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Chapter 1: What insights do Louisa and Jack share about success and recognition?
Friday you ain't got no job and you ain't got shit to do hello bedwetters and welcome back to the we mean well podcast hosted by louisa dal din and jack archdale strap yourselves in for what will be a truly insightful and life-changing experience i was thinking like the mate one of my measures of success it would be if like your old school called you up to be the speaker
Judge, I always think that. Do you? Because I went to broadcasting school and I'm like, why haven't you fuckheads called me? We're not there yet. Well, they have people who do less than us. Fucking who? He hated me though. Remember I told you about him and now he does like real estate ads on TikTok. He's like, hey guys, put your mortgage here. Oh, true. But he hated me.
He said I'd amount to nothing pretty much. Well, he's kind of right. Yeah, when they hate you, I think it means you'll be the most successful. It's a written rule. Sometimes it doesn't. But don't you reckon? How weird is that? I just thought it would be one of the measures of success. I think they will, Jack. I think we can start with that. Oh, I was going to clap and start. No, I like that.
You started. I like that, Jack. All right, well, if you're listening, Taz, if you ever want to fucking give me a bell, I'll go back and I'll talk to the kids. I'll come too and we'll play a snippet of the podcast and that'll really go down well. Yeah, we'll play the bit where we talk about all humans just essentially being baked to cum. Yeah, or when we spoke about whale sperm for 40 minutes.
And the level in which they will ejaculate, which is a fuckload. Don't forget about hippo cum. There was that too. Hum. Yeah, hum. There was hum. Broadcasting school in New Zealand, if you want a mediocre podcaster and radio host times two, you got us two. Yeah, let's go to a Kiwi school and just see like the difference between the education levels. You're quite cruel to the Kiwis. Not at all.
I'm half Kiwi. I'm calling your parents. I'm half fucked. We're not fucked. No, yeah, yous are all good. We're a great breed. You know what? You are a great breed of people. You're tight. You're known for being tight, the Kiwis. There is a stereotype of Kiwis being tight. With cash? Yep. I just bought you a beautiful present. Not everything's about you, Dalton. I'm a Kiwi. What? Don't.
Don't stir it. No, there is. There is a. Fine, I'll take your present back and I'll use it myself. See, tight Kiwis. She got us a dildo, by the way. No, I got Jarch and Stiff a stay-kay before baby arrived. Yeah, she did. What's that called? A baby moon. Ah, boom. No, no, but I'm not – listen, don't be – No, it's back now. I'm taking it.
Violet, you want to come to the stay-kay with me tonight? Guys, guys. You free? Yeah. Cool. No, you're free to film. Okay. You're not invited. Is there actually a stigma? I've never heard about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is. There is. Really? I've got some very generous friends. Of course you do. But there was like – There has been a bit of a stigma with Kiwis that they're a bit tight.
Didn't know that. Shout your friends a coffee, guys.
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Chapter 2: What humorous anecdotes arise during the Scattergories game?
Yeah, you Kiwis. Stop being such fucking tight arses. Get out there and shout some rounds. Act like your bigger, better, older brother, the Aussies. You know what I mean? I thought you were going to say shout some rams. Shout some rams. Hey. We've got to talk about off campus. Oh, what? Just quickly.
Yeah, sweetheart. It says that the stereotype's kind of based about the country itself, not the people itself.
So I guess it may be the way the country is run, not the people. Yeah, you piece of shit. Well, not from my experience.
Willie.
Willie. Don't look it up. It's all good. You guys are free tonight for our steak, hey, right? Yeah. Cool. Don't look at me like you want to come, buddy. You're not invited anymore. No, that was very generous, Louisa. Thank you for that. Well, you guys deserve it. Fuck, that was nice. You deserve it. That was very kind of you. That probably would have made Steve cry.
No, you're one of the not tight Kiwis, to be honest. Thanks, mate. No, no, very, very kind of you. Of course. You're my best friend. Kisses. You're definitely one of mine. No acquaintances. Okay, so what is this? Oh, my God, Jack. Is this with the really hot cunt from Australia? Yes, Josh Houston. He was on the bloody buses. He was on Heartbreak High. Remember we did an ad for them? Yep. Yep.
We actually had a heartbreak high guy on the potty.
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Chapter 3: How do Louisa and Jack discuss the concept of 'dad dick'?
Yeah, it wasn't him. That's Spider. He was a fucking good fella, that fella. He was. He was great. But no, oh, my God. Sorry. This cunt. Yeah, he's hot. But please. He is hot. Get up, Garrett. Get up, Garrett, Willie. I love you, Wumpy, so much, but fuck me up. He's a hot lead character. She was walking around, Wumpy, going, I'd let this Garrett fella knock farts straight out of me. I was not.
What was his name? Go Garrett off campus. What a four neck boy. So he's like the lead character. Also, I'm only on episode two, but I'll be binge watching it all weekend. Garrett gets shot. No, he doesn't. No, I've read the synopsis. You know how I read my Wikipedias. I read my Wikipedias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's four books. I'm hoping there'll be four scissors. Garrett's got tits.
No, that's the main actress. She's beautiful. She is gorgeous. That's all right. He's a hot hunk of spunk too. He looks hotter in the series. Dude, he looks pretty fucking hot there, mate. I don't know, Bellotomy or something? Bellotomy. No, it's his last name. His name's Bellotomy. It's his last name, I think. He's never, ever picked up. He looks so tremendous, but his front name is Bellotomy.
No, it's just hyping Garrett off. Hey, man. God, you're stunning. What's your name? He's like, Bellotomy. What was his name? I just want you to try and guess. Bellotomy. I think that might be his last name. No, it's Belmont Camelli. There we go. Oh, close. Fucking hell. No, it wasn't close. Get him up, Willie.
Chapter 4: What are the challenges and joys of impending parenthood?
Get Josh off the screen. Do you reckon you might be dyslexic? Probably. Yeah, maybe. I do say things around the wrong way. Sometimes I think I am because I just. Go left, third, where it says Gersh, down. Oh, that one. Go that one in the white. Up, Willie. There. No, go left. He looked way hotter in the last photo. Yeah, go Gersh. This one? No, there. Whatever that is. Oh, yeah.
You'd rather be sucking him than sucking a footie. He is gorgeous, but not as gorgeous as my Lockie, but he's pretty cool. No, no, listen. Wampy is handsome. We know that, but he's objectively more good looking. He looks kind of like a younger version. You know that Welsh actor? I do. Luke something or other. Skywalker? No. Skywalker? Skywalker. I think you said Skywalker. I said Skywalker.
Go three plays. It sounded like Skywalker, which is a hilarious character to think. Luke Evans. Luke Evans. Luke Skywalker. He's just going. Just walks everywhere. Who's that? He's a depressed Skywalker. That's his old cousin, Luke Skywalker. He's just walking around with a lightsaber that is floppy. Lou, he's got a floppy. It goes out. It goes. And he goes. Hey, Willie, you're right.
He does look like Luke Evans. Luke Evans, but not my Balmati's way hotter. My Balmati. But, I mean, he looks like a younger version. He really does. Can I just tell you his character? I haven't finished it yet, but trust me, I would have finished it by our next episode. He's like the bad boy ice hockey player. And he just like, all the girls want him as a girlfriend.
And then I think he's going to fall in love with, boyfriend, I can't even speak, fall in love with the main character. She's also beautiful and can sing and play piano. We put the waters in the fridge. Shut up. We're talking about off-campus. Oh, you sassy little bucka. You're a sassy little bucka. Shut up. Well, you keep telling the bed. Okay.
So it's just like one of those good classic – it's like Tell Me Lies but not as fucked up. Real raunchy.
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Chapter 5: How do they explore the stigma of Kiwis being 'tight'?
A lot of tits. Oh, is it? A lot of nudity. What's the show called? Off-campus, Jack. Off-campus? Yeah. Pinch of titties? Yeah, there's some tits. Wait, how much tits? Well, first episode there were some tits. What, big solid calcium cannons? Yes. Well, how many butt? Well, it was just one sex scene. Well, I'm going to watch it now. Okay, Mr. Skywalker.
You're watching the series going... I've just spilt water all over me. That is water, not ejaculate. I tell you what... It's a really good series. Everyone watch it. Have you guys ever seen the Sydney Sweeney scene in Euphoria? I watch it, Jack. Where it's just there's a bit of a... Bit of growling going on. All of them have her boobs in them. Fuck, they're tremendous.
Let me just be straight up here. They are. Just absolutely phenomenal. They sit very well. There's a tremendous nipple to tit ratio. Areolas as round as Uncle Vernon. The tit-to-tush ratio is also sublime. Willie, if I can just. The tit-to-tush ratio, sublime. Sublime. How about me going, when I've literally just gone, he's so hot. Yeah, you've been drooling over fucking.
But I'm not talking about, I'm just talking about his face. Yeah, but you've thought about that, haven't I? You have. No, I have not. No, you have. Well, of course you have. I haven't. Because if you are, if there's a fundamental, basic, intrinsic attraction to another human, you will ponder on the anatomy. I would not. You've never thought of his blue vein custard chugger. No. Not once.
To be fair, he was sitting in these Calvin Klein undies. Yeah. But they made it look, you know, like they sort of positioned him so he's sort of. Oh, he's hogged. I don't know. You couldn't see. The kid would be hogged within an inch of his life. All these actors seem to just have hammers. Yeah. It's just Hogathon 350. Maybe it's a prerequisite. That's why you guys never made actors. Yeah.
He's got a hog. And trust me, if he was in the studio, we'd nickname you Hogs Breath Cafe. Because you'd be into it. It's good stuff. I'm happy with it. Blumpy listens to this and his mother. The pig hunter. It's not funny, boys. That would be his nickname. Don't nod over and point your head at me. Wumpy, I think Wumpy can be pretty safe in his appendages. I think he's absolutely fine.
In fact, you've shown me things that are of a similar elk. Jack, I have not. Will he? Yeah.
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Chapter 6: What are the hosts' opinions on viral content and influencers?
Oh, stop. Well, the guy could never trip over. Do you know what I mean? There's no way he could fall forward. Stop it. Enough on this, please. Violet's got her mouth open. Ready for him. I'm just sitting here in disbelief. Yeah, disbelief. Well, Wumpy's a very tall, handsome, good-looking. No, but he's a thick. He's confident within himself. Violet, please tell them to stop.
I just don't want to picture. I'm picturing Wumpy now and I don't want to do that. Oh, Violet. For God's sakes, everyone. That makes one of us. Yeah, exactly. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself, sister. Me and Willie are having a great old time. Yeah. In fact, let me paint you a picture. You're in a sauna. With Wumpy. Towel on. He struts out. Gee whiz. Dripping with sweat. He unleashes.
Oh, my God. Oh, my. Shut up, Jack. Do you know how people have said that I shouldn't narrate books? I'm going to write fan fiction Wumpy. Wumpy erotica. Wumpy erotica. Dude, I'm about to flip this desk. Oh, my God, Willie. Erotica. Do you know, one P called Jarch the other day, so excited. I won't say the Instagram page idea. No, it's a great idea.
But he called Jarch for like some, like, you know, what do you think, mate? And they were just having this conversation back and forth. Yeah, yeah, but you could get this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were getting really excited.
Chapter 7: What are the reactions to the recent trends in eating videos?
It is... Because it's something that you don't really see that often anymore but it takes you back to nostalgia, doesn't it? And that's what you want. That's what people are looking for, a bit of escapism. He found something the other day to do with it outside the pub and he stops and he goes like this. He lifts his phone up, he puts it on its side. He's like a 60-year-old.
He's going, yep, beautiful. Fuck, he's good. He knows when he's taking photos of me, though, thirst traps to go that way. Yeah, you've got to go portrait. Yeah. I don't want to sit here and brag. In fact, I'd hate to. Oh, fucking hell. I've just closed all my rings. I knew you were going to say that. If I. What did you do this morning, Will? You had a good morning? I've just closed all my rings.
Did you have a coffee this morning? I had a coffee and I'm back at the gym as well. Oh, cool. All right, here we go. Oh, yes, double time. To be fair, I walked seven Ks this morning and I did Pilates last night. Holy shit. First time in what, four months? We train well. We are better than everybody. Sorry, hey, bedwetters. Don't mean to put it out there into the ether and we don't.
But you're all pathetic. But we are pathetic. And we're all way better. I wonder what time Brockman got out. Probably not as early as us. Actually, Brockman texted me today. The kid wants round two. Oh, of tinny. He's got the itch. He's got the itch. Now, I said two pills, that'll go away. Yeah. And then I said once you're sorted, we'll get into tennis. And so I said to him, brother.
I've already trained and boxed this morning, mate. I said, let's do it tomorrow, huh? Let daddy rest. Down in Bondi? We'll figure it out. I'll come say g'day. That'd be great. I'll film you guys if you want. That'd be great. You're just the tennis whore. Mate, I love it. It's just because, I don't know. Who's next? I don't know. Peter Overton? That's the natural progression, isn't it?
Naturally, you'd go from one of Australia's tremendous athletes to Peter Overton. To Pistol Pete, dude. He's a gun out on the court. I reckon he probably would be. Same. I think he'd have some athleticism. It's a real news anchor sport, tennis. For sure. He'd be good at golf too, wouldn't he? Yeah. What do you think his hog would be like? I reckon sweaty and thick.
Don't bring this podcast into disrepute. Damage is done, kid. Please don't. Peter Overton's a great bloke. You know what? I've only bumped into him down the street.
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Chapter 8: How do Louisa and Jack conclude the episode with their final thoughts?
Lovely. And just went fucking, oh, g'day, Pete. How you going? And he was like, it was something like, oh, g'day, mate. Lovely to see you. And I was like, god dang, you're a cool fucking dude. You would have met him, Violet. Yeah. You know who I'd love to get on the pod? Who?
Who?
Larry Emder. Oh, yes. Oh, Larry, he's so good. Larry's a hoot. Can we try and get Larry on? Well, not with that rubbish that just went on. No, Larry's funny. No, Larry's funny. Yeah, he is. We can talk about Larry's hog. We went on the morning show with Les. Yeah, we did. Get Larry on. Write that down, please, Violet Darling.
I'd love to get Larry and I love that he's lent into the fact that he's known. Why don't you get Lazar on when I'm – that week you don't need me. Could be a great idea. Well, it's not that you don't need me when I'm away. Definitely. We need you. But you and Laz, I think, would be a bit of fun. I mean, I'd love to do Larry as well, but Laz and Judge. He's up. You've got wumps.
Now, I think getting – oh, fuck, what was I going to say? Now, hold on. What I was saying is he – That's not Laz. Dude. Yeah, that's Laz. What? Yeah, rigged out. Are we all on heat today or something? Laz has just been getting in shape. Shout out to him. The kid's in shape. Wow, Laz. Yeah, the kid's got shape. How old's Laz? 50-odd. That's a pretty phenomenal rig, Larry.
You're fucking right it is. Well done. And I love that he's lent into the fact that Australia-wide, his name is synonymous with benders. He's 61. No, he's not. Holy dang. He's 61? Yeah. That's a bit of a red for 61. God, he looks better than us. That's like a bit of Lenny Kravitz about that. He looks better than you guys. No, fucking Othie does. Yeah.
What?
That's fucking, I reckon we've got to get Botox or something, Willie. Yeah, or I just need to stop being a pig. No. Yeah, actually, it's probably a lifestyle change. You know what I mean? No, you guys are not. Look, Larry's good looking. You guys are still good looking, please. Don't ever forget that. Look at this. Nothing wrong with your crow's feet. Crow's legs. I look like melted ice cream.
Don't be mean about yourselves. I look like I got lit on fire on the top of a tree, fell out, hit the ground, then someone put me out with a screwdriver. I don't know what you guys are looking at in the mirror, but you're both very good-looking boys. Do you know Casper the Friendly Ghost? Let's all disagree. Yeah, kiss. You know Casper the Ghost enemies, the fat one? Yes. That's me. Nah, dude.
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