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Chapter 1: What traumatic experiences does Maddie share about her childhood?
Hey guys, it's me, Devorah. I just dropped an all-new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called, My Brain Was Slipping Into My Spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app, or go to we'reallinsane.com.
All right, so my name is Maddie, and basically, I wanted to come here to tell, like, there's a lot of trauma and a lot of things that have happened in my childhood. My father went to prison when I was six, and then my brother just went to prison, too, like, I think back in March. And my dad didn't get out until...
Chapter 2: How do parental backgrounds affect Maddie's life?
I was 16, but I didn't meet him until I was 19. So part of all that is just because it's mainly like my life story. And I feel like the trauma, all the effects of what it has, has really just made me who I am today.
Chapter 3: What happens when Maddie's father goes to prison?
And I think it's really important to be honest. And it's just part of my story. So I wanted to tell it. So I think it's important to start like So my mom and my dad, how they grew up, my dad, he was, his parents were in and out of divorce with like three different kids and they would, it was horrible. They didn't have money. They would kidnap them like from each other and they'd be at school.
And then if the dad dropped them off, then his mom came and picked them up from school. And then you got my mom on the other side who grew up, she was adopted when she was a baby and she had an older sister and it was more of a structured house.
Chapter 4: How does Maddie's family dynamic change after moving to Vegas?
So it's crazy to me, the nature and nurture of that type of thing with that. But so she, when she was 15, She met a guy in high school and she got pregnant with my older brother. And then a year later, she got pregnant again with my older sister. So this was before her and my dad ever met. They have a different dad from me.
So their dad, she met in high school and they get pregnant really quick and they have to get married. It was super Christian household. They got to do what they got to do to get it. get it right with the family. So they get married and their dad is, he wasn't like, he just wasn't the best dad.
Like for example, my mom would be at work and she would come home and he'd be sleeping while the toddlers were running around. And they're five years, my brother is six years older than me and my sister's five years older than me. So they're like, they're a year apart from each other. So they're quite a bit older than me and they were closer in age with each other.
So that was like how their dad was. So eventually the relationship just ended with them, with my mom and him. And... It was hard for her because she was always, she never really set herself up. She got pregnant in high school. She like immediately started working. I don't even think, I think she got her GED. I'm not really 100% sure, but she didn't graduate high school.
And she was always just working, waiting jobs, trying to just get by and take care of her two kids that she had at such a young age while their dad really wasn't doing much. So eventually they divorced and they did get married. I know that they got married and they divorced. And so she meets my dad at a Red Lobster that they were working at. And so he's, you know, already has all this trauma.
comes into the picture, and my mom is, she's just always kind of wild out. She's always been much of a partier. She likes the attention. She just always kind of thinks of, like, today and not five years from now, right? So her and my dad meet, and it was... It was just toxic from the beginning because they both were in drugs. They both worked at this restaurant.
They didn't have much going for themselves, and she already has two kids. So they immediately link up after... Six months, a year, they're like living together. I know a lot of stories come out because I wasn't even born. So this is just from what I hear from my siblings and from other people. They were like selling drugs. They were doing drugs.
They were just working at this restaurant to get by. Still kind of the same concept. They weren't thinking of five years from now. They were only thinking what to get by. And by this point, he comes into the picture and... My sister and my brother, I think, were like five or six. They were young. They were like toddlers. So he's stepdad. And my mom really wanted that.
At the end of the day, she really wanted that family dynamic. She wanted, you know, mom and dad, raise the kids, the whole thing. And they actually struggled for a while to get pregnant with me. And eventually they did. So I was born, like, five years after they got married, and they actually... So I'm from Arkansas. That's originally where I'm from.
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Chapter 5: What challenges arise from living in a toxic environment?
And my aunt was just so... She just got to a point like she was just so angry at me. I think it felt like she just was disgusted with me because of they were giving me this opportunity. And I was just.
They probably in a way felt like is it is anything we do going to make a difference at this point?
Exactly. And I really was like I didn't have any plans after high school. I didn't have the grades or do anything. Do anything to go to school.
I mean, that's all you knew.
Chapter 6: How do relationships with family members impact personal growth?
That's what you were... Like, yes, okay, it's great that you were able to go live with them, but you weren't raised like that. So you don't have that understanding of even how to act in that kind of environment. Exactly.
And there's a lot of other people, like just friends along high school, I'd steal from just to get money for more. And it just sucks. I think that's one thing. you got to take accountability to grow. And like, I'm at a really good place in my life now, but I think it's really important to like, I cause trauma as well to get to where I'm at just as much as other people cause me trauma.
And I did like, I hurt a lot of people in high school and I wish, I mean, if I could sit there and pinpoint, I'd apologize and say, I'm sorry over and over again. Cause I am like, it sucked being that age and being where I was at. And Looking back at it, it's just... It's hard. Taylor and Gabby really stuck by me, though. We had our fights and arguments and whatnot. But they really stuck by me.
Taylor and me, we did stop talking at the end of high school. And she moved to Arizona and did her own... Had her own little thing. And we stopped talking for like two years. Gabby, towards the end of high school, kind of stayed by my side. I mean, we'd have little... I don't know.
Chapter 7: What role does accountability play in healing from trauma?
Just random high school tips. But... Once I graduated, I actually... My aunt and my uncle told me, you have to move out by, like, June 2nd. I graduated May 18th, 2019. Wow. And that was my birthday, too. So I'm like... So I was also doing the swim lessons. That was the only way I was making money through high school. I never had a job. I...
didn't my extracurricular activity was theater and then getting fucked up with whoever I was partying with that night and and that's what sucks too I think at the time I think Russellville is growing a lot more I don't really know I don't really care to go back there but at the time there was not much to do there so this is what everybody would do which is yeah party and you have to drive 45 minutes away to get alcohol so whoever got alcohol it was like a big deal right so
When I graduate high school, I like get to have a group of girlfriends because I had a lot of friends. I did. I was a little crazy, but there were people who tried being there for me and like I connected with. And I got a house with a group of girls. So this was right after high school. Yeah. And I wasn't driving still. Right.
So, like, I had Taylor driving me around and my uncle driving me around.
Chapter 8: How does the narrator's journey lead to self-discovery and empowerment?
I think I tried taking the permit test, like, once in high school and I failed. And then it just shut my ego down.
I was like, man.
Yeah, I'll do this another time. And, like, there's more important things I've had to do, right? Like... Yeah. So I and at that point, I didn't even want to be around my and my uncle. And it sucks because I think in the beginning, me and my uncle were so close. Like we really were. We'd have like laughing hour. We'd call it when my Nana was there.
And then I just was going this way in high school and they couldn't. I mean, this isn't how their kids were. Right. So they were like, you need you need to get the fuck out of here when June 2nd hits. This is your day. So I go and get a nice little house with a group of girls and it was just like high school, but like times 20 with the partying and like,
And I'm finally starting to realize what paying rent is like and what paying bills are like. All I had was the money from doing my swim lessons. I'd have to get a ride to and from, like, the house I was doing it at. Sometimes my aunt would come get me because they would still try to, like, help me. But they just wanted me out of their house.
Like, you need to figure out some responsibility because you didn't do it while you were in high school. You were just... doing whatever the fuck you wanted to do. And these are the consequences to your actions. So they would try and help me. Sometimes, like, my roommate would give me a ride. And, yeah, so, like, I was really trying to figure this dynamic out. Plus, it was, like, our first house.
It's a group of girls. Like, let's all, let's party.
Like, let's throw parties. And you're still so young. You're still at the partying age at that point. I turned 18 the day I graduated high school.
So I was, like... Yeah, we were all just like, let's do it. Right. Yeah. And Gabby actually, like, had her own house with a group of other girls, too. So, like, it would be, like, between those two houses people would go to and stuff. And it was just cool. And I was just... I was doing drugs still. I was so zoned in on just, like, being fucked up somehow.
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