Al Murray

There was some muffled sobbing, somewhat in terrible anguish.

It was coming from inside a cupboard.

They're after me.

They turn their phones into rubber and slide under the doors, you know.

I have to use draft excluders to keep them out.

Their current resident has obviously been sent mad.

But was it the house that was responsible?

I decided to speak to some previous eyewitnesses.

This woman said it shattered her life.

Before I moved into Number 10 Downing Street.

I was only routinely depressed, like an Eeyore plush toy left in a puddle.

But by the time I left, life seemed to me utterly hopeless.

Chilling stuff.

And this previous resident also seemed very disturbed by his stay, as his hair was standing on end and completely white.

LAUGHTER

Did living in Number 10 mess with Bozza's head?

Well, I do remember trying to write my Shakespeare biography and just sitting, sitting at a typewriter, typing out, all work and no play makes Boris a dull boy.

And then there was this river of blood coming down the corridor.

But it could have just been red wine from one of my parties.

I don't know.