The Story Must Be Told
Activity Overview
Episode publication activity over the past year
Episodes
88. The Passage Of Memory
15 Oct 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s bir...
87. He Thinks He’s Sklorripu - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely
01 Oct 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—thi...
85. Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"
03 Sep 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances...
A Message To The Congregation
27 Aug 2019
Contributed by Lukas
In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we ...
84. The Object Therapist - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman
20 Aug 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that include...
83. Come On Ride A Train
13 Aug 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle,...
82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski
06 Aug 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amuseme...
81. The Auction
30 Jul 2019
Contributed by Lukas
What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease ...
80. The Famous Man - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
23 Jul 2019
Contributed by Lukas
I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face....
79. How Do You Torture It? - Guest Preacher Ashley Brooke Roberts
16 Jul 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us ...
78. There When You Need Me
09 Jul 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright,...
77. After The Attack
02 Jul 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, ...
76. Burying
25 Jun 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuug...
74. Goats and Sheep
18 Jun 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, wh...
73. Grunster and the Gruntmunks
11 Jun 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Children are produced by squishes and sweat. A Gruntmunk is not so different, except unlike a child, it SINGS. May we all become Gruntmunks, those che...
72. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi
04 Jun 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Larvae grow up, sniff sniff, and they change! Mutation and abomination is built into the lifespan of the insect, phases of unconscionable puberty infl...
71. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi
28 May 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us...
70. Iron Churnsly - Guest Preacher Jake Young
21 May 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, ...
69. Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One
14 May 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when ...
68. When You Watch Me
07 May 2019
Contributed by Lukas
This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better...
67. Hoofs And Feet
30 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of ...
66. The New Consciousness in Town
26 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than whil...
65. Goodbye Hirsutaline
23 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pil...
64. The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”
16 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cr...
63. The Interceptor Part II
09 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance ...
62. The Interceptor Part I
02 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should no...
61. Flies!
26 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we c...
60. They Made A Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera
19 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bro...
59. The Ballad Of Prepsa
12 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink en...
58. New York City Girl
05 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and eve...
57. The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks
01 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cow...
56. More More More More More More More Short Stories
26 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor st...
55. Ghosts Are Hazy Life
19 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however ...
54. Heart Of Worms
12 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the...
53. The Wind
05 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ash...
52. The House Of Crispo Part 2
29 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys...
51. The House Of Crispo Part 1
22 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to b...
50. The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds
15 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they mus...
49. Farm Fresh - Guest Preacher Jared Logan
08 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant...
48. Overheard At The Party
02 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least o...
A Statement Concerning Christmas
25 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The Story rejects Christmas because Christmas rejects the Story. Do not let anything into your hearts that is not the Story! That's a sure way to hear...
Bonus Episode: The Stories of Heretical Christmas
21 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wis...
47. We Wish You Were A Worm
18 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with pa...
46. The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores
11 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat cra...
45. It's My Right
04 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is i...
44. Gone And Still Here
28 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and ...
43. An Intruder Intrudes
20 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitt...
42. A Thunderstorm In There
13 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cra...
41. The Bird That Learned About Weekends
06 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we n...
40. Brothers
30 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The “family tree” is an invasive species, a plant of the damned. It robs nutrients, hoards genetics, and drops human apples of flesh and parasites...
39. The Book Of Melody - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
23 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a swe...
38. The Realtor
16 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this proc...
37. The Boys Open
09 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes o...
36. Hard At Work
02 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech th...
35. The Unruly Teen's Display
25 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink...
34. The Pilot
18 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing lik...
33. Pretty Machines
11 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still pla...
32. The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved
04 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty of sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. W...
31. Rugged Boy Fancy Kit
28 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, tra...
30. Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman
21 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, th...
29. The Chimera's Nest
14 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it...
28. The Boat That Went To Hell - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks
07 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon i...
27. Oh, Poor Dennis!
31 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well,...
26. Who Is Your Milky Boy? - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli
24 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
It ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride...
25. An Awaited Transformation
17 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know...
24. More More More More More Short Stories
10 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyon...
23. When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely
03 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, turn to dribbl...
22. Petitions To The Darkness
26 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
In the Story we are each victor and we are each prophet. In the Story we are used and abandoned, bankrupt and shallow. Ohh the Story will find you. T...
21. The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson
19 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We are once again graced with the devoted, inspirational Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. He's been a-tr...
20. The Grease Of Our Elders
12 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Simple delights do not come simple. Even an orange juice, before its juicy demise, first blistered the picker’s palm, stung the eyes of the orangist...
19. The Disgusting Man
05 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Nothin like squatting yon hams in a restaurant, opening that gooey maw, and swallowing whole the goods the chef has birthed. But, oh dear Story, how o...
18. The Mother Of Nature - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
29 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Our dearest Preacher Jackie, the Miss Good Zebrowski, has returned to deliver a story of retribution true. Olden times were worsen times, we can all a...
17. The Veteran
22 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
where does the Boy lead us except to certainty? he takes our hand, cold as his might be, and tugs us along no matter how we resist. curse you, the Boy...
16. An End To Loneliness
15 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
the rain is falling on my face and I feel the gusts envelop me, cradle this leakin bod. it's a weatherly hug, uh huh, an embrace for a storyteller tru...
15. The Grand Circus
08 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
o! how my lawn it disappoints thee. a damn shame. a foul stinking lot of indecency. i caught the local youth upon it again—more every year, names mo...
14. Goop In The Evening - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli
01 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
enter, and feast upon the delights we pilfer, the secret tidings we unearth. sniff it down and get gooey right here, right now with me. we find our ow...
13. For A Moment, I Had A Friend
24 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
ee ee oo oo, a story fine a story tru. mm hmm, a sad one no doubt, about the isolation we all face. i know my solitude most painfully in the shower, a...
12. Mercy and Condemnation
17 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
music does not calm every troubled soul, no matter how they might sing, no matter how they might melodicize. the body is a tomb for us, and its desire...
11. The Father, The Mother
10 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
some folk work real hard. some folk just sit there, stew in juices, and turn to greases to stain the chairs and linoleum. course, some folk do both. a...
10. The First Sermon of Cardinal Larson
03 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
for this dutiful midnight vigil, the first tuesday of common days, we are graced with the beloved, articulate Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of th...
9. A Lapse In Nature's Judgment
27 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
we are each of us a product of wriggling porcelain tails and elusive siren eggs. we forget how we once were two. no more, nuh uh, mm hmm. today, we re...
8. The Stink War - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
20 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Everyone bow yur heads for what im about to preach, uh huh: it’s time for juicy business. Get them lips a-smackin, because we got a special guest pr...
7. You May Eat Me
13 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
civic duty binds us once as citizens, and twice as lovers. we are beckoned by nation to hoist standards, mouth recitations, and adore patriarchs, yet ...
6. Mommy's Little Tipper
06 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
oh by truth we are drawn to such meager beings squabbling underfoot and lying provocatively in beds of saliva and mounds of masticated plastic. how we...
5. Super Value Menu
27 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
yes uh huh some of us enjoy the salty treats of food which is fast, and others of us depend upon yon morsels, teeth decrepit from substance and povert...
4. A Perfect Vessel
20 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
on this day we remember a patron true a saint of courage and unshakable faith. that's why we all wear our prettiest clothes and paint our faces and pr...
3. An Audience with the Queen
13 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
today we celebrate the feast day of sain't jo, in whose matronage we engage so ruefully: lewdness, grotesquerie, tragedy. we are blessed with this lit...
2. A Cowboy's Story
06 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Wipe your hands on your pleats, then clean your nails with yon sopping lips: the Story has been birthed unto us eager acolytes. Oh! how it stews there...
1. A Man For The Woman
30 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
In the name of the grease, the pleas, and the holy crease: we welcome you to The Story Must Be Told. Our congregation is humble, and our drips polite....