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Chapter 1: What should I do if my husband gives me the ick?
What are you doing here? It's time to leave. How's it going? Hi, I'm Renee. I'm 29 and my husband gives me the ick. I need out. What do I do?
It's like you want to get a divorce.
yes so i did write in a couple months ago and since then i have filed okay um and yeah so basically when he responded because it gives you 30 days to respond i kind of got a pit in my stomach when he finally did sign it and i wasn't expecting to feel that but i have many reasons why i do want a divorce so i'm just making sure i am
doing the right thing when i have two young kids okay with him so to be clear what i can potentially help you with is is either validate your decision or give you caution right all right how did he take the news just before we get started i'm curious how he took the news so it the word divorce has been like
part of our vocabulary, especially his and like any minor inconvenience or fight, like it would always lead to, well, then let's get a divorce. And like, I don't know, after hearing that so many times, I was just kind of like, you know what, we probably should. It's not normal to be talking about it this much.
And yeah, when I finally told him, he didn't, I told him the day before I was going to file. And then when I told him I filed the next day, he like couldn't believe it. He didn't think I would actually do it.
So wait, you said, I want a divorce. I'm going to file tomorrow.
Well, no, it was a lot leading up to that. Probably like the prior month from there, I was like hinting that like, I don't think this is right. And I would ask him like, what are reasons like you think we should stay together? It would never be like any good reasons besides like we have kids and which is a great reason, but no.
yeah yeah but if i'm not happy then i don't know um so basically yeah he just didn't take it well he didn't take it well no did he try to convince you to change your mind kind of so he had me talk to one of his family members on the phone i guess she didn't realize how much i had thought about this and thought about every outcome and um so that was his like kind of first uh way to try to get me to stay i guess and when i talked to her she was like oh you know it sounds like
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Chapter 2: How can I navigate my partner's depression in our relationship?
So he signed on 30th day. And then that's when I was like, Ooh, wait, but, and then the next day I'm like, no, I do want to leave him still. So it's just, it's just hard.
So when you say my husband gives me the egg, like, yeah. So are you both toxic people?
I don't think, I mean, he would say otherwise. I don't think I am.
But you think he is.
Yeah, I'm sure I have like toxic tendency.
So I've just had a curiosity, just short answer. What do you think makes him toxic, but you're not?
Just our past. Like we've been together for six years, married for three. There were so many red flags when I met him. Controlling, didn't want me to go out, which, you know, I was 23 still. I kind of want to go out. I also was bartending when he met me.
when you say you're still 23 but you like you're how old are you now i'm 29 now but i'm just saying like when i was 23 like of course i wanted to go out like i don't want to now i have kids but like i don't know i just there were things that we would fight about he'd call me names every name in the book stuff that like i just can't get over and as i'm getting older i realized like how wrong so many of our fights were just like how he would treat me and we did break up at one point around the three-year mark what would he say about you
Oh, he would say, I mean, I don't know. It's just been a toxic relationship. Truly like from, I guess both ends, but like, honestly, the first half of our relationship with me, like begging him to just even hang out with me. And like, I just couldn't understand why he was calling me all these names and why he was,
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Chapter 3: What are the implications of emotional abuse in a relationship?
It's just how fast his mind changes. And he has separation papers waiting for me. Here, sign these. And I'm like... you were just begging me to come home like four days ago and now I'm here. And now you have to like switch up and print out separation papers. I don't know. He's just making me out to be the villain.
Um, and you know, I explained to the family member that he had me call like all these reasons, all these fights, um, over the years just have built up. I just resent him completely. Part of why I get icked out. Uh, and yeah, I don't know. I feel like,
it's just there's six years of it so it's hard to like give you great examples without if you give me some good examples i mean it just um i mean you're describing someone who kind of sucks
yeah like when there's no connection like there's no bond anymore like i don't think i don't know if there ever was um before we got married like two weeks before he was saying he doesn't want to be with me calling me names that was two weeks before and like i was fully ready to text everyone like hey we're not getting married anymore it was a quick put together wedding i was six months pregnant and um i just felt like we had to be married but like our wedding day didn't feel like great
it felt wrong. And yeah, I don't know. It just hasn't been good.
I don't, you know, I don't, you're not giving me a reason to say maybe you should stay. I mean, you just, you're describing a situation that I wouldn't want for myself or, you know, like,
you know because you described it like oh i have the ick for my husband so like i was half expecting you to just be like i love him and he's a nice guy and all but like i don't know i just like i want more for myself or you know i just don't feel like i've been able to like you know um live for myself but he's a good dad and like you know like we're okay and like i know we don't have the best sex life and like i don't know sometimes he's a little icky but like
I wasn't sure if I was gonna get that. In that case, well, it's like, okay, well, let's look at the big picture here, and is there a path forward to get more connected? But you're describing someone who's emotionally abusive.
Again, not a therapist, and I'm not in a position to diagnose anyone, but I wouldn't want what you're describing for my sister or my daughter, he's emotionally volatile, regardless of whatever you are doing or not doing.
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Chapter 4: How do I handle my husband's refusal to let our kids meet my mom's boyfriend?
He is a really good dad, which really makes me feel better when it comes to my kids.
I mean, like, it can't be that good of a dad if he talks to his kid's mother that way.
Like it was literally July. No, it was end of June. We had, we were like on the way home from vacation and he was calling me the most disgusting names in front of them.
It's not that good of a dad.
Yeah. So I'm like, I just don't want this. And like, I conditioned myself to just like not react anymore, which has been nice.
because I used to like get emotional about it and I don't know like I'll beg him to have deep conversations not necessarily like say that flat out but I'll try to and it just doesn't happen and he makes like jokes out of everything like he just can't be serious and yeah I don't know but he would try to be intimate all the time and I would just get like I don't know it just made me so uncomfortable and like sometimes I would cave but like it would just be the most uncomfortable situation to where I would have like a panic attack like literally
Do you ever feel like he's been sorry for hurting you emotionally?
No, I don't because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
So, I don't know. Like, give me an example of a disgusting thing he said to you or called you.
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Chapter 5: What should I consider when dealing with family dynamics post-divorce?
You don't have a car anymore. And he would just always hold the house over my head, the
So just out of curiosity, when you were like second guessing your decision to get divorced, what part were you second guessing other than the kids?
The fact that it's easier and financially easier and like the name calling isn't as bad as it used to be because I'm not the one who's like begging him to like hang out with me anymore. I'm not, I just don't care anymore. Like I truly. Yeah.
I mean, this isn't a life, you know, I mean, I don't know what you're describing sounds pretty bad.
it sounds like you're a prisoner an emotional prisoner yeah i mean and this is coming from a person like since being a dad i am so grateful of the relationship nelly and i have and work on and that we both care very much and and and value our relationship to the degree that we can be parents and what we can provide for our daughter and i feel that from her and i think she feels that from me
And I think parents and couples should do whatever they can to make it work for the family unit because it's so precious. But what you're describing is a very helpless situation where there doesn't seem to be much of a path forward. And it sounds like you're dealing with someone who, again, not a therapist, but sounds kind of emotionally abusive and mean.
That is not a safe and healthy environment for anyone. And you're only 29. Right.
My fear is that I'm going to stick it out and then wake up 10 years from now and be 40. And then I have to start over then.
Yeah, that's not my fear. You already filed for divorce. I mean, you're not going to hear from me. Maybe you should reconsider. Sounds like you made the right decision. I think you're not fear for you, but like. Advice I would give you is definitely take some time to heal.
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Chapter 6: How can I communicate boundaries with my mother effectively?
I think you might be prone to feeling a spark with toxic men.
I hope not.
Well, many of us are. I think we're all capable of that. And I think someone who might present as healthy might come across to you as unexciting.
Yeah, boring. I was worried about that too.
And for the sake of yourself and your kids, I would be very careful about who you date.
Yeah. When I think about it, I'm like, oh, I'm totally ready to date now because I've been so over this relationship for so long and I've just stuck through it. But I do realize that I shouldn't do that probably and figure other things out first. But I don't know. It's just been a long time coming and I've always known it would eventually end. I just didn't know when.
And I feel like once I've been I've become more financially dependent on my own because it used to be him telling me that I'll have nothing and no one will want me and everyone hates me and all this stuff.
I think him signing it and you getting the... I think that is a normal reaction. I don't think that means that you made the wrong decision. I just think it's... Like more real, I guess. Yeah, it's becoming real and that can be scary. You are entering into the unknown. That's scary. And in your case, as crazy as it sounds, especially maybe to the people listening, this is your normal.
And you know...
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Chapter 7: What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
And then the fun part is that, well, she acted like she understood, and then I... it was probably like a week after I filed and he was drunk, passed out on the couch and his phone was just like sitting there on the counter nicely. And I was like, oh, okay, I'm going to,
peek through it just for fun to see like that's your toxic trait i know i know and i've done that many times but i always find something out when i look at it so like why would i don't know anyway so i see a group conversation between two of his family members and him i was expecting to see like friends talking bad about me like you know group chat guys no i didn't see that um it was his family and they were basically like he was just lying after lie after lie like
I'm emotionally unstable. His family was like, is she even emotionally stable enough to care for those kids? Her family is white trash and they're not. So I don't know. And he would just say stuff like, They just had nothing to grasp onto. So they were just pulling from everywhere. And they're like, he said that she buys all these processed foods. And it's just bizarre, just bizarre.
What are you doing to protect yourself? Do you have a good lawyer?
And so that's another thing. Oh, and they were also trying to say that they want me to like not have any rights to my kids. And I'm like, that's just crazy. And when I read these, I was like shaking because they were just so insane and saying stuff like I'm gonna hate my kids one day. I'm gonna blame them for how my life turned out. Like just like crazy, crazy.
All because I don't want to be with them. Like literally all because I don't want to be with them.
I mean well he's also like they don't know you they know him like he's painting a picture you know so like it's not yeah I thought they knew me which was like kind of sad because I thought we had like decent relationship I thought I had a decent relationship with both of them but family you know divorce I guess brings out everyone's true colors but do you have a lawyer Okay.
So I, he made it clear before I filed, mind you, this was him saying he wants a divorce. So for so long, um, we might as well not do lawyers. Like let's not put the kids through that. And it'll be way longer of a process. Literally how he literally said this. And then when I file, he's like texting his family. I can't believe she doesn't want a lawyer. Like why isn't she want lawyers?
And it's just so sketchy to me. She's up to something like something doesn't sound right.
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Chapter 8: How can I support my partner while maintaining my own mental health?
And I,
i brought that to him i'm like you were the one that said you didn't want lawyers you're the one put the idea in my head and like the only reason it sounds good is because it can be done quicker and like i don't think you should trust this person i know i know all my family is like why aren't you getting a lawyer every one of them but then i'm over here like i can be free of him way sooner if we just do you trust him not to like screw you over financially
um i'm sure he will like i'm not trying to get like our house was put into his name 20 days before he got married so it's technically not marital property but i could probably get portion of the house given i was already pregnant and i lived in that house two years prior well i don't know what state you're in but you you definitely have some rights i mean yeah i don't think you should trust this guy i don't you know
yeah he thinks i deserve nothing i don't even deserve a car i'm like just trying to figure out all on my own to be honest i do think it might be a mistake to do that so i don't know i i yeah stop making poor decisions for yourself yeah and stop trusting this guy he's giving you every and again like you're doing the thing it's like you know i go through his phone when i find something every time like stop going through his phone yeah and then start accepting the fact that you can't trust him yeah like validating
yourself by going through his phone isn't the way to learn that lesson you know justifying going through his phone it's to stop believing his bullshit and then just go protect yourself either you both share a lawyer that represents you both in divorce court is legally bound to like do what's right for both you through some kind of mediation or you get a lawyer but like trusting that he's not going to fuck you over
and not getting any type of representation is definitely not the way to go.
I know. My biggest hurdle right now is I need a car. He's already said that I'm not getting a car and he's not giving me money for a car.
It's like you have rights. Exercise those rights. I know.
it's just scary don't wait to find out i mean like i don't just like don't wait to find out that he's going to you over i did talk with a lawyer and she was basically i don't know if they're supposed to be so cold or what but she was kinda and the main thing i kind of wanted was
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