Al Murray

And this woman seems to have gone completely and utterly insane.

Everyone else in the country went totes bonkers while I remained the only sensible person in the UK with my inspired mini-budget which replaced the Bank of England governor with a signed photo of David Cassidy.

Hashtag dreamboat.

Did you miss me?

Bloody hell is.

But now things are about to get truly frightening.

They say that if you climb the stairs in this house, go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and say education three times.

Hello, Danny.

Sunken forehead, dead behind the ice grin, billionaire hand gesture.

It's Tony Blair.

That's right.

I am Prime Minister, Danny.

This is my home.

But you haven't been Prime Minister for 20 years.

Oh, Danny, I've always been Prime Minister.

And I always will be.

Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Join me next week on uncanny as I travel stateside to spend a night in the spookiest house in Washington DC haunted by a killer clown With scary makeup and tiny rotting hands

Dear England, it's me, David Beckham.

You might have seen that as the World Cup kicks off, I've been honoured with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, halfway between Bob Hoskins and Mickey Mouse, just like my voice.