Adrian Kaler
Appearances
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Now, you can get past that, you can get beyond that, or maybe even stand on that, the metaphor we'd really use, because that's not going anywhere. We can look out from that view and then see something. So to more succinctly answer your question, you start with yourself. and say, okay, what's here? And get real about what's here. What are the dynamics? And can I get language around them?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
You must put language around dynamics. That's the first thing, is language is the, language gives us handles for reality. And we all have a sense of what's happening, but we all have a different language for what's happening. So if I'm running the show, if I'm the CEO, if I'm answering the question like that, then I gotta work to get language around the current dynamics.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
We've got tons of frameworks for this, by the way, but this will just give the bullet points. Get language for it. Now, think about if nothing changes, what will happen next? And walk that all the way out. We call that the parade of horribles. So if this doesn't shift, what's going to happen?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
You've got to walk it all the way to death, essentially, of the company, maybe even everybody gets fired, including you, and public ridicule, and kids run away, and blah, blah, blah. Let it get dirty.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
um because the human brain moves five times faster to escape hell than to pursue heaven we know that so you got to let it get bad because it is true something like that is true that if i don't transform this which might be shut the company down it might be fire everybody but anyway there's lots of layers in between but if i don't transform this hell's coming and i you have to motivate myself to shift because nothing has worked up until now that's what we know that we let it get here on purpose not on accident
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
There are payoffs for it being dysfunctional. These are types of thinking that people don't do because people say it's dysfunctional and I hate it, but they don't mean it. Like they mean it to themselves, but it's not true is what I really mean by that. It's dysfunctional and I love it. How do I know that? Because it's dysfunctional. And if I say, how long has it been this way?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
They'll say, oh shit, three years. And I'll say, great, this is what you like. And they'll say, no, it's not. And I'll say, prove it to me. And they don't have an answer because they've tolerated it up until now. So there are payoffs to the dysfunction. Have I lost you? Are we good?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So let me finish. I was just making sure. Sometimes I get too philosophical or too way out there and I lose people. So anyway, this is the type of rigorous honesty that someone must take on to transform. Transform is very distinct from making something better, if that makes sense. We don't want incremental change. We want to transform the thing.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So to transform it, the only thing that generates transformation is someone's willingness to take rigorous responsibility for current reality and to be willing to own that and still be hopeful and still be clear about what they're committed to, like the phoenix from the ashes type idea. Like, okay, it's that bad, and I can still choose tomorrow who I am right now. Like, choose for tomorrow.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Like, it will get better because I will transform. And a leader that stands up and does that can shift a whole room. There's a reason why they don't. And the reason why I don't at times, because I take guts and I have to be willing to die. Like figuratively and, you know, whatever, maybe financially, maybe I get fired, maybe blah, blah, blah. Like, you know, there's a lot of risk in there.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But if you're willing to die, then you can, you know, it's like that bet. My dad's watching Band of Brothers here. I'm home for Thanksgiving. And there's a famous scene from Band of Brothers where the sergeant or the lieutenant, the good looking guy is. And he's in the foxhole with a new guy. And the new guy's like literally pissing his pants. You remember the scene?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And he says, oh, the problem is you haven't died yet. or something like that, like the guy already was ready to die. Therefore, he could go win the battle, that type of idea. So if you take personal rigorous honesty and do a real clear accounting and then open that up as a leader like, hey, guys, this is horrible. I know it's horrible. I know you guys hate each other.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Sure. So, hey, listeners, thanks for being here. I'm Adrian Kaler. I search for the most meaningful conversations to get leaders into effective action. But I end up coaching fascinating people from all over the world and all different industries. And the one that Ryan's talking about here is a conversation I had yesterday with a leader who's the brand leader of the fastest growing company.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I just did this in a meeting with a client like this, this clearly, this rigorously. I said to them, I said, Hey, if I'm involved, we're going to transform this culture. And some of you don't want the health you say you want. And you need to go back home and think about it. Because you're used to dysfunction. And health is going to require a lot more from you than the dysfunction has.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And then they were like, you know, arguing with me for a while, but they got it at a deep level. And they were all nodding by the end like, Oh, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna have to be honest. Now. I used to be able to hide and gossip. Now I have to be honest.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So as a leader, if you're willing to do that, take rigorous honesty, have all the conversations you've been avoiding, set the standard moving forward for yourself first and then other people. And then you don't avoid anything moving forward. Like results are a manifestation of conversation always. So it all comes back to the conversational level.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And most leaders would rather not talk about the issues just because we're humans. And a lot because we're dudes. At least the guys struggle with this more than the women. The women are just better at it, trained. It's more socially acceptable to talk about relational stuff and emotional stuff for women. So there's some bigger climb for guys. But that's why I like working with alpha guys.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Because there's a lot of unlocks that are pretty quick and very rapid. And there's a lot of freedom for them.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Wow. Well, this is a whole day long conversation because there's a lot here. You have 29 minutes.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But you do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm taking my time with where to begin. So you noticed even as you described it, a lot of it was fear. And that's OK. And it's, you know, because the question isn't how do I say what's true for me? The question is for the person naturally is how do I say it so they get what I mean? Yes. Right. And that's impossible.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So the meaning of any conversation is in the listener, not in the speaker. We know that neurologically. The meaning of every communication is in the ears of the listener. So people do use this framework, though, to avoid conversations. Like, I don't know how to say this so that Susie hears it this way. And they use that to keep avoiding. And therefore, they are having the conversation with her.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
The conversation, though, is it's not worth the fight. That's the conversation they're having. You're so sensitive. This is the other conversation they're having. You're so sensitive, I can't say what I want. So it's condescension. You are so immature, we can't talk about it. That's what that's also saying. Now, I'm being a little bombastic maybe or dramatic, but it's pretty close to what's true.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
cosmetic brand in the country. And she, I got connected to her because she's ex Nike and I coached a bunch of Nike people and she's elevating and elevating and elevating. And, uh, her boss just said to her yesterday, um, make sure you're not mothering your team, her, her executive team. And I had asked her, well, did you ask him what he meant by that? And she said, no, they kind of laughed it off.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
just to make the point. But that's also, so, you know, nature abhors a void, says Peterson, right? So if you don't say something, the conversation is still happening. It's just the one you say you want isn't happening. It's not the one you actually want because you actually do exactly what you really want.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So not having it, avoiding it with all your 55 reasons why I can't, that's the conversation that's there. So I come at it from that premise. Um, so you, but you can't manage someone else's thoughts, but you can obviously influence them. I know that's your background as a sales guy, marketing guy is you do want to influence, but the best thing to do is to say, I, here's what I would advise.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And here's what I tell myself is there's some things I need to talk about. I want to talk about, I think we need to talk about, I don't know how to say them and it's real slippery and there's landmines all over it in the culture. So can we tap dance for a while and give ourselves some grace? Because I want to kind of describe for you what I'm experiencing.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And I hope we have enough grace to really hear each other. So we're going to go real slowly, not because we're idiots, but because these are touchy subjects. and try to make sure we understand each other and really understand where each other is coming from in which is always the conversation people are having as well. Like we're listening to someone like I'm listening to you, Ryan.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I'm going to be in, uh, also several other conversations at the same time. Do I like Ryan? Do I trust Ryan? Do I believe in, does he, is he here? Is he an enemy or a friend? Does he have my best interest at heart? Does he understand me? What's he think about me and all my insecurities are going to fly up.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Like all that's going to be happening at the same time, just because we have so much RAM available in our brains, right? So we need to put language on that context and, And clarify where I'm coming from in the point of the conversation because we're going to get lost in the content and we're going to lose the context. Does that make sense?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So there's lots of ways to have it, but you've got to be willing to have it poorly in order to have it well.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
That's what we all want.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And she just assumed she knew what he meant. And I assume I knew what he meant, too, and had lots of commentary about, can I please talk to this guy? Because that's anytime somebody speaks in that much metaphor, they're avoiding conversations. So she has some feedback. He has some feedback for is what I would assert.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Yeah. Man, I love your questions.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Sure. Yeah. There's like a couple of main things that come to mind. personally, and then kind of scientifically. And I'm a grace guy, just background for people listening. I was a pastor for several years. I'm a nerd ball. I have a master's in theology. I was just in this conversation in my kitchen with my son, my 10-year-old son.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
cause I also have a very storied past, you know, I've got, could rip the paint off these walls with my scandals and my, you know, over drinking and my first marriage and my womanizing and, um, very unfaithful, uh, to my first wife and just a mess. Right. I was doing what a person that's a mess does to deal with the mess internally. Right. So I needed grace. So I'm not like a got it together guy.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I'm not a got it together coach. And let me tell you the five things because I figured it out. Yes. I do have some pretty helpful ideas that have been helpful to me. You're in good company, my friend. You're in good company. Right on.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Anyway, so all that to say, I don't have any shame about that. I feel the potential, whatever, those even saying all that. But it's also I've forgiven myself, right? But as I'm talking to my kids, I walk through this with them because I want them to understand why mom and dad are together anymore. And it's not just all me either, of course.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But then it got me thinking, got us in a great conversation about what might be missing in our leadership. Because maybe she is overcompensating with the the I don't know, more feminine spirit, which is naturally throughout the ages. This isn't and everybody's different. Right. So don't be offended.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Um, but I also am never going to throw their mom under the bus, uh, ever, uh, as a commitment. And so anyway, just in the kitchen with my son, I was just saying, Hey man, we're all, we all tell the truth and we all lie. We do. And if you meet someone that says they always tell the truth, run from them because they're lying. That's a lie. Everybody lies.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Not like we're not like we should lie, but our nature is to protect oneself. And so we will lie or at least not tell the whole truth to do that. And we ought not that we will pay the price. Like what the consequences are always coming for every lie. And I've got those stories. And, um, but so we're always this mixed bag of telling the truth and not telling the truth.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And, and as soon as you're honest about your deception, you're now an honest person. It's weird. Like, you know, so all that to say with the grace concept, um, Um, you know, I am what I'm committed to. I'm not what I've been. And that's tough because, you know, Freudian psychology is the opposite of that. Freud said, and everybody bid it hook, line and sinker that I am etiological.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
He called it right. I am the effect. My history is the cause. And that's just not true unless you want it to be true. If you want it to be true, it's 100% true. And I'm dysfunctional because my dad and my mom and where I grew up and the color of my skin and my so-and-so, blah, blah, blah. That can all be true for you if you want. But it's not true. It's just real for you.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So grace is, even though all that is so, like that happened. I made those decisions. I'm not that person. For me, that's what grace is. I am forgiven. I forgive myself. I'm a God guy. And then whoever wanted to forgave me. If they didn't want to, God bless them. But I've forgiven myself. I don't need anybody else's forgiveness to forgive myself. That's what grace is.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And I'll move forward and see those mistakes that I made, choices I made, as fuel for the future that I'm committed to. And I don't run from any of it. It's all real. So now, this is a, I'll start with, I'll start with how we deal with clients, because that was a question. There is a contextual part of this, like the view of self, and I won't, I could do five hours on this, but I'll do one minute.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
We actually use this leadership assessment tool that only 150 of us in the states have access to called the Harrison Assessment. I won't nerd out on it now, but there's reasons why we choose it. It talks about the self. It generates these paradoxes. So the self is a paradox. So we're all in a conversation about self-improvement and who I can be. We're all in that conversation.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But, you know, the natural maternal spirit, feminine spirit is one that supports and sees and corrals and connects and attracts and protects. in a certain way and usually more emotionally as a trend. And the male spirit, masculine spirit is more challenge, push, direct, vision, protect with fists or tongue like that.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Even if it's I can be no one, that is the conversation. And then we're also in a conversation about self-acceptance. I'm okay where I am. We're in that. And those are a paradox. I'm OK where I am and I'm not going to stay here. I'm going to improve. That is always happening at the same time. Paradox.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And if I'm really OK where I am and don't have any view of self-acceptance, you know, I'm ignorant and arrogant. because I'm good, and that's a dangerous person. If I'm probably like you, like me, like most high-striving people, really committed to self-improvement and lower on self-acceptance, I'm self-critical.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And when the stress comes up, like your story about your meeting, if I'm self-critical to naturally deal with the criticism of I'm the CEO and I had these three negative client interactions and why am I a piece of crap and why are my people this and why is this – but you have a – I can tell integrity matters to you and definitely how – as a person, how you look matters to you and your impact on others matters to you.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
you're going to naturally be self-critical. Now, to deal with that, we become defensive. And that's what you did, I'm guessing, in the meeting. Yes. Yeah.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
yeah it was so bad but also man just so human right i mean you were being honest that's what you really wanted but you know you knew it wouldn't work and you knew you were just your primal self or your shadow self whatever young would call it that it was not going to work and maybe do some irreparable damage uh so but we all go to defense
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
and usually defense looks like being blunt usually goes to, you know, strong arming goes to, um, you know, these are all these flips on this. I'm going through the graphs in my head, but we go all, we all go there just to defend ourselves. So now, uh, so that's a cool assessment. I can send you the assessment. We could talk through it. It's really great.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Um, now, but on a personal front, I know if I'm, if I have, I mean, for a whole era, like after I left that first marriage, um, I got sober and did all this stuff and turned my life around. But what I used to do to ground myself, which is my language for what you're talking about, how do I ground myself? Well, I've got to get clear on what matters to me no matter what.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And how do I get myself out of... the mood that I find myself in, whether it's elation or whether it's deprivation, whatever it is, and find the most healthy mood that's the most, I would call it generative, right? So I can be really clear, be really straight with someone and be really loving simultaneously. Back to the first part of the conversation, both masculine and feminine.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
How do I do that? For me, I used to literally write on my thumb GHG on my thumb every morning for about two years. Why did I do that? GHG stood for three things, grateful, honest, and generous. And it was an icon for me to know, oh, that's home for me. I'm grateful, meaning I'm not at all interested in self-pity. Whatever's here is beautiful. Not like fantasy land. It's first off.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I can start with wherever we are. If someone is blowing it, I can start there and I will start there. It's the only only place start anyway is to start there. And I'm grateful for I'm grateful for this opportunity. I'm the leader. I employ this person. I feed their family, help them feed their family, however you want to say it. And they're struggling, obviously, based on results.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And that generated a huge conversation about leadership and what might be missing for her. And I coach probably 75% men and 25% badass women. But it does connect into where my commitment is for my clients, which is to be what I call a fierce advocate for them.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
They're struggling. And I'm called to this moment in time. This is cool. I'm the guy, the right guy for the job. Why? I'm the guy in the job. So I'm grateful for it. Honest, which has been more of, especially at that time, was more of a struggle for me. I mean, I had been lied to lots of people, but I also, most importantly, lied to myself.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Like I was unwilling to have thousands of conversations, which is why I got in such a bad spot in my own life. So honest really means full self-expression. I'm going to say what's there for me. I might not know what's there for me, but I'm going to explore what's there for me. With them, man, I'm going to take a shot. I'm not going to hide. I'm not going to be a doormat.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I'm not going to be a strong arm. I'm going to be real with what's there for me. Even the confusion, I'll just put language to the confusion because it's probably similar to what they're feeling. If I'm the leader and I'm confused, we better believe they're confused. Probably worse. They're probably really resentful because I'm paid to be clear. And then generous. Maybe the most important.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I don't know. But I'm here to make a difference for them. I'm here to make an impact for them, period. And it doesn't matter who they are with me. They could be angry and full of shit and whatever. That's cool. I'll start there. Man, you're struggling. I said this to a client last week. I think you're lying to me. And that's okay. I've lied before. Can we talk about it?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So being generous, and obviously I mean as a way of being, not just like giving money and that kind of stuff, but to be a generous being. So that's one of the ways I do it, have done it in the past, still do it. It might even be shorter than that. I remember in key moments in my life, I would just have little mantras to myself like I'm a gift. I'm a gift. I'm a gift. I'm a gift. Yeah.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
know so it is great to have that space and make sense you created some space for yourself to kind of reground yourself i tell my clients that all the time because we have got you know sessions that are set up throughout the month but i said you just call me bet to walk into a big meeting call me i'll be your you know i'll be i'm your corner man that's the metaphor i always use is let's get yourself straight so you don't mess that up because not all moments are the same right some moments are worth millions of dollars some are just worth nothing cost you a million dollars so but the ones that you need to be there for you better get your head straight
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And don't – last thing I'll say is don't give your future to your whims. Give your future to your commitments.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
and sometimes that's what's missing in leadership is for men to slow down enough and connect and usually to share and to even confess and clean up the relational side of the business they just think the business strategy and the business plan will win the day and it's not that people and and you know our commitment at our firm take new ground you know we know that people generate all the issues and people solve all the issues and most great leaders
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Yeah. Wow, you're right in my wheelhouse. This is what I care about. This is why I do this work, because it's primal. Like everybody. There's this quote that a client of mine told me. I think it's a Don Miller quote, if you know Don. I think it's Don. Maybe he was quoting somebody else. But he said, something like, we all yearn to be fully known and to be loved anyway.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
obviously alluding to the fact there's shit in all of us that we don't want to be public and we're scared to death of and we're irredeemed still and all those things and the devils we fight in our private lives and things we're unwilling to face. We all have that, all of us. Every single human, I would assert, has that.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And that's what we're dying to say and dying to have heard and then someone look us in the eye and say, hey, I'm with you. You're okay.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
love you anyway because for me that's the voice of god um that's the most beautiful thing about the whole redemption story is that oh yeah you are you are it's worse than you think and you're loved more than you can imagine that it just gives me goosebumps because we're all dying for that i know i am um it's become popular this imposter syndrome framework become popular because this is it, right?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
This is the, what if they think of me like I actually privately think of myself? And then people say they suffer from imposter syndrome. They don't. We just have language for it now that helps me know what I'm still avoiding and helps me know the risk I'm still unwilling to take. So I, you can tell all my language is always hyper responsible. So it comes off maybe kind of harsh.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Their dysfunction isn't strategic and it's not intellectual. Their dysfunction is relational. So we've got great job security. And we love that. We're all nerds over here. So we're all very tough alpha dudes. We get that commentary all the time. But also we'll talk about very touchy, deeply emotional, relational context. There's no comfort.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Um, I don't mean it that way, but, uh, honest truth is always like, you know, harsh, it's tough. It cuts us. And that's the point of it is it's here for us to mold us. So to answer your question, if someone is in this context and I'll kind of re configure the question, there are parts of us that Well, a handful of things.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
First off, whatever confession you end up making, whatever you say to your group, I always say like the leader's confession is he's the last one to the party. Everybody knows whatever you like are going to say to your group or say to your team that seems so vulnerable to you. They talk about it already. Trust me. They know it.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
They, you know, so you're the last one at the party, whatever you're going to decide to finally own in public, they've known it for a long time. So that's relieving kind of, it's kind of not relieving. Um, but I would say that, that like your impact speaks more than your intentions. Um, So but you'll be more free. And this is how this is, I think, the leadership into the next generation.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
The more honest the leader is, the more magnetic they will be, which is different than the more impressive the leader is, the more magnetic they will be. That's previous generations. This the future generations are just dying for an honest conversation because the world is weirder and weirder and tougher and tougher for them. And that's a whole day long seminar about why I say that's true.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But so the more honest you can be, will be because it's always never an ability. It's always a willingness because can you be sure? Are you willing to be is the only question that matters. And that is, am I willing to take the gamble that if I'm honest, they won't run? If I'm honest, will they get closer? Like if we have the conflict, will there be more trust or less? That's up for grabs.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But it is 100% connected to who you are and how you are in the conflict. So it's hard for me to put this in a thimble here, but we all wrestle with this. And the more that you're willing even to describe the wrestling, the more people are going to open up with you. And if you want to build a thriving culture, this is all connected to results. There's money and then there are hills.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Um, because the more honest someone can be with what the real experience is, both of themselves and what they make about others and what they make up about clients in the market. If you can get to that core conversation, not everybody's paid to be a coach or a psychologist. Don't go be that. But you need to have language for how to engage with people at their root level.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
That's how you shift people. You get beyond the symptoms and into the real causal issues. And it's easier than you think. It's just more dangerous. And you know it's dangerous. That's why you've not been doing it. But most of us aren't trained in how to do it. And that's why people love to have us around or people like us around, because we give them the shortcuts to it. So it's always necessary.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And this is why leaders suffer in silence, that whole thing, or it's lonely at the top. That's because of this. Because we get to a place where we feel like we've been selling our persona for so long, we've lost who we are as a person. So anyway, I think it's a brilliant question, and I don't know if I answered it very well, but there's a lot in there.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
We say in the room, there's no conversation too dangerous for us to be in. So anyway, you're asking what's on my mind. I'm just thinking about how men need to slow down and be more vulnerable in general. Women might need to slow down and say the thing that might, metaphorically speaking, kick the young one out of the nest. Men's dysfunction is get out of here and I don't care if you come back.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
The companies take new ground, take new ground dot com. You can follow me, message me on Instagram, adrian.k on Instagram. Those are two easiest ways. And love to talk with anybody. Anybody in your world, love your vibe, man. Love where you're coming from. Love your heart. We could be best friends.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
That's dysfunction. Women's dysfunction is stay here forever and I don't care if you grow. I'm speaking in hyperbole, obviously, but there's lots of room in between that, especially if we mold those together as leaders, which is like, hey, I'm going to connect with you deeply no matter what, even if you don't work for me, I'm here for you. And.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
If you're going to work for me, you better have it up to the right trajectory personally. Like you need to develop yourself and continue to get better and be ruthlessly connected to current reality, which is always quite frightening for everybody to like put your arms around results. Like results are the mirror for what I actually intended, not my story about what I intended. Does that make sense?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
We never say anything or don't say anything on accident. So I'll try not to get lost here in some philosophical, but it's good to put a framework up here. So in my world, I'm always paying attention to a handful of things. One is this formula. I'm guessing your audience loves formulas. So here's a formula for you guys. P plus E plus O over C equals transformation. So P is patterns. E is emphasis.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
O is omission over context. Context is vision goals, whatever, like what we're actually up to. Patterns, emphasis, omission over context equals transformation. So when someone speaks in generalities, they're avoiding something. So when they speak in generalities, what they're doing is trying to.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So many ideas here mesmerize the person with an unknown statement that means whatever they want it to mean. And it's a gesture towards what they're meaning. And so let's just say we both like the bills. And it's not specific what I mean by that, but we, you know, you're from that part of the country and it's like, yeah, we both like the bills. Okay, cool.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But we might actually have very different opinions about what's good and what's bad about them and where they're going in the future and what I hate about the bills and blah, blah, blah. We might have tons of differences, but I don't want to get close to it because I'm going to romance you with my gesture towards what you like.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And so it's anytime I hide in generalities is another way of saying it. That's safer up here. It's politics is an easy way to look at this. You know, this is not a political state, but we make America great again. Wonderful. Who doesn't think that's great? Of course, that's awesome. Now chunk that down and people start to fall off the wagon at some point in the funnel, if you will.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So there is danger and specificity. There's safety in generality. That's my point. And I could think of a hundred reasons why that's true.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Yeah. Well, we call that the despair of possibility. So, yes, it's a dopamine hit to say the future is going to be better. Right. That's just what a lot of people would call hope. And you can get elected on hope to presidency. That's happened before. And it works because everybody wants to say, hey, today sucks. Tomorrow's going to be better. Follow me.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And that's what we do when you stand up and say, yeah, this quarter stuff, this economy stuff. But just follow me into the future. And we need that as humans. We need that without there's an old saying. I forget where this is in the Torah, but without vision, the people perish, this kind of concept. Yet we do know that if a declaration in the future without commitment is empty.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And it's despair because we know it's a trick. We know it's a here's a shiny object. Let's let us trick the masses into saying the future is going to be better. We know it at an intrinsic level, like our bodies know it even before our brains do. Right. Because we're used to finding tricksters. We've been trained to do this over the eons. So your question was, how do I work with folks?
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Well, there's that's a big distinction. So first, you must be willing to declare something into the future, like make a promise. That's what transforms reality is make a promise. Like, here's what I'm here's this is what's going to happen. And every great leader does that, stands up and says, that's the hill we're going for. But there's a distinction between promise and commitment.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So promise is to go forth from an etymological. And I'm a nerd. So let me nerd out for a second. Etymologically, promise me is to go forth. which is important. I'm going to go to that hill. Commitment is to go with. So prometere, cometere, to go with, like I am with my word, which is the distinction you're talking about.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So I will do no matter what, whatever it takes to get there, that's what I'm going to do. So I'm going to make a plan and I'll prove to you my promise by making a plan and then watch me walk my plan. And by the way, if it's not, if it's not working, I will know. Because I am my word. It's not like I'm going to say I'm going to do this.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And then if it didn't work out, I'll come up with 10 reasons, which is what most people do. It was the economy. It was the stupid team. It was the competition. It was my family member that died. Whatever. Fill in the blank about what external circumstance generated my failure, which is what the human mind is apt to do is. be a victim to circumstance.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
But if you're heroic, then you say, oh, I for my circumstances around my commitment. That's what heroes do, right? Yes, most people won't do that. They can, but they won't. Heroes decide to do it anyway. So when I'm working with people, what usually is missing
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
is if they are deeply connected to the future, like we're talking about, like I'm clear about where I'm going and where we're going, that's necessary. But most, that's kind of easy and it's very satiating. It's like eating Skittles. It's great, you know, for short term. Ask my kids, they love it. And then, but what they don't do is get equally connected and committed to current reality.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Like a knowledge of, a deep understanding of what's happening now. Because if they don't do the math on what generated these results that aren't as good as the one we say we're going to, but if I'm unwilling to put my arms around how I created the crap we're in now, then I, no matter what, will create crap in the future because I am a pattern.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
And if I don't question myself as a pattern, I will naturally do what my pattern does. So I might have a great vision, have a great plan, but burn people out. That's what got me here. That's what will happen in the future because I am that pattern.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
So people aren't willing because it's more vulnerable and it takes more humility to own current reality and furthermore, own how each person around the table co-created what we have. We tend to like to peg it on somebody and it was the CEO or the CFO or the CSO or the CMO like you or whatever. And it was that person instead of, oh, no, no. Every meeting I was in,
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I created the outcome, even if it wasn't my meeting. So if a team is willing to take that level of ruthless, rigorous responsibility, then we've got a whole ballgame. Then nothing can stop them.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
I mean, that's what you don't have to call me. Call somebody because you're in the culture. So it's first off, it is hard to do surgery on yourself. And most people won't. And to be honest, most of us can't, including the guy talking right now, because I am so entrenched in my thinking. And not a lot of our thinking is novel. Most of it's wired into us. And so it's really hard.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
There's an old transformational saying that you've got to get outside the box. But the instructions to get outside the box are on the outside of the box. So you need to get some feedback. And that's horrific for us as human beings because we're very, without even thinking about it, we wake up into the world egomaniacs. That I am a certain way. This is who I am and this is who you are.
The Ryan Hanley Show
Why Most Leaders Fail: The Danger of Avoiding Honest Conversations
Yeah, it is Tammy. And even that thinking of like judgment and contempt and superiority and victimization, that's just built into the human brain. We don't get a vote on that. That's just gravity for us. So we call it survival needs. Looking good, feeling good, being right, being in control. That's gravity.