIG NEWS for all of you congregants courtesy of Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew, so if you're curious as to what's happening with TSMBT,...

174. The Woman for the Man - Guest Preachers Betsy Winchester, Steve O’Brien, and Jackie Zebrowski

18 Dec 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Two outcasts are excluded even from apocalypse and must navigate a changed world. If there is truth to be found it is in each other. Return to where y...

173. Day for Night - Guest Preacher Betsy Winchester, Featuring Marcus Parks

08 Sep 2023

Contributed by Lukas

A child suffers mute the unutterable horrors of our past. Every step forward is a descent. Trust no family or institution that worships the god of you...

172. The Fool and The Worm

09 Aug 2023

Contributed by Lukas

I’m a BIG SHOT at my job. I belong to an ELITE group of people who make work their ENTIRE identity. My testicles are made out of BRASS and I have NO...

171. Changing. Do You See?

12 Jul 2023

Contributed by Lukas

YUCK. GROSS. I don’t care how we’re related, family member! You aren’t family no more after what you did nuh UH. You’re what my family calls a...

170. Beneath The Compass Rose

14 Jun 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Some islands are SCARY—like Nantucket. Other islands will steal your very essence, halve it, and merge it with other unwitting victims—like Nantuc...

169. The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin

09 May 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Oh bother, I’m a silly old bear. It’d be a SHAME if I were to MEET MY DEMISE. I hope nothing bad happens to me and my ragtag group of interspecies...

168. God’s Hotel - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

25 Apr 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Your father is watching you, and he’s SHAKING his HEAD. What did you do to deserve such a practical assessment? Did you follow your dreams? Probably...

167. Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich

12 Apr 2023

Contributed by Lukas

WOOOOSH! Kaboom! “I gotta fly this big bird REALLY fast!” Wow, aren’t airplanes neat? Gosh, what CAN’T the military-industrial complex do? If ...

166. Are You Afraid of the Story: Three Wishes

28 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Look! A shooting star! Close your eyes and make a wish. Are you doing it? Good … good. What’s that? It feels like someone is stealing your wallet?...

165. The Boy: Omega Rising - A TSMBT Silver Streaming+ Free Trial!

11 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

It’s always the BOY! The BOY the BOY the BOY! Behind the curtain? The BOY! Under the floor? The BOY! Hiding inside your mouth, yanking on your tongu...

164. Goodnight My Love 6 - Featuring MJ Knefel

02 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx In this, the 6th and final part of Goodnight My Love, we finally say Goodnight ...

163. Goodnight My Love 5 - Featuring MJ Knefel

08 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx No one ever talks about what religion aliens are. Is it Protestant? I bet a lot...

162. Goodnight My Love 4 - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

17 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx Grandmas and Grandpas will give you a Bible and then YELL at you. Can’t trust...

The 522 Club False Holiday Special

28 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Wowee wow wow! Is it the false holiday already? Gosh oh fuck, what a blesséd surprise! Join the clergy as we goof and gab our way through the falsest...

161. In Violet Light

16 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

It’s always raining here. The rain will soak you cold, but it is your task that will break you. Freedom is trapped inside the box, and it is everyth...

160. Plunk!

25 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Witness as Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew pitch their hot new film experience: Plunk! Is this their big break? Is the church done for? What does it so...

159. Rakija

08 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

There are photos of you lost in a drawer, floating in a liminal space, waiting to be seen. You will recognize the face but not the scene, know your ag...

158. Miss Paker’s Cats - Guest Preacher Julie Rosing

22 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Curiosity killed no cat—it was POISON. That rotten child, that BOY did it. His face is every child’s face Miss Paker will see, as she instructs th...

157. An Intruder Invoked - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks

05 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

An Intruder has intruded upon the livestock, a malefactor produced by dining on death. Yearn for it. Search the brains for its presence, not unlike a ...

156. It Was A Monday...

13 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

It is vital while listening to this Story to not get sidetracked, lost in the details, or thrown off course from your original aim. To amble, disengag...

155. Peter Robot Saves Wendy's - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely

06 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

BIG SCIENCE NEWS: scientists created the ANNOYING ROBOT beep boop! Uhhh knock knock, who’s there? It’s the future of ROBOT. Look out, because an a...

154. Howard

20 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

You are the life of your elders. They go to bed thinking about you. Give them a call. Share your life. Without it, they won’t have one. Guest voic...

153. I'm A Bustling Beehive

02 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Lotions, candles, and hand sanitizers: turn me into these when I die. I gotta BASK in seasonal scents, and if you give me a sales event? Ohhh you can ...

152. The Anxiolytic

22 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Are you n-n-n-nervous? Does it prevent you from serving our glorious economy? For SHAME! Remember this one truth: all mental health is secondary to th...

151. Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay

08 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Meiosis is the process by which cells cut themselves in half to make halfling children wriggling alone in the dark incomplete forever. A farming accid...

150. The Inevitability of Death

24 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Lay down in the dirt and take a lil nap called DEATH. Yep! The Story is here to tell you: ain’t no one gonna stay alive forever except a few jellyfi...

149. Warmth and Dissolution - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

26 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

In their masses, human beings amplify emotion until the smallest sensations become shared, tangible links. But we are floating alone in the void and c...

148. The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress

10 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY, Gods will come from near and far to DUKE IT OUT. Which God has what it takes? Ohhhh take a listen, and hear how your per...

147. Undoing Nocturnal

26 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Hoo hoo, says the owl. Then the owl says, boo hoo hoo. Avian tears are a delicacy, and even geniuses will spend their grant money to ensure ornitholog...

146. The Great Flood

12 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Drip drip, get slippery. Splat splat, get WET. Water’s comin’, and it’s gonna SOAK ya, bub. Down to the BONE. Unless you don’t believe in the ...

BONUS: Best of the 522 Club

29 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a SAMPLER PLATTER—of the 522 Club! That’s right, Chet, we’re giving you a LIL sip of a LOT of patreon exclusive cont...

145. Are You Afraid of the Story: BUGS

17 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a BUG. RNNNNNNGG RNG RNG RNGG, look out! A Big Bug Is Coming. Oh, even the clergy has a STORY or TWO about BUG. Don’t be...

144. The Perfect Route

03 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Sorry I’m late, turns out TRAFFIC. Ughhh traffic always gets in the way, especially of car, and most especially: truck. What can we do about traffic...

143. Self-Portrait

15 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Try to draw a picture of your own face. Do you know where all the pieces belong? If you forgot what you looked like, you’d never be able to recreate...

142. The Brain, The Body

01 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Suck in your gut. Pucker up your lips! Hock, pull, and reLEASE Good: you just spat out your own brain, ya dumb dumb. Get it outta there! Your brain ca...

141. It Was A Sunday...

19 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Pay attention to this STORY and DON’T get DISTRACTED, like you would while holding the hand of the Archduke’s son while the world’s coal-tossing...

140. Young Robert!

22 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Ohhh Young Robert. Oh! Young Robert! Everyone LOVES Young Robert. He’s sailing for America! He encounters DANGER. But who IS Young Robert? One thing...

139. Hard To Be A Mother

09 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Shh shhhhh go to www.thestorymustbetold.com and buy a book shh shhh it’s actually just links to the Amazon purchase pages shh shhh you don’t have ...

138. The Sublimation Of Petsmart - Guest Preacher Amber Nelson

25 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Slop some STORY into your palms with our NEW book: Seasons of the Story. Buy here: www.thestorymustbetold.com Meow meow, bark bark, tweet tweet, subl...

137. Bearer of Light

11 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Our book is the ONLY truth EVER. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com Who will you meet in the mystery woods? Uh oh, maybe someone ...

Psalms of the Congregation

26 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Our BOOK is out, Chester. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com For the past year, every month on the Story Discord, our congregants...

BOOK ANNOUNCEMENT: Seasons of the Story

12 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

No Story today, Chester, just a big CHUNK of NEWS: The Story Must Be Told is releasing its first book ... OF STORIES. Mark your humble calendar for O...

136. Stalkers

28 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Knock knock. Who’s there? The Story. The Story who? The Story Must Be Told. Anyway, this episode was sponsored on Patreon.com/tsmbt by congregant T...

135. Doogie Reassembled

16 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

How many living people do you equal? When they gather, what do they say about you? Do they miss you? Where did you go? Have they noticed you’re gone...

134. Homesick

02 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

A big city is just stuffed fulla the dead. Can’t walk a corner or occupy a room no one ain’t died in before. It’s what we call “pre-war charm....

133. Songs From The Devon Floor

17 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

OK. OK we gave him a CHANCE. Yep, we let Devon in on the Story game. Don't get mad at me! GEEZ. Invocation Story: "Songs from the Devon Floor" Outro ...

132. Wet Dog Smell - Guest Preacher Joe Pera

03 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Woof ruff woof ar-oof woof woof. Ruff ruff! Ruff ruff roo roo. Grrrrrrr. Yip yip yip yip! Nnnn nnnn nnn! Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (preorder his book ...

131. Egon Wins The Lottery

20 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Egon wins the lottery. But this isn’t a fun lotto like Shirley Jackson’s—it gets serious! Slurp slurp, if you can. Invocation Psalm: “The Mo...

130. The Anointing - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski

08 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Grandmas are tricky! You gotta love em, but also: fear em a bit. Learn from a grandma! Learn of devotion. Learn of guilt. Learn of the Story. Guest ...

129. Bad Bad Big Willy - Guest Preacher Chris Fairbanks

22 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Birdies go tweet tweet tweet, crows go caw caw caw, and ducks go, “I will destroy you.” Never trust a bird! FEAR a bird. Guest Preacher: Chris Fa...

128. A Job At Cro-Croa

09 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Who loves a HOT Cro-Croa??? Uhhhhh how about every-dang-body? Plump on it! What is Cro-Croa’s secret ingredient??? Uhhhhh who cares? Just chug it ch...

127. Are You Afraid of The Story: Spooky Monsters

27 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Spooky monsters keep me running—running SCARED. But Pastor Andrew, heck, he CRAVES the stuff. To keep his greasy candle a-flickerin, Sis Callis and ...

126. The Soft Opening Of Maison de Dieu

11 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Today is the Feast Day of Spaghett’, slurp slurp. Don’t let the marinara of prudence stain your white linen of virtue, gabbagool. Swirl this Story...

125. The Age of Wind Power - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

28 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Every whale sings a song, and it goes like this: “Ohhh Oh noooo Don’t take my oiiiil” But who pays attention to lyrics? If a whale sang me any...

124. You're Gonna Touch My Hand

13 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Pleasure is hiding! PEEKABOO. Ohhh you have to SEEK pleasure. Search, and be warned: you will not find IT. IT will find YOU. When the Stranger appears...

123. More More More More MORE Stories

30 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Remember: Purkley Katzman was ground up by a bunch of gears. It was his own dang fault for not being gear-proof. Today, we share some of Purkley’s s...

122. Goodbye Pork Pie Hat

16 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Everybody’s working for the Story. Everybody’s working despite the Story. Everybody’s working because of the Story. The Story will strip you of ...

Trailer: Welcome to the Story!

15 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to our Church, our soon-to-be congregant. Are you familiar with our institution? Do you know the works of the Story? Are you looking to conver...

BONUS: The 522 Club Clip Show!

09 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

The Story Must Be delayed a week, dear congregant. Shh, shhh, dry your eyes, child, for we put together a special treat to help you pass the time! Our...

121. It Was A Saturday ...

23 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Here is the Story! Don’t get distracted! Not like I did at Taddy’s wedding, when the horse got loose. You see, a horse must learn every lesson wit...

120. Immortal Forgotten Words

09 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

VRRRRRRROOOOOWWW here comes the plane beep beep open wide. Let the Story be your words, your every thought. Open your mouth wide, the Story’s gonna ...

119. Goodnight My Love 3 - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski, Featuring Marcus Parks

27 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx Come to my chest, sweet TOT, and suckle at my plastic feeding port. You can tel...

118. Goodnight My Love 2 - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, Featuring Jackie Zebrowski

12 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx We’ve been smelling fennel for weeks, and sure enough it’s because there’...

103. Goodnight My Love 1 - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, featuring Jackie Zebrowski

29 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx We are taking a week off and sharing this recent Story so you might be fresh an...

117. The Adventures Of Chalmsberry Grib

16 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Mark Twain's mummified corpse spins somewhere in a shallow grave fulla dirt n worms heh heh yeah you better BELIEVE. Chalmsberry Grib could palm Tom S...

116. Fax Cover Sheet

02 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The Story snuck into your bedroom in the middle of the night and removed something you love. Will you notice what it took? Or will you pretend not to?...

115. The Voluntary Heart

17 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

I got an arrhythmia and it starts with an S, and ends with a TORY. YEAH. My heart beats for the STORY, thump thump. Oooh, and if you open up your ears...

114. The Book of Keith - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli

06 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Child transformation! Spooky, scary. Boys becoming scaly, dads becoming sad. Enjoy the first Story channeled through our scabby assistant groundskeepe...

113. A Guided Meditation

21 Oct 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Shhhh, breathe in. Breathe out. Keep breathing out. Out! OUT! I did NOT say “in.” OUT. Today, we calm it down, grease it up, and relax our minds ...

112. Lil Sips

06 Oct 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Hark! Praise! Today is Greasegiving! What a HOLY DAY. Today we learn every Truth, and witness the Greatest Story Of All Time. We honor Devon, for some...

111. Are You Afraid of the Story: Aliens

08 Sep 2020

Contributed by Lukas

It’s late, and a sweet lil Devon had another nightmare. Sounds like it’s time for some STORY. Cuddle up, wriggle your toes, and prepare yourself f...

110. And America Makes Two!

25 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Ameri-come one and all, to the rootinest tootinest Story this here Story mouth ever done Storied. You better bet your ASS that Tim Allen pops up in th...

109. The Grief Market - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski

11 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

You’ll never miss no one as much as you miss CELEBRITY. CELEBRITY is how you know what it means to live. No one alive is happier than CELEBRITY—so...

108. The First Photo of God - Guest Preacher Elliott Friesen

29 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The separation of church and state don’t mean SHIT. Yeah, mix em up, bay-bee. Gimme some church in my state, especially in my secret government dire...

107. Cardinal Larson in “The Night of the Historical Jesus”

14 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

A talking dog found today’s guest, who delivers a Story about SPICY, oh so sweet LOVE. Cardinal Larson, you rascal, and also: you tragic lover. List...

106. The Recovered Diary

30 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Nothing helps time in isolation like a little woof woof, a little bark bark grr grr ruff ruff. Talking DOGS. But remember: sometimes a pet is just a f...

105. I Seen Locusts Out Back

16 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Hey! Yes you! Get out of the dirt and come inside; we got mourning to do. Yes, mourn a fresh one with us, mourn until you’re dry. Guests are coming,...

104. Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar

02 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Devon! What are you doing here? This is no place for you! Get out! OUT! Ohh, you rascal. Well, do what you want, because this Story will happen to YOU...

103. Goodnight My Love - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, featuring Jackie Zebrowski

19 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care pro...

102. Are You Afraid of the Story?

05 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Hello? Who’s there? The Church is CLOSED. Oh! Goodness! It’s just you, listener. Join the clergy in the dead of night, in the empty Church, as w...

101. The Perfect Man

22 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Marriage consumes lives as often as it saves them. Have you been consumed by a partner, whole, so every piece of you seeks to serve the other? On the ...

100. It Will Last Forever

07 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

On this, our one-hundredth proper episode, Chalms guides us to profound questions: What were you doing in the Soviet Union between 1978 and 1984? Did ...

99. The Dreamt City

24 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The places you visit in your dreams are real! The people within will find you! They will yell at you! Ohhh what did you do? Because I tell you what: y...

98. The Wandering Narrator

10 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We’re boned, congregants! Yeah, we screwed the pooch bad, chomped a big fat one, sat on a REAL stinker. Even the Story knows turmoil, Narrator and L...

97. The Replacement

25 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Greeting cards bring joy and consolation to the grieving and joyous. Imagine a card that brings ruin. What would the card say? Do you believe the card...

96. Their Unholy Spirit

11 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

You know that feeling when you hug your aunt and she whispers in your ear, “I’m proud of the way you cut hair, Eugene”? Well, this one is also a...

95. Little Brother

28 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Brothers come in all sizes! In the Story, the biggest brother shall be the littlest, and vice versa yeah you get it. If there’s one truth for you in...

94. Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game

14 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Yeah drink a brew, pop a mozz’ stick, and bowl yourself a handsome strike, you goof! This Story is about bowling and probably NOTHING else. Nope! St...

A False Year's Bonus

31 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Congregants gather and spit runny in your palms, because we got something you'll wanna grease up and hog down on. YEAH: a BONUS episode. Contained in...

93. More More More Christmas Heresies

23 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

False holiday alarm! Ring ring ralse! If this bell’s a-ringin’ then a Story is false. On this day, we arrive early, for no reason, only to give yo...

92. Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski

10 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thin...

91. Maps Of The North

26 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

A stranger is coming! When they confront you, will you endure or crumple? Heh heh, oh, congregant, the question was rhetorical! We all crumple before ...

90. Family Union

12 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their ag...

89. The Forgotten Man

29 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if t...