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Chapter 1: What fears do we have about infidelity?
This program is both dedicated to the faithful and presented to the false hearted to encourage their renewal of temperance and virtue.
Because if a man can cheat on Megan Thee Stallion, what hope do the rest of us have?
A few weeks ago, I was zoning out, scrolling through Instagram. Dinner recipes, museum pictures, selfies. And then I saw something that shook me to my core. Cheating. Had me around your whole family playing house. Got cold feet. Holding you down through all your horrible mood swings and treatment toward me during your basketball season. And now you don't know if you can be monogamous?
Chapter 2: Why do we react strongly to celebrity cheating scandals?
Rapper Megan Thee Stallion said her boyfriend, basketball player Klay Thompson... cheated on her. The group chats activated immediately. My friends and I were stunned, shocked, and then enraged. The thing is, we don't actually know these people. And it's not the first time I've gotten worked up about a stranger's cheating scandal. Ariana Maddox and Tom Sandoval.
Fuck yourself with a fucking cheese grater. Halle Berry and Eric Benet. This is a failure in my life.
Chapter 3: What are the common reasons people cheat?
I love this man. And I thought I gave the best I had to give. Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Are you cheating on me?
Even random Reddit situations that may be made up will still definitely raise my blood pressure. I'm Jonquan Hill, and this week on Explain It to Me from Vox, the lowdown on our strong feelings about infidelity and how the rules may be changing. So why does cheating piss us off so bad, even when it's not happening to us? That's the question I asked sexologist and dating coach Myesha Battle.
I think specifically with high-profile couples, it's because we want to see them succeed, or we're excited by the prospect of the drama that unfolds from a cheating story like the Coldplay executive cheating scandal. Oh, look at these two.
Chapter 4: How does cheating affect trust in relationships?
We quickly want to identify who the villain is, who's been hurt, and then rally around the person that we want to support in that situation. Often, it's very cut and dried. If you cheated, you're a bad person. If you were cheated on, you're a good person. And that's not
obviously always the case but because cheating happens so much I think that's a really quick assumption that we can make and then kind of jump to our own conclusions and want to jump to the aid of the person who's been cheated on and then of course jump on the person who has cheated.
Do we know why people cheat? Is there research on why people do this that explains this behavior? People cheat for so many reasons.
From boredom to insecurity in the relationship to wanting to exert power or revenge in a relationship.
Chapter 5: What role does non-monogamy play in cheating?
I really love the book The State of Affairs by Esther Perel.
Often when you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn't just because you want to leave the person that you are with, but it is because you want to leave the person that you have yourself become.
She really talks about the importance of delving into what the cheating meant for the person who cheated.
What did this affair mean for you? Were you thinking about us? Did you hope I would find out? Did you think about the children?
and what the impact was on the person who was cheated on.
These questions are actually going to calm you and they give you a different sense of power over your life and over your relationship.
If you can't really understand both sides of that and give space and process both,
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Chapter 6: How is micro-cheating defined in modern relationships?
then it's not likely that you're going to get to a happy outcome on the other side of cheating, which is why it is one of the main reasons why people split up. It's a huge fracture in trust, and to rebuild that means that you have to do the work to understand why did this happen in the first place. Cheating is a choice. Monogamy is a choice. Non-monogamy is a choice.
So when people are making these choices in relationship, they have consequences and you have to be able to have conversations about why and how you repair from that.
Yeah. Can we talk about the non-monogamy piece? I think especially ethical non-monogamy, it's a phrase that's used more and more. It's tossed around quite a bit.
Chapter 7: Is it possible to have an online life without micro-cheating?
Can people who are non-monogamous cheat as well? Oh, yeah.
Yes. Because at the core of cheating is betrayal. So when I work with non-monogamous couples or people that are exploring non-monogamy, one of the first things that I do is talk about whether or not they want to create relationship agreements. Some people do. Some people don't. And the people who don't
Maybe you would identify with a more relationship anarchy style of relationship as opposed to someone who is wanting something that is very codified and making agreements that people say they're going to adhere to. hey, we're going to be open, but you can only have sex with people who are not in our friend group and only one time, right?
Chapter 8: What are the long-term effects of infidelity on relationships?
That would be an example of having relationship agreements. Whereas relationship anarchy is like, I'm going to do my own thing. We're going to see each other when we see each other. You know, there's some intentionality about that, but it's not necessarily that you have these structures around who can do what with whom.
Have you ever been cheated on?
I have been cheated on. Yeah. and actually kind of a similar, I hate to compare myself to Megan Thee Stallion and Klay Thompson, but this person cheated. We were living together. It was uncovered on Valentine's Day. It was pretty rough. And the way that he sort of told me that he had started seeing somebody was by saying, well, I'm not sure if I want monogamy, right?
And so that was a piece that came up in the Megan Thee Stallion post on Instagram. And I totally related to that. And I do think that there's definitely a person who is trying to figure out whether they can handle monogamy or non-monogamy. And they find themselves in a situation where oh shit, you know, I can't handle monogamy, right? There are people for whom that happens, of course.
But are there people that use non-monogamy as an excuse for their behavior? Absolutely.
For anyone who's listening, who's going through this, who's gone through this, what are some first steps towards healing?
It is a trauma, and I think recognizing it and labeling it as such is a great first step. It's not just something that happened in your relationship. It has an impact on you. It may have an impact on whether the relationship continues. You know, in my case, it was my living situation. You know, I couldn't stay there.
You know, it impacts so many things and you're feeling all of that in your nervous system. It can create a PTSD response. It can certainly diminish your feelings of trust and safety in relationships of all kinds.
So really having a lot of support during this time, whether that's family and community that just takes you in, no questions asked, like mine did, or friends saying, you know, I've been through the same thing and whatever you need, let me help. Like my friend coming with garbage bags to just dump all my stuff and get me out of the house. Yeah. Or, you know, starting therapy when you're ready.
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