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Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!

Insult Dogs and Emotional Support Alligators

13 Jun 2026

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?

0.031 - 10.29 Ira Glass

This is Ira Glass. On This American Life, one thing we like is a good mystery. Sometimes about really big things, but most times, the little mysteries are the best.

0

10.59 - 15.619

Our lost and found is currently filled with pants. I don't know what, I've never seen this happen.

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16.06 - 16.721 Alzo Slade

Wait, this is true?

0

16.761 - 17.322

This is true.

0

18.004 - 20.388 Shane Torres

Mysteries of every size, each week.

21.069 - 23.794 Ira Glass

This American Life, wherever you get your podcasts.

28.55 - 51.82

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Alzo Slade, filling in for no one. I am the filling. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Alzo.

51.84 - 52.261 Ira Glass

Thank you, everybody.

Chapter 2: How does Robert Smigel create humor with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog?

52.281 - 69.052 Ira Glass

Thank you. Thank you. Good to be back home in Chicago. Thank you so much. We have a wonderful show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to the legendary comedy writer Robert Smigel. He is also the hand up the butt of Triumph, the insult comic dog.

0

70.394 - 92.238 Ira Glass

His latest project is a podcast where he and his friends give advice to non-funny people on how to be funny and know we don't need his help. We're just visiting with him. We'd love to have a chat with you, too. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

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Chapter 3: What unique advice does Robert Smigel give to non-funny people?

92.298 - 95.466 Alzo Slade

Hi, this is Emily Dykhaus, and I'm calling from Holland, Michigan.

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95.486 - 104.789 Ira Glass

Holland, Michigan, there on the opposite shore. Thank you. Of Lake Michigan. We could walk outside and wave to you across the lake. What do you do there?

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104.809 - 116.356 Alzo Slade

So I actually work as an admin assistant and an occasional grant writer for a non-profit immigration legal office here in Holland. And that is probably us.

0
0

118.628 - 123.152 Alzo Slade

Thank you. And that's probably as stressful as it sounds.

123.272 - 139.768 Ira Glass

Yeah, I was about to, I mean, yeah, you probably didn't think that you'd be like, I don't know, a warrior for good when you took that job. Well, welcome to the show, Emily. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, she's a writer and comedian who most recently wrote for Clean Slate.

Chapter 4: How does the panel engage with listener contestants?

139.908 - 142.29 Ira Glass

That's available on Prime. It's Shantira Jackson.

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142.471 - 144.593 Shantira Jackson

Hi, Emily.

0

144.613 - 144.973

Hey, Shantira. Hi.

0

146.843 - 178.703 Ira Glass

Next, he's a comedian you can see in Portland, Oregon at Kickstand, July 18th, and in Denver at Dude IDK Studio on July 24th and 25th. It's Shane Torres. Hello. Hi. And he is a co-host of the podcast The Nightly and will be performing at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, Massachusetts on September 19th. It's Josh Gondelman. Hello. Hello. So, Emily, welcome to the show.

0

178.723 - 180.425 Ira Glass

You're going to play Who's Alzo this time.

Chapter 5: What funny anecdotes do the panelists share during the quiz?

180.445 - 190.417 Ira Glass

Alzo Slade is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

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191.157 - 194.922 Alzo Slade

I hope so. I've been listening to the show for years, so I'm so excited.

0

195.142 - 212.16 Ira Glass

Yeah, we're not going to do any of that material, though. This is all new. President Barack Obama. Here, Emily, is your first quote. It was heard in New York City Wednesday night.

0

212.821 - 218.047

My mayor's Muslim, my bagel's Jewish, the Pope's on our side, Knicks in five.

0

220.529 - 230.881 Ira Glass

That was the chant heard across New York City. As for the first time since 1973, the Knicks were on the verge of winning what? The NBA championship.

Chapter 6: How do the panelists discuss the impact of sports on culture?

230.901 - 232.183 Ira Glass

Yes, the NBA championship.

0
0

234.982 - 254.329 Ira Glass

New York has fallen in love with this team with millions of New Yorkers discovering just this week that they are lifelong Knicks fans. This has become a national story. Some say that's just because so much media is based in New York. But according to the media based in New York, shut up, Rubes.

0

256.191 - 273.587 Ira Glass

Everybody is talking about all the celebrities who go to the Knicks games, like Timothee Chalamet and Spike Lee. But that's not fair. San Antonio has celebrities at their games, too. Timothee Chalamet and Spike Lee have been flying in for them. I'm a big New York Liberty fan. That's my one New York team.

0

273.607 - 274.107

The WNBA team.

274.127 - 280.558 Ira Glass

Yeah, that's right. And every Liberty game, they show writer Fran Lebowitz on the jumbo truck.

Chapter 7: What insights are shared about emotional support animals?

280.578 - 281.259

Really? That's it?

0

281.279 - 283.082 Ira Glass

And everyone goes crazy.

0

283.123 - 285.987

No, there's other celebrities too, but Fran is a mainstay.

0

286.168 - 306.994 Ira Glass

Really? They're just so excited to see her. It's awesome. The finals have affected all of New York, even for people who don't follow basketball. Traffic, nonexistent during the games. You can walk into the most exclusive restaurants in the city without a reservation. And of course, there's no better time to break into TimothƩe Chalamet's house.

0

309.918 - 311.58 Alzo Slade

I don't want anything out of there.

312.37 - 316.416

Wouldn't it be fun, though, just to know you could wander around?

316.596 - 319.039 Alzo Slade

Just wander around and find the skinniest pants.

319.059 - 322.044

Oh, yeah.

Chapter 8: What conclusions do the panelists draw about the future of humor?

322.064 - 345.662 Ira Glass

This is true, by the way. Most people, very excited about the Knicks, except for June brides. Oh. And apparently it just got worse because now with the games going back to San Antonio for perhaps the deciding game on Saturday, all of those weddings are like in chaos, right? It's just like, who's going to be focusing on the wedding?

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346.283 - 370.813 Ira Glass

I mean, everybody's going to be a little teary-eyed at the where's her father dance. I gave away my little girl in 20 grand. Yeah. My sweet daughter, Kalshi. A beautiful name for a baby girl. All right. Here is your next quote. It's from a commenter in the New York Times on a story.

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371.153 - 378.345

The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. People are staring at these at night instead of having sex.

0

378.365 - 386.758 Ira Glass

That was someone talking about two new studies that have finally proved that what technology has caused the birth rate to decline.

0

387.65 - 393.204 Alzo Slade

Oh, my God. I feel like it's cell phones, but I also feel like that's way too obvious.

393.304 - 397.174 Ira Glass

It's way too obvious, but apparently it's true. Specifically, smartphones.

397.194 - 398.638

Yes. Oh, my God.

401.082 - 423.223 Ira Glass

Yes, new research has finally proved something people have long suspected. The arrival of smartphones in 2007 directly caused a significant drop in the birth rate. That is why so many since then have felt the sting of hearing, not tonight, honey, I'm watching a miniature pony play the piano. Well, we have to be clear about how this happened, right?

423.243 - 428.288

It's not like physiological. Like, guys can't be like, no, no, no, we don't need to use protection. I have an Android. Right.

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