Aaron Doughty
speaker
216 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Aaron Doughty’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
and bring them up to speed. And then if they don't come to where I think they should go so that everything can work out, I'm like, see, they didn't come around. They're not doing the work. And what I wasn't looking at within myself was that unconscious pattern where I felt like I was trying to fix mom or dad. And if I could fix them, they could then see me and acknowledge me and also see my worth.
And I had to learn how to not associate my sense of worth connected to other people's responsibility by taking on their burden and then trying to fix them. The other aspect I realized is that I was actually thinking that I was helping them when I was actually enabling them.
When it comes to enabling, what I recognized was that I had a subconscious image of saying that this person needs to be fixed. And because they need to be fixed and my job is to fix them so that then they can come up to speed. And subconsciously, if I fix them, they'll never leave.
That's the deeper layer of the codependent energy that people can start becoming aware of within pattern dynamics is there was a part of me that was so used to seeing this person a certain way or this kind of relationship a certain way, and if I could fix them, then everything would be good.
However, the way I was seeing them was in a way flawed because I was projecting onto them a broken identity. And what I found was actually in the specific relationship I'm thinking of When I actually stopped doing that, when I, in a way, separated and stopped seeing them as like they need to be fixed, I stopped perpetuating that energy.
It was very interesting how much everything shifted, how much they took their own power back, how much the polarity in the dynamic completely reset. It completely changed everything. And it was because I was no longer trying to fix or seeing them as broken. And that allowed the space for them to come up to their own solutions and to go into their own power.
And I found this not only in my relationships and like romantic relationships, but even with family members. I've had times in family members that where I'm like trying to help them and originally helping them meant money, Solving problems using, you know, in forms like that to find out that I look back and I'm like, wow, that wasn't helping at all. That was enabling.
And actually, even though when I took that energy, like took away, like fixing the problems via money and I started just supporting them in a vision of like, you can figure this out. What I realized was that I was allowing them the space to transform, but also I had to get comfortable with being seen as not the good guy, not the saver, not the fixer that comes in.
And I think that was the resistance that I had to even ending that pattern earlier on was to be a good family member, to be a good partner meant I'm a good person and a good person fixes, a good person overgives. And what I realized within myself is that for me, I had to shift more into being authentic and helping people to grow in a more helpful way.
And that meant letting someone go through sometimes some pain to get the lesson. And that space, though, has allowed them to come to their own conclusions and to make the changes in their life that they would not have made if I kept that codependent energy of fixing people's problems or using money to fix.
I could totally see how that would apply to kids, especially, who are super moldable and susceptible to all these subconscious cues. From what I've learned about kids, from friends that have kids and things like that, because I don't have kids yet, they are kind of playing out the dynamics of the frame you set.
So if you are playing the certain dynamics that we've been talking about, they're just kind of like mirroring that back and then maybe even rebelling in certain ways.
Absolutely.
First off, what I will say is I think sometimes where we get trapped up and where I got trapped up for a long time was a story about blaming certain things from my past that justified why reality was the way that it was. So for me growing up, I had a controlling step-parent in my life where I didn't have much freedom from seven to 17 years old. 17 years old, my dad divorced this person.
I then had all this freedom. And almost that freedom was like anxiety because I was so used to every part of my life being controlled, having to earn going to school activities, et cetera. And then all of a sudden I have all this freedom. And what I found happened is my stories when I was a kid was that life's not fair. Things aren't fair. You have to fight for freedom.
You have to fight for your power. And there was always some authoritative figure in my life that was trying to control me that I had to fight against and that things weren't fair. Well, subconsciously, growing up after my ex-stepmom left my life, I then had that of a manager at Nordstrom's. I sold women's shoes for years.
The manager of that department that was controlling would get away with things. Things weren't fair. No matter who went up to HR, nothing would get done because she was protected by HR. Just like when I was a kid, there was like that protection. There's nothing I could do. And in fact, if I said something, I'd get in more trouble. Here I am at Nordstrom's.
If I said something, guess what would happen? I'd get in more trouble. I wouldn't get the schedule that I wanted, et cetera. But what happened is she was in my life for a couple of years. And then actually I went through a spiritual awakening in 2012 and I started observing my thoughts and I learned meditation and I started to observe my thoughts.
And the big shift for me was when I started to observe my thoughts rather than react or try to control them. And there was something shifted inside of me within like a week of learning meditation. My whole energy changed. I started feeling more present. I started becoming aware of a lot of the beliefs and the patterns I was living in. And this is in 2011, 2012 when I was selling women's shoes.
And what I recognized is that I was like, wow. There are similar patterns in my life now that were in my life when I was a kid. And I started really looking at that. And I had to take responsibility for my viewpoint and my story about reality, that life's not fair. There's always an authority figure that's trying to control you.
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