339: Break-Up
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What feelings do we experience during a breakup?
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
It's so embarrassing. I don't want to get upset. But, like, he has a car. So the last time I saw him on purpose was just in the car in front of my house. And, I don't know, it's just bad.
Bad like when you walk out of your house, you think, like, there his car was.
Yeah, I still look for it. It's crazy.
Okay, now we're about a block from your house.
Like on that, in front of that building. Right there. This like churchy looking building. It was where we were parked when we first had the conversation where we decided we were going to be exclusive. Which was a joke. Like I don't really date around and I don't think he does either. But you know, it's kind of a big conversation. But yeah, we were parked in the middle of that block right where that white car is.
And so every time you walk down this street, you'll think like, oh, yeah, there's the spot.
I don't walk down this street. I just don't. Like, I haven't even seen him for a month. You know what I mean?
When I walked around Lauren's neighborhood with her, it had been two months since her boyfriend broke up with her. They'd gone up for about 10 months before that. She was incredibly nice to let herself be taped in still a pretty raw state. But even in the middle of that raw state, she was acutely aware and said herself that everything she was going through was a cliche. A cliche that she was forced to live through.
That's the crazy thing about it. Breaking up with someone is literally the most common thing. Everyone you know broke up with everyone they ever dated until maybe the person they're with right now, if they're with someone right now. But when it happens to you, it feels so specific. I don't want to say I can't get over it, but in a flippant way, you kind of can't get over it. You're like, what? This is what's happening? It's so shocking.
If I had to say one thing about Lauren, it's that she was full of feelings that completely contradicted each other. Which, I guess, just comes with his territory. Like, she emphatically did not want him to call. But also, maybe a little bit, wanted him to call. She missed him, and she didn't want to stop thinking about him. But she also did all this elaborate math to calculate the day that she would finally be over him and not thinking about him and with somebody else. We get to an area where she had been on walks with the ex-boyfriend. There were benches and a sidewalk promenade.
How can music help during heartbreak?
I don't know, we used to just... It's not that we took a ton of walks, but... We took some walks.
And what happened down here?
You know, I can't... I can't say that anything of substance happened. It's not like any one specific thing. It's just... I don't know.
It's just that there was an us.
I know, there really was. That's the thing that's so weird. It's like... You know, you just... You put so much energy into something and then one day it's time to stop. I don't know.
During a breakup, you just stare at what happened. There's a before and there's an after, and you just can't believe it. Lauren says she still doesn't even understand what went wrong between her and him. And that's part of it, too, so much of the time. Well, we got the idea for today's radio show from an email that a listener sent. It says... here. Dear This American Life, I'm suffering from a gut-wrenching breakup with my former boyfriend, and I searched your site for shows about breakups and general heartbreak to commiserate. But to my surprise, I didn't find many stories specifically regarding the act of breaking up. I hope you consider it. A show like that would really cheer me up. And so, with that in mind, we devote our show today to breakups. Partly today we have an anatomy of the completely contradictory feelings that are part of a breakup. I think that's what makes it such a special and particularly cursed state. And we have stories today about people trying in some very unusual, very resourceful ways to make themselves feel better during a breakup.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What feelings do we experience during a breakup?
0:01–2:31
2
How can music help during heartbreak?
2:31–6:56
3
What challenges do children face during divorce?
6:56–12:18
4
What happens when the justice system gets involved in breakups?
12:18–16:25
5
How do pets perceive divorce?
16:25–18:14
6
What are the key elements in writing a breakup song?
18:14–23:22
7
Why is Phil Collins significant in breakup music?
23:22–30:02
8
How can writing a song transform heartbreak?
30:02–57:59