Top Flight Time Machine
Episodes
Dismantled Millennium Falcon
25 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The Oscars, Lysette Anthony, Cockneys, North Korea, Graeme Souness’ latest masterclass, Puel’s coin-drop future and nothing about Kepa… Hosted o...
Senor Dis ‘n’ Dat
23 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Sam v Avis Spain, and some match predictions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Brother Penguin
19 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Mailbag time - a shoeless stray man sex fail, some cricketing lies, a senseless Koi Carp attack, a vetting stick, and we make plans to visit the Boat ...
Don’t Let Grandma Know
18 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Hiding a dog childbirth situation in your bedroom, Sam’s brother goes part-stray, and we ask if ResultsBot has a gender. Oh, and a TFTM badge update...
Dear Alan Yentob...
15 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We plan to take over BBC’s ‘This Week, Frank Lampard heads for Brighton, and we dissect Pele’s bullshit goal… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/p...
Skittish Laminating
12 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We dip our snouts into the correspondence trough again - includes stray men, teenage nicking, fresh bull, dad lies and a renewed attack on the charact...
The Nature of Greed
11 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We pitch a underground disaster movie to David Lynch, look into river-on-river violence, and explore Frank Lampard's bid for automatic promotion based...
Robot Hutchence
08 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Some ants, we pitch a Radio 4 comedy, ResultsBot gets up to no good on his own, teenage shoplifting and the heat is on for one unlucky kid… Hosted o...
Confident Rich Kids
05 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
A delve into the mailbag reveals unsavoury iPod control, a shark-based TV pitch, a stray man who doesn’t stray too far, possibly the best day off sc...
Pint Of Saint Clement’s Please
04 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We launch the Iron Filings Society, Sam gets up on a table, we hear an adoption lie story and there’s a horrifying cat story (which might upset some...
Mouse!
01 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Can newborn babies see? Can a cat talk? Can dogs work in benefits offices? Is predicting like heavyweight boxing? Can you coax a tapeworm out with fru...
RIP Mother & Cubs
31 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
A round-up of your contributions - limb removal, a trouser-removing cricket injury, beating up Paul Weller's bodyguards and loads more... Hosted on Ac...
The Benevolent Skinhead
28 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Some off-the-peg banter, plans to mess someone right up using only an iPad and a drone, plus ResultsBot flies off the handle and a man apologises to a...
You Do It!
25 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
A round-up of some of the best contributions from our magnificent listeners. Bullshits, sexual fails, hero fantasies, waking up in strange places and ...
Energy Drink, Rope and Sunglasses
24 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
A tragic real-life tree man, Gabriel Higuain let loose in Argos, and the amazing story of the British family running amok in New Zealand... Hosted on ...
Double Tap On The Helmet
21 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
More this and that, including Mr Tickle’s penis, the Top Cat lifestyle, and a bit of football stuff… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for mo...
Pochettino's Teenage Legs
18 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Some customer feedback, the joys of a random number generator and we tell you the correct opinions to have about Bielsa's spying campaign. Hosted on A...
Different Times
14 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Huge TFTM monetisation plans, a Japanese restaurant update, and our sincere attempt to be better men in the modern world. And some football stuff. Hos...
An Hour Of Loud Swearing
11 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Some football stuff, a homage to ‘Allo ‘Allo, a massive snooker table, a security guard with sexy-but-cat-killing fingers and an axe-wielding scoo...
Dog Leg Arm Transplant
07 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Some live FA Cup giant-killing reaction, stupid dreams, fresh bull and some drug-addled ride-pimpers go to work on a Mini Cooper... Hosted on Acast. S...
Whiskey Snake
04 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We pitch our travelogue TV show which might include a trip to Tranmere. Plus more bull and a gerbil-infused romantic fail... Hosted on Acast. See acas...
Self-Defending Eyes
02 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Some eye science, dirty tricks at a Scouse card game, the stray man, Sam's hero fantasies, Andy's Blackpool death and the disgrace that is Roy Orbison...
Pub Reggae Party Spliff Baby
01 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The mechanism moves forward, Sam's brother turns legal eagle, some 'you do it' advice, and a Keown power play... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privac...
Happy Perineum!
28 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A job for Joe Hart in the TFTM media empire, some more looking back and ahead, the possibility of a Liverpool title win and some sexy robot thoughts.....
Alien Meeting
24 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
An inappropriate Nan Santa scene, a Likely Lads look back, predictions, and some woodland extra-terrestrial team bonding. Oh, and what REALLY happened...
Bum Ham For Tea
21 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A look ahead to a Scouse Christmas, Souness' thoughts on the Old Trafford job vacancy, horseplay with Andrey Arshavin, some top notch bull and a visit...
Keane v Souness - The Deep Dive
18 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A look back at Roy and Graeme's dual pundit appearance covering Liverpool v Man United at the weekend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more...
Digging for Disneyland
14 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Ralph Rabbithutch, Tony Adams’ rugby takeover, your finest tales of liars, a look ahead to Keane v Souness, and some football stuff… Hosted on Aca...
Big Cow
10 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Robot and human racism, liars, a grandstanding handstanding ex-Marine, the weekend's football and at last, Sam's big cow story... Hosted on Acast. See...
Rag & Bone Retraction
07 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
An important correction, some prediction leaderboard movement, Alf Ramsey’s World Cup Willie and a bedtime story… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/p...
2007-2008
05 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Some eye-opening revelations about Sir David Attenborough, a limo trip to Wigan, leg-breaking on The One Show, and some football stuff… Hosted on Ac...
Jordan Penguin
03 Dec 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Advent calendar woes, festive tea tasting, kidnap, a Bobby Charlton visit, a washbag in a top hat, and the weekend's football analysed... Hosted on Ac...
Christmas Subbuteo Carnage
30 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A heartwarming Delaney family Christmas tale, Pancho From The Flats, Arthur Fowler and some football predictions... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/pri...
2006-2007
28 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
West Ham’s rollercoaster season, Ian Holloway talks tight buns, Les Reed has a go and Sam eats a curry in his pants… Hosted on Acast. See acast.co...
Crying Hammer
26 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A look back, a flare mule, plans for our new airport-based accent school, a power-play against Roy Keane and some other stuff. (Apologies for Sam's mi...
The Noel and Phil Show
23 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Lots of stuff about Edmonds and Collins. Plus a bit of football stuff and some stuff where Sam gets (rightly) abused by the public. Hosted on Acast. S...
Bez's Tax Tip
19 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We plan to send ResultsBot to his Saudi doom, Dean Saunders shares a Patrick Kluivert story, plus Babybel, a courtroom self-defender and Reg Varney v ...
The Jar Boys
15 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Wayne Rooney – this is your life! Plus Sam’s toothbrush woes, ResultsBot’s love life, we come up with a surefire hit movie, and there’s a Rod ...
Passing Is Boring
12 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A look back at the weekend’s action, Ridley Scott’s ball jet, a legally-dubious Charlie Austin story and Roy Keane on David Silva’s suit stunt…...
Garrison Keillor’s Leaf Blower
09 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Unsavoury bush-based activities, a disgraced American author, an anonymous complaint about Spurs, some bonus Keane stuff and the match predictions… ...
Predict! Predict! Predict! Predict!
04 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Andy gets knocked back by TWO celeb ladies in 24 hours, we dismiss Wayne Rooney's charity match while planning our own awards ceremony, and there's a ...
Eddie Wow, More Like
02 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A rethink on the Bournemouth boss, Andy van der Meyde’s sex-and-zebra lifestyle, Pokemon rage and our new job editing Waitrose magazine… Hos...
Goose Chat
29 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A goose appears in a pram, Sam's brother becomes consumed by his growing fame, we become enraged by computer TV hosts, and there's yet more goose stuf...
‘Brian? It’s Bryan…’
26 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Sam’s brother tries a power play on Sheffield Wednesday’s owner, Ferry begs Eno to hook him up with ITV and we look ahead to the weekend’s footb...
Top Gear with Grace Jones
23 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Wenger’s lonely exile, dog seeds, Puel’s motivational floor ham, Keegan’s tea towel justice system, and our bid to be the next next Top Gear hos...
Wembley Sale Collapses
19 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Shahid Khan's bid to buy Wembley collapses, Gwyneth Paltrow turns up in the studio next door, Eddie Howe gets enraged, plus lots more (and some predic...
Reg Varney and the Stag Man
15 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Quiet international week - we discuss Robin of Sherwood, the first UK cash machine, James Bond visiting a Wetherspoons and Sam finally tells his nunne...
Clockwork Keegan
12 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
England’s new fictional squad of youngsters dissected, some insight at the Tactics Board, and will a bewigged and bobble-hatted Andy play for the Fa...
Balcony Cycling
08 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Is Leicester City an Illuminati power play? And just who is wearing Claude Puel’s face? Also, the time Sam met Jimmy Savile and a look back at the w...
Put Your Cabbage Sauce Away
05 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Some looking back AND ahead, a dash over to the tactics board, Roy Keane reports on cabbages from his spider hole, Sam shares a potato attack story, a...
2005-2006
03 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Keane is tormented by Professor Yaffle in a Portuguese villa, Souness goes on hunger strike after getting sacked, Roeder runs out of coaching tokens, ...
The Thing About Robots
01 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A look back at the weekend as well as a call for more fun in football, the evolution of Tree Man, a glimpse into the life of ResultsBot and the time S...
Deep Dive Debut
28 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The big win that Sam missed, an introduction to our new STATS ZONE, some speed awareness course chat, and being buried alive in a German forest… Hos...
2004-2005
26 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Rupert Lowe's quest for cleanliness on the South Coast and beyond, Graeme Souness' relish at his players' on-pitch scrapping, young Wayne Rooney and a...
Glenn The Baby
24 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
All the weekend's football TALKING POINTS including baby names, post-vasectomy abilities, and whether multi-culturalism will kill off the UK ladder in...
A Look Ahead With Talking Points
21 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Our first weekend preview show, including the introduction of Results Bot and Anne Diamond. Also, is a man familiar to the show actually in charge of ...
2003-2004
19 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The season of the Arsenal Invincibles… plus Saddam Hussein’s capture in a spider hole, Denis Irwin’s simple lifestyle, the demise of Leeds and t...
Harry Winks' Seabed Volcano League
17 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Marco Silva is exposed as a fraud, Tree Man's authority is undermined, Sam says a terrible word and we restate our inclusivity for everyone, including...
2002-2003
13 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The Leeds babies are dismantled, Zorro arrives in the Premiership, Alex Ferguson unleashes his squeaky bum and Graeme Souness wages war on sandwiches....
Ridley Scott’s Hand Dryer
10 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Not much football to look back at so we’re focussing on hand dryers, dressing up as posh old men, a gas mascot, and the enormous potential in Roy Ke...
Time Machine Live - Shoot! Annual 1987
09 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
As part of the London Podcast Festival, we performed a live episode, looking back at the 1987 Shoot! annual and singing a song at the end (which we ha...
Big Sam's Coming Home
03 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
It's time for Allardyce to return to his spiritual home of West Ham, why Ed Woodward is better than you, fond memories of hiring a nan and more love f...
BONUS: News Thing
31 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
If you haven’t heard our other podcast, now’s your chance. It’s basically TFTM but with news instead of football. This latest episode includes s...
2001-2002
30 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We meet the player with the best name to pronounce in a Scouse accent, hear a chilling 9/11 prediction and the future for Jacob Rees-Mogg, Sven sells ...
Arsene Wenger The Baby
27 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Tree Man’s Hammers lose again, Bullet Baxter and Lesser T-Bird both eke out draws, Rameses does a trick, we find out where Arsene Wenger has been an...
2000-2001
23 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The season of dead Peter Taylor’s wearable face, more from David O’Leary’s kindergarten, Gianluca Vialli’s horrific holiday wear, Liverpool’...
Portuguese Farm Man
20 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A man caught in a cat lie, some naturalistic holiday art, the Cypriot toilet scene, goat trading in football and some of the weekend’s action analys...
1999-2000
16 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Ruud Gullit’s Toon strop, David O’Leary’s creepy baby fixation, Kanu’s motoring sadness, and the return of a much-loved Time Machine favourite...
Rubbing Pellegrini's Face
13 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
All the football is back – we have a look at it, propose a new VIP option for West Ham, discuss Disney princesses, consider the ramifications of a l...
2018-2019 Season Preview
09 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Ahead of our new, weekly topical episodes, we’ve sent the Time Machine forwards to try and predict what will happen in the coming season. We also wa...
1998-1999
07 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Roy Evans gets eased out, John Gregory gives mental health advice, Phil Babb clatters his knackers, Robbie Fowler sniffs the pitch, and Joe Kinnear’...
World Cup 2018
19 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
To Russia, and the most recent World Cup! England fever, getting erotically hobbled by the president of Croatia, some more deeply unsavoury anecdotes,...
World Cup 2014
08 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
To Brazil… a goalfest with fair-play Colombian shame, some tattoo stories, Luis Suarez’s teeth injury, Stevie Wonder’s driving abilities, and a ...
World Cup 2010
05 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
To South Africa… but what if it had been Libya? There's a scaffolding-wielding mascot, misery for England, zodiac-based team selections, Paul the ps...
World Cup 2006
02 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
To Germany, with a hungover and semi-naked mascot, a trip to a Hungarian circus, the bawdiness of Baden Baden, another dream from John Laptop-Case, tr...
World Cup 2002
28 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
To South Korea, and breakfast boozing, the worst mascots to date, Keane v McCarthy, outrage at a foreign England boss, some tree-bound lavatorial horr...
World Cup 1998
25 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
France 1998. Knife-wielding Italian hooligans, Ronaldo, disgusting wardrobe squatting, Zidane, dream analysis, speedballs, Beckham, a chat show dog th...
World Cup 1994
21 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A yankee doodle World Cup, with ITV's anti-tan strategy, Maradona's five-drug cocktail, imaginary noncing, a tale about Steve Jones from The Pyramid G...
World Cup 1990
18 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Italia 90 – the worst mascot so far, some patchy football, a school play, an unexpected rat’s tail, Roger Milla’s love tree, short man syndrome ...
World Cup 1986
15 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
To Mexico! We discuss the sanitary arrangements of England's group opponents, the correct pronunciation of 'jalapeno', cocaine-fuelled football and wh...
World Cup 1982
12 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
School art displays, Naranjito’s sex life, alphabetical squad numbers, a dead OAP’s TV, squad songs, the worst assault on a football pitch EVER an...
1997-1998
31 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Christian Gross arrives on the tube, Roy Hodgson returns from European exile, Temuri Ketsbaia has a striptease meltdown, Ron Noades appoints himself a...
1996-1997
18 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Graeme Souness is duped into signing Ali Dia, Kevin Keegan gets confused about miracles, Howard Wilkinson lashes out at Leeds and plots a swallow-base...
1995-1996
03 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Sexy sexy sexy. With sexy foreigners, sexy football, the sexy team bus video that killed Newcastle United's title challenge and Peter Schmeichel's sco...
1994-1995
19 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Another season examined by Andy and Sam, including George Graham's hole in the corner, how many helicopters you'd need to lower an elephant into Selhu...
1993-1994
02 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Some of the highlights of the Premier League's second season, including speculation over the smell of John Gorman, Alex Ferguson's cocker spaniel obse...
1992-1993
19 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The dawning of the Premier League and the rebirth of football itself. All the major issues are discussed, including cheerleaders, Jack Walker's millio...