Should ‘For Richer or Poorer’ Apply to Our Friendships?
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Here's your Money Briefing for Monday, February 12th. I'm J.R. Whelan for The Wall Street Journal. for richer or poorer. We often hear that phrase when romantic partners exchange vows to stay together and live happily ever after. But should that phrase apply to your friendships?
People who have either scored some huge windfall or landed a big bonus or changed jobs, changed industries, in some way dramatically changed their personal finances for the better. It is crucial to stay in touch with those old friends because it keeps you rooted in your value system.
We'll talk to Wall Street Journal personal finance reporter Julia Carpenter after the break.
The way we manage our finances can impact a lot of things in our lives, including our friendships. Wall Street Journal personal finance reporter Julia Carpenter joins me. Julia, what are some of the factors that go into how we choose our friends?
How do friendships change when our finances shift?
Sociologists know that we often bond with people that we have something in common with. So there is a sameness that breeds closeness. And you can think about this when you make friends through hobbies or friends through family or friends through other friends. You have that common ground.
So how does money affect the friends we have?
Well, because of that common ground, we often make friends at places like work or college or school or places we spend a lot of time, but also places that are intrinsically linked to our financial lives.
How do conversations among friends about money tend to change as people get older?
I interviewed Raina Cohen. She is a podcast producer and also the author of a new book called The Other Significant Others. She has this great story about how she and a friend used to text each other in their 20s when they were both broke and very early in their careers. They would text each other when avocados were on sale as just like, oh, my God, can you believe avocados are on sale? This is a huge day for us. Run to Safeway. And now they don't do that anymore. They have grown in their financial lives. They've grown in their careers. And that sort of day-to-day conversations about deals or savings or spending falls away. And then as we make more money or as our financial lives take different directions, maybe in some cases we make less money, there's more baggage there.
So we have to sort of counteract that when we talk with our friends.
Money's a touchy subject for people of all ages, but it makes me wonder, what is the best way to discuss money with your friends?
Raina had a really great suggestion. She said, talk about money around decision points. This makes it easier and it makes it more natural. It's not like you sit down to brunch with your friend and say, hey, I want to talk to you about money. You say, I had a brunch. Hey, I really want to go to brunch with you. I just want to ask, what's your budget for things like that these days? I don't really know what we're all spending on brunch anymore. Here's some options at different price points. Something that kind of gives... an opening or a portal into this bigger convo.
What's your experience with talking about money with your friends?
I'm someone who writes about money all day long, interviews people about money all day long. And I also still feel that little hesitation when it comes time to be vulnerable or when it comes time to ask someone else to be vulnerable. I have two of my best, best friends. And we said last year that that we wanted to take a trip together every March. They live in California. My girlfriend and I live in New York. We took a great trip together last year around March. This year, some other stuff is happening, and it just wasn't going to work financially. And texting them to tell them that was so nerve-wracking for me. Even though I knew they would understand, I felt like I was letting them down or disappointing them or somehow abdicating on this promise that we had made each other.
How do financial professionals say our friends' ability to manage money can be beneficial to us?
I interviewed Eileen Freberger, and she's a director at the Garrett Planning Network.
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