Abbie Chatfield

I want to go to a new therapist, an additional therapist, like an OCD specialist, because I think that I have rumination OCD.

Which I've had conversations with some professionals about it in a non-professional context.

Yes, yes, comorbidity.

I think is the word, yes.

So I have like really bad need, a really bad need for like checking.

Like if I have a thought, for example, if I, what I've been doing the past few weeks, like what I've been doing is like, I have a thought that I, oh, someone, I think about a video that I made

18 months ago and I go, oh, I remember that thing that I said, they're going to take that wrong or someone's going to make a video about that or I'm going to see a stitch of someone calling me out about that or like a take that I've had four years ago that I think about and then I have to go and check TikTok and social media and I have to go and check and try, even though it's completely irrational that like,

A, the video that I'll be thinking about won't even be anything like particularly controversial.

But because of how the media has been treating me, I go how they're looking back a year plus.

What are they?

They're scrolling through to try and find something.

What are they going to find?

My brain then finds a quote unquote answer.

And then I have to check.

And if I don't check, I have a panic attack or I feel like I want to peel my fucking skin off.

So then I check social media and then I scroll and I scroll and I never feel satisfied because I'm not actually – I'm not scrolling – I'm not doom scrolling.

When I was depressed, I was.

But this is like –

I'm like searching for something that doesn't exist.

I'm searching for the video that I've made up in my head that I've thought that someone might make a video about a take that I had in 2021.