Ahsan Ahmad

So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which, take the context of everything that happened outside of it away, that does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in the cave, just, Abdul, get the paragliders. Holy shit, Abdul, it's working, it's working!

Just two flags on your paraglider, one Palestinian, though it says Saturdays are for the boys, you know, just fucking committing a terrorist attack to a rave, to techno, just digga digga da digga digga digga da digga digga digga da digga digga digga da digga digga digga da. That was Sandstorm by Darude, in case you missed it. I don't know if you guys... I've been Ahsan Ahmad.

You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty, and I was like, Tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture.

Yeah, he was right.

I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel-Palestine joke, and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it. I'll sign up for Kill Tony and see what happens.

Oh, yeah. I started working when this show was in the belly room. The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing. So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke. You only have a minute. Why waste the time? Exactly.

The grace of Allah.

Yeah, I am five, six, and I'm six inches taller than both of them. Yeah. I'm the tall guy in my family. It's crazy.

Watch out, Mexicans, I'm coming.

That's right.

Man, it is a scary time to fly. You know how I know it's bad? I'm also nervous at the airport. I am on your side. The energy to me on an airplane has shifted dramatically in the last two months. Because when I used to walk on a plane, people looked at me like, what's he up to? What's he planning?

But now when I walk on a plane, people look at me like, well, if this thing goes down and we need someone to take over, he might have the right training. It's a scary time to fly. A military helicopter crashed into a passenger plane. When that happened, I was like, oh, things are different.

Because when I was younger, when the American government wanted to ram an aircraft into something, they outsourced it. The jobs are coming back, baby. They're coming back.

Ladies and gentlemen, a second Muslim has hit the show. Yeah, it is.

I was like, oh, hopefully he doesn't make any airport jokes. Yeah. He was Punjabi. Yes, he was a dirty Indian. Sikh. Oh.

He is a Indian Hindu. I am a Bangladeshi Muslim.

No, he is Sikh, you're right. It's just different religions.

It's all just, like, different cultural differences within, like, different tribes in the whole area. Like what?

So, you know, we're Muslim. It's Ramadan. We're fasting. And they don't do any of that.

Mm-hmm.

I actually don't really know that much.

So I went to Tulsa and they had this, I went to this museum and they had a exhibit on the KKK. And the KKK, their guidebook in 1915 was called the Cloran. Whoa. Yeah, so I bought one. And it came a couple days ago, so I started reading it. It's very, like, kind of, like, Dungeons and Dragons-y.

You know, like, everyone has, like, their own, like, oh, I'm the exalted cyclops, I'm the grand dragon, and they have their own sort of rules and stuff. So it's interesting. I'm thinking of doing an audio book. Yeah. Because one does not exist of it.

Yes.

Well, my parents are the most adorable people. My dad's like 4'11", my mom's 5'1". Yeah.

Yeah, but my dad is an aerospace engineer at NASA, and my mom's a dentist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you. I love seeing you too, Sam. There you go.

All right. Do you guys want to see my impression of an Indian pussy?

I have a podcast with Derek Poston called The Solid Show. Check it out. It's a lot of fun. And your Instagram? It's Ahsan J. Ahmad.